Good morning! My name is Miss Halliday.

Thank you so much for joining me.

It's absolutely lovely to have you all back again for another lesson.

Today I'll be your teacher, and I can't wait to see all of the amazing responses that you produce in today's lesson.

So let's get started.

So today's lesson is called improving your analytical writing, and today we'll be looking at how to give meaningful feedback and then how to use that feedback to improve our own responses.

So by the end of today's lesson, you will have used feedback to improve your own analytical writing.

So let's get started.

Here are some keywords that you'll need for today's lesson.

We've got feedback, to redraft, introspection, compelling, and discourse marker.

Here are the keyword definitions.

If you'd like to take a little longer reading them, please feel free to pause the video and do so.

So here's today's lesson outline.

We're going to start by looking at a student response and assessing it and deciding what feedback we might give it and why.

We're then going to move on to assessing our own responses and using our own feedback to improve them.

So let's start first of all with assessing a student's response.

Here is the main body paragraph of a student response, which answers the question, starting with the following extract, how does Dickens present the Ghost of Christmas Past in the novella? So here's their paragraph.

"In Stave 2 of 'A Christmas Carol,' Scrooge is presented as a character with the ability to empathise with others.

The Ghost of Christmas Past guides Scrooge through significant moments from the past, forcing him to evaluate his actions and behaviour and determine where he went wrong.

He says, 'these were the shadows of things that have been.

' The word shadows shows that these are the dark moments from Scrooge's past that led him to live a miserable life.

The ghost represents memory and past experiences." So once a student had written that, they were then given some feedback and they redrafted their paragraph.

So here's the redraft.

"In Stave 2 of Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol,' the Ghost of Christmas Past is presented as a figure of introspection and reflection.

The spirit guides Scrooge through significant moments from his past, forcing him to evaluate his actions and behaviour and determine where he went wrong.

When Scrooge begs for relief, the ghost warns him not to 'blame him,' for 'these other shadows of things that have been.

' Here, the ghost's dismissal of Scrooge's hurt serves as a reminder that Scrooge needs to take accountability for his own actions, and that it was these actions that led him to live such a miserable and isolated life.

Furthermore, Dickens' use of the noun shadows could illustrate that these are the dark moments from Scrooge's past that he needs to confront to be enlightened.

Thus, through its dialogue and actions, the spirit serves as a symbolic representation of the power of memory and the importance of our relationships with others." So now that you've read both paragraphs, I'd like you to discuss with each other, what feedback do you think that this student was given that enabled them to write a successful redraft? So compare both paragraphs again and think, what do you think the student was told to go and do that enabled them to write the more successful second paragraph? So pause the video while you have those conversations and before we share some ideas.

Some fantastic discussions there.

And here are some of the ideas that you might have come up with.

So first of all, this could have been some feedback that the student might have been given.

So they might have been told that their topic sentences needed to link more closely to the question.

So here was their original topic sentence.

"In Stave 2 of 'A Christmas Carol,' Scrooge is presented as a character with the ability to empathise with others." Now, if we imagine that they were told you need to make your topic sentence link to the question and that they then went and redrafted the topic sentence with a keen focus on the question, which was about the Ghost of Christmas Past, they might have ended up with this.

"In Stave 2 of Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol,' the Ghost of Christmas Past is presented as a figure of introspection and reflection." So we can see here that that second topic sentence is much more closely focused on the character that is outlined in the question, which is the Ghost of Christmas Past, whereas the first topic sentence was all about Scrooge, and that's not what the student was being asked.

So actually the feedback they were given, which was to make the topic sentence more linked to the question, has been really effective here, because their second topic sentence is very closely focused on the character of the Ghost of Christmas Past.

You also might have said that they needed to make their evidence more compelling by embedding it and also using multiple quotations to support their ideas.

So here's what they wrote initially.

"He says, 'these were the shadows of things that have been,'" and we can see here that the evidence is not embedded, okay? You have to almost stumble over the words because he's introduced the quote by saying, "He says this." That is not an embedded quote, because an embedded quote is slotted into the sentence, and we know it's embedded because if we took the quotation marks out the sentence would still make sense on its own.

So the student took this feedback that they need evidence more compelling by embedding it and using multiple quotations, and they redrafted this.

"When Scrooge begs for relief, the ghost warns him not to 'blame him' for 'these are the shadows of things that have been.

'" Now, you'll notice about the redraft that actually the student has given a little bit of context about where the quote is from.

So they've given a little bit of detail about exactly where it's from and foregrounded it so that it's not just random, okay? So when we read that quote, we're not having to work out exactly which part of the text it's from, because they've told us that actually it's from the part when Scrooge is begging about relief.

