Lesson video

Hello, and thank you for joining me today.

I'm Mrs. Butterworth, and I'll be guiding you through the learning.

Now, today's lesson, we will be looking at some model responses and considering how to improve them and thinking about how we can even rewrite them.

Now, this is a really good way to help improve your own writing, and you may even be able to steal some strategies or even a few ideas for your own future essays.

So shall we get started? So by the end of this lesson, you will understand the expectations of a comparative response and use them to evaluate and rewrite model responses.

Let's first look at some key words that are going to pop up throughout the lesson, and we just need to make sure we understand what they mean.

These words are "resilience," "incite," "inequality," "assertive," and "anecdote." So resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficulties or challenges.

So today, we'll be looking at Serena Williams's letter that she wrote.

And this talks a lot about resilience and being able to bounce back or react positively to difficult situations.

And we've got the word "incite." So this means to encourage or provoke someone to take action.

So the other text that we are going to be looking at is Emmeline Pankhurst's speech, "Freedom or Death." And this is all about inciting action.

Inequality, so both of our texts deal with this idea of equality that things are not fair or equal for everyone.

So in the text, this refers to gender inequality.

Assertive.

So if you're being assertive, you are confidently expressing your thoughts or feelings, but in a respectful and clear manner.

So you'll notice in Serena Williams's letter, she's quite assertive and she's quite confident in what she's talking about, but it's still quite respectful and polite.

And an anecdote is a really effective rhetorical device.

So what this is is a short and personal accountable story.

And this can be used in persuasive writing to create a rapport with the audience.

So it's this idea about creating a relationship with your audience in order for your speech to be even more impactful.

So the outline of our lesson looks like this.

We're going to start by evaluating comparative responses, so considering how we can give effective feedback.

And then we're going to move on to improving model responses.

So thinking about how we can rewrite model responses, which will be really useful for your own work too.

So let's start with evaluating comparative responses.

So before we begin looking at our model responses, we need to remind ourselves of the two texts.

Now, these texts can be found in the additional materials.

If you haven't already read them, now is your time to do that.

Now, what we're going to do is we need to think about the key information about the text to remind ourselves.

So there is a table to help you.

So from both of those texts, we need to be thinking about the who.

So who is the writer? We then need to be thinking about the what and what is the subject.

Then the form.

So the form is how the text is written and where it might appear.

So thinking about things like letters or articles, speeches, all of these will come under the idea of form.

Now, what is the purpose? Is it to persuade, entertain, argue, inform? Sometimes, a text may even have dual purposes.

And then any key methods.

So what are the key methods that really stand out in this text? Okay, so you're going to need to pause the video to give yourself plenty of time to discuss these key ideas.

You may wish to think quietly to yourself or even just jot down a few ideas.

But I look forward to sharing all of our answers in a moment.

Pause the video and off you go.

Great, fantastic stuff.

Some excellent memories on those texts, and well done to everyone that have read the text and have got that key information ready to go.

So let's just share the answers.

So who is the writer? So in "A Letter to the Dreamers," we know it's the tennis champion, Serena Williams. In "Freedom or Death," it's the women's rights activist Emmeline Pankhurst.

So what is the subject of these texts? So Serena Williams focuses on gender inequality and the pay gap.

And for Emmeline Pankhurst, she also focuses on gender inequality, but it's also about the suffragette movement and political action.

So it is slightly different to Serena Williams. What is the form? So for Serena Williams, it is an open letter.

And I think it's a key here that we consider the fact this is an open letter, because what that means is it isn't just, that the letter won't just be read by who it's addressed to, it will also be read by those who have access to the letter.

So it was published originally online, but it also did end up in print too.

And then Emmeline Pankhurst's text is a speech.

So what is the purpose? So I think for Serena Williams, there's quite a few purposes.

So yes, it is to persuade but she also wants to inspire.

She wants to motivate, encourage resilience, and challenge inequality.

And likewise, for Emmeline Pankhurst, she definitely wants to persuade and argue, but she also wants to galvanise action.

She wants to incite change and create awareness.

So there's many ways that we can look at this idea of purpose.

And then any key methods.

So quite a few here in Serena Williams's letter, we've got first person narrative.

We've got those pronouns, anecdote, repetition, and figurative language.

So lots there to be thinking about.

And in Emmeline Pankhurst speech, we have again a first person narrative.