You'll also notice that here the quotation has in fact been embedded, and that's been indicated because we've had to change the pronoun to a third person pronoun of him, and we've indicated that we've changed that through the use of square brackets.

So in order to embed that quotation within that sentence, we've had to change something about it, and that's absolutely fine, because the result of an embedded quotation is that your essay sounds much more concise and much more sophisticated.

So here the second redraft is much more successful than the first because of the feedback that was given.

So let's check your understanding of what you've learned so far.

Which of the following introduces textual evidence the most effectively? Is it A, near the end of the stave, Scrooge says: "the happiness he gives, is quite as great as if it costs a fortune, is it B, when the ghost shows Scrooge Fezziwig's party, he says: "the happiness he gives is quite as great as if it costs a fortune," or is it C, when the ghost shows Scrooge Fezziwig's party, Scrooge remarks that "the happiness Fezziwig gives, is quite as great as if it costs a fortune"? So I'm gonna encourage you now to pause the video while you jot down the letter that corresponds to the response that you think introduces textual evidence most effectively.

And well done if you identified it is in fact C.

And the reason for that is because we do have that brief detail about where the quote is from.

You know, it says that it's from the part where the ghost show Scrooge Fezziwig's party, and also you'll notice that the quote has been embedded.

So well done if you identify that it was in fact C.

Again, some more feedback you might have given would be to make the evidence compelling by exploring Dickens' methods.

So instead of just looking at one interpretation of his methods, actually unpicking those layers of meaning.

So here's what the student wrote initially.

They wrote, "He says, 'these were the shadows of the things that have been.

' The word shadows shows that these are the dark moments from Scrooge's past that led him to live a miserable life." So here we only really get one interpretation of Dickens' method.

So the student redrafted using feedback three, and we get this.

"Here, the ghost's dismissal of Scrooge's hurt serves as a reminder that Scrooge needs to take accountability for his own actions, and that it was these actions that led him to live such a miserable and isolated life.

Furthermore, Dickens' use of the noun shadows could illustrate that these are the dark moments from Scrooge's past that he needs to confront to be enlightened." And what you'll notice about this response is that first of all, it gives Dickens' general method, okay? And that's the fact that the ghost dismisses Scrooge's hurt and kind of reprimands him for being upset.

And that is a larger method, because Dickens chooses to have the ghost respond like that, so that is therefore the larger method here.

We then start to kind of drill down into some of the more granular methods, such as individual words, and we do that by undertaking some close text analysis of Dickens' language.

And that is indicated by the use of the discourse marker furthermore, okay? So we're indicating that we're actually looking at the same method or the same quotation, but we're giving different layers of meaning or different interpretations to really make that evidence compelling and show that we are evaluating the text.

And finally, you might have said that the feedback given could have been about the summary sentence, because that wasn't very strong either.

So the student might have been told that their summary sentence should all back to the question and should summarise the ideas that they've covered and link to the writer's intentions.

So initially the student wrote this.

"The ghost represents memory and past experiences." It's a bit brief, it's quite vague.

It's not the best summary sentence really, is it? So the student took the feedback given to them and they redrafted and got this.

"Thus, through its dialogue and actions, the spirit serves as a symbolic representation of the power of memory and the importance of our relationships with others." And here you'll notice that this is much more focused on the writer's intentions.

It really explores and explains what Dickens is trying to illustrate through the use of the ghost.

The first one was a little bit vague, so this one's much more closely focused on Dickens' use of methods.

So it talks about symbolism, it talks about the dialogue and actions that Dickens uses, but it's also just more detailed, okay? It's more clear what Dickens is trying to do through this novella, "A Christmas Carol," and how he's using the spirit.

So here's our first task for the lesson.

Here is another student response to the question, how does Dickens present Scrooge as a young boy in Stave 2 of "A Christmas Carol"? So what I'd like you to do now is I'd like you to read the student response and then I'd like you to offer three pieces of feedback that will enable the student to really strengthen their response.

So here it is.

"In Stave 3, Dickens presents Scrooge as a very emotional character who regrets the way he treated others from his past.

As a young boy, we see Scrooge isolated by others, especially his friends, as Dickens writes: 'A solitary child neglected by his friends is left there still.

' The word neglected shows that Scrooge was not treated with respect as a young boy.

We are shown Scrooge's past so that we can feel sorry for Scrooge." So what I'd like you to do now is pause the video while you decide which three pieces of feedback you think that you'd like to give to the student to help them improve their work.

Fantastic work! And some of you have actually been so good at offering feedback that I think we've got some future teachers in the room today.

So well done, some really focused and clear feedback being offered there.

So here are some ideas that you might have offered.

So you might have identified that this topic sentence is actually not very clear, because we've been asked about Scrooge in Stave 2 and yet this topic sentence is talking about Scrooge in Stave 3.

So it doesn't link closely to the question that we've been asked.

You also might have noticed that the quotations here have not been embedded, because we've still got this phrase Dickens writes, just like we had Dickens says earlier.

Okay, so we need to be embedding our quotations for one.

And then you also might have noticed that again, we still only have that one interpretation offered, and that actually this response would be strengthened if the student offered multiple interpretations or ideas about the layers of meaning that Dickens is conveying here.

And finally, again, this concluding sentence, it's just a bit vague and weak really, okay? It's not very explorative, it doesn't link back to Dickens' intentions, and it's just not very clear.

So again, this concluding sentence needs a lot of work.

It needs to explore Dickens' intentions and pinpoint exactly why Dickens decided to show us young Scrooge in Stave 2.

It's not just about feeling sorry for Scrooge, it's much bigger than that, and the student needs to explore that in more detail.

So onto the second part of the lesson now where you are going to assess and improve your own response.

So when you're assessing your work, yes, you're looking for the quality of your response, but you should also be proofreading it and checking for SPaG errors, so spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors.

So what I'd like you to do is read the three sentences below and decide which of the three is the one that is grammatically correct, and then I'd like you to tell me why is that one grammatically correct and the others are not.

So here we are three sentences.

I'd like you to pause the video and decide which one is grammatically correct and why.

And well done if you identified that actually the bottom one is the one that is correct.

And the reason for that is because Dickens has an S at the end.

Now, when we're trying to show possession, a name with an S at the end does make that a little bit more difficult.

Now, we know that the simile belongs to Dickens.

So, "Dickens' use of the simile 'solitary as an oyster' characterises Scrooge as a miserable and isolated character." What we're saying here is that Dickens was the one who wrote that simile.

He's responsible for it and therefore it belongs to him, so we need to use a possessive apostrophe to show that he wrote it.

Now because Dickens' name ends with the letter S, the apostrophe that shows possession goes after the S.

So it looks like Dickens', apostrophe, okay? So that is why the bottom one was grammatically correct.

So let's check your understanding of possessive apostrophes.

Which of the following uses a possessive apostrophe correctly? I'm gonna invite you to pause the video while you read the responses and decide which one is correct.

And well done if you identified that it is in fact B, okay? Again, the ghost embodies Dickens' message of charity.

The message of charity belongs to Dickens, okay? So in this case, we need to show possession by putting the apostrophe after the S.

If we look at answer A, this doesn't need an apostrophe at all, okay? Dickens uses the ghost to represent enlightenment.

That's fine, okay? Nothing belongs to Dickens in the sentence, so we actually don't need an apostrophe at all there.

If we look at C, Dicken's protagonist Scrooge is a miser, we do need an apostrophe there, but it's in the wrong place, okay? Because Dickens' name ends with an S, so the apostrophe has to go afterwards to show that the protagonist Scrooge belongs to Dickens.

And if we look at answer D, Dickens' had a difficult childhood, as his father went to prison.

Well, we don't even need an apostrophe there because it's just a statement, it's just a fact.

Nothing belongs to Dickens here, so there is no need for that apostrophe at all.

So that's why that one's incorrect.

So let's just recap quickly.

Why do you think it's important to read your work once through in full before you begin reading it to assess it? I'd also like you to think, what were the pieces of feedback that we gave the student in learning cycle one? And thirdly, how should we be using context in our analytical responses? So I'm gonna invite you to pause the video while you just do a quick recap and before we share some ideas.

Fantastic work, and I was really impressed with one student's response in particular.

Now, this student argued that it's really important to read your work once through in full before you read it to assess it, because actually, even though in the second time we're going to be proofreading it, we also just need to sense check it, okay? Does it make sense as a holistic argument? Do each of your points actually build on the last? Do they all link back to that thesis statement? So it's really important to read your work back through once in full before you make any changes to it just to check that it actually makes sense as a holistic argument.

Have you actually argued your point well? So it's important to read it through at least once before you then read it and start to assess it, 'cause you just need that little sense check to A, remind yourself what you wrote, and B, just make sure that it makes sense as an essay.

Now, in terms of the feedback we gave in learning cycle one, it was very much focused on the topic sentence and making sure that that links to the question that we've been given.

We also talked a lot about embedding quotations and exploring multiple layers of meaning.

And we also talked about using that as a real opportunity to link back to Dickens' message and pinpoint exactly why we think he wrote this character or wrote the text.

And finally, in terms of using context, remember that context should be integrated into your argument.

It is not a bolt-on, and it's a really important part of your argument.

So onto our last task of the lesson, and here's a reminder of the question.