So the use of I.

We've got those first person plural collective pronouns.

In we, we've got direct address, analogy, repetition, and metaphor.

So there is lots and lots to talk about in these texts, which makes them really good for comparing.

So which of these is not a method used by Serena Williams? A, B, C, or D? Okay, so who came up with C, analogy? Excellent.

Yes, that's right.

Emmeline Pankhurst actually uses an analogy in her speech, but Serena Williams does not.

Okay, so let's look at a question.

I want us to think about what are the key words in this question and what you think it is asking you to do? Let's read the question together first.

So the question is, "Compare how the writers present their attitudes and feelings about gender inequality.

In your response, you should compare the similarities and differences in perspectives and feelings.

Compare the methods the writers use.

Support your response with references to the text." So you're going to need to pause a video to give yourself time to discuss, think, or write down your ideas to these questions.

What are the key words in this question or task, and what do you think it's asking you to do? Pause the video, and off you go.

Thanks, everyone, that's great.

Let's just share some of those ideas.

If you're a bit stuck or unsure, make sure you are paying special attention now, because I'm going to go through everything with you.

Okay, so key word there is "compare." So it is going to be a comparative essay, okay? So this means you need to compare both similarities and differences.

So sometimes, the question may just say similarities.

Sometimes, it may say differences.

Sometimes, it'll say both.

But in this, it's asking us to definitely compare both similarities and differences.

So we already need to be thinking about what do I need to do for a comparative essay? We also need to explore how the texts use specific language techniques.

So it says here, compare the methods the writers use in that word "present." So we need to be thinking about all of those fantastic rhetorical devices that those texts use and how they use them to convey their attitudes, perspectives, and feelings.

So a little bit like language analysis there.

And then it gives us this key theme to be looking at, gender inequality.

So this is the focus of the question.

So we need to make sure that the responses are focused on the topic of gender inequality, okay? So that's the key thing we are looking at.

And then finally, this key part support your responses of references to the text.

So your response will need to use evidence from both texts to support your comparisons.

So it's really important you are considering both texts equally and using evidence from both.

Okay, so now we know the expectations of the question, we need to consider what a successful response looks like.

If we don't know what a successful response looks like when we're looking at the model essays, we won't know what we're looking for, will we? So this is really important to think about now.

So what key things can you look for to evaluate whether a response is successful or not? So I'm gonna give you a few smaller questions to help you think about this.

So how will you demonstrate you are focused on the question? So when looking at an essay, how will we know that a pupil has focused on the question? What word types can be used to demonstrate close comparison? So we know this is a comparative essay.

So what word types will we be looking for to know that the pupil has been successful in comparing those responses? What words will demonstrate you have commented on the overall feeling of the text? So how will we know that a pupil has been successful in identifying the overall feeling or attitude of the text? And how will you demonstrate you have commented on methods? So what will we be looking for in order to assess whether a pupil has been successful at commenting on methods? And then finally, what does effective evidence look like? So drawing on all the work you've done before, what would we expect effective evidence to look like in a response? Okay, so you're definitely gonna need to pause the video, 'cause there's lots to consider there.

So what key things are you going to look for? And use those questions to help you? So you're going to need to pause the video now, and off you go.

Okay, let's just share some of the answers to those questions.

So how will you demonstrate you're focused on the question? So quite rightly, lots of you said you need to look for keywords from the question and make sure they are referenced or referred to throughout.

So in the case of this question, we'll be thinking about gender inequality.

Does this response reference that key idea, gender inequality? Okay, so what word types are we going to look for to demonstrate close comparison? Yes, that's right, looking for those conjunctions can be really useful to ensure that those similarities and differences have happened.

So they could use both comparative and corelative conjunctions.

And then what words will you have commented on the overall feeling of the text? That's right, lots of you said the word tone, which is fantastic.

And we'll be looking for those tonal words.

So for example, words like frustrated, impassioned, determined, assertive, all those lovely tonal words that we use to describe the overall feeling of a text.

And also, how the writers are presenting their attitudes and perspectives.

So are they angry, are they sad, are they happy, are they sarcastic? All of those tonal words can really help to enrich a successful response.

And then how you demonstrate you have commented on methods.

So yes, absolutely, there will be specific methods identified using terminology, but most importantly, it's what you do with the methods once they have been identified.

So we'll be looking in those responses to make sure that they have developed