Using evidence from Extract A, how does Dickens present the Ghost of Christmas Past? Now, here's the task I would like you to undertake.

I'd like you to reread your work in full once through and I want you to sense check it.

So make sure it makes sense as a whole and that each paragraph supports the overarching argument outlined in your thesis statement.

Because if you haven't done that, then you need to redraft the whole thing.

There's no point making individual changes to specific sentences, you just need to redraft the whole thing.

So I'm looking first for that full sense check once through.

You're then going to reread it again, and at this point you're going to check your spelling, your punctuation, and your grammar.

And I want you to pay particular focus to the way that you've written Dickens' versus Dickens.

Did you really need that apostrophe there, and if so, have you put it after the S in Dickens? So check that please.

I'd then like you to write down one piece of feedback per paragraph.

So for every paragraph you've written, I want to see one piece of feedback written in the margin next to it.

And here are some reminders as to some of the feedback you can give or the types of feedback you might want to give.

So you could look at your topic sentences and whether they link to the question.

Do your quotations need embedding and have you provided layers of meaning and explored kind of different interpretations that you might have? And do your summary sentences explore the writer's intentions and pinpoint exactly why you think that character was included in the novella or why you think Dickens wrote the text? And finally, once you've done all of that, I would like you to redraft at least one paragraph of your work, acting on your own feedback and making sure that you have actually improved your response.

If you get time, it will be great for you to redraft all of your work, but as a minimum, I'm looking for a redraft of one paragraph.

And remember that redrafting is just as an important part of the process as writing for the first time, 'cause this is the point where you can really evaluate how successful you've been in answering the question and how convincing your own argument is.

So make sure you give this the full effort that it deserves.

So pause the video and have a go at your self assessment now.

Fantastic work.

And now, as a little bit of feedback, I thought it'd be really nice if we could swap our responses with someone else and do a little bit of peer learning.

So in pairs, one of you will be partner 1 and one of you will be partner 2.

Now, partner 1 is going to give their original paragraph and also the redrafted paragraph to partner 2.

Partner 2 is going to then read both paragraphs, just like we did in learning cycle one, and they're going to try and guess what feedback you gave yourself to act upon.

So just like in learning cycle one where we read the first paragraph and then we read the second one and we guessed what the student had been told to do, you're going to do this now for your partner.

You're then going to consider, well, have they been successful in improving their writing? Is paragraph two better than paragraph one? Okay, 'cause if it isn't, then we need to go back and have a look at paragraph one and the feedback that you've been given.

Then I'd like you to consider, are there any changes that you'd still like to suggest? Nothing is ever perfect, and I'm sure as fantastic as paragraph two is likely to be, I'm sure that it's still not perfect.

So partner 2 is going to use this as an opportunity to give even more feedback to partner 1 as to how they can improve their second paragraph, so the redraft.

Partner 1 is then going to clarify the feedback.

So they're going to say, "Yes, you were right.

I did tell myself to be more specific in my topic sentence," or, "Yes, you were right, I did want to embed my quotations." And then they're going to discuss suggestions that are made by partner 2, because partner 2 is gonna explain, you know, "I would actually improve this moving forward." So you're gonna discuss the suggestions made by partner 2 and you're going to confirm whether their feedback was right or not.

And then you're obviously going to swap, reverse roles and do the exact same thing again.

So both of you will get an opportunity to guess the feedback and provide further improvement suggestions.

So I'm gonna invite you now to pause the video while you undertake the peer assessment.

And make sure that you're being respectful.

This is somebody else's work, so we need to make sure that we are being empathetic, understanding, and patient with one another.

So off you go and do your peer assessment.

Fantastic work, and I was really impressed by how respectful you were of each other, so well done.

Some really quality feedback given there.

So to summarise today's learning on improving analytical writing, we know that the topic sentence should link to the question foci.

So whatever focus you've been given in the question, whether it's character or stave, that needs to be mentioned in your topic sentence.

It's also a really good idea to embed your textual evidence, so your quotations, as this makes your essay more concise and more sophisticated.

Remember that you can use multiple pieces of textual evidence to support your argument and that you should absolutely be examining layers of meaning within the text.

The closing sentence should be summarising the ideas that were explored within the paragraph.

And then finally, it's really important to remember that getting feedback and then redrafting your work are actually essential parts of the writing process.

I think a lot of people think that once they've written the work, it's done.

That is not the case, okay? Redrafting is an essential part of the writing process and it needs to be given the time and respect that it deserves.

Thank you very much for attending today's lesson.

I've really enjoyed teaching you all, you've been an absolute pleasure to have in the classroom.

So thank you very much for your time and I hope you have a lovely rest of your day.

See you later!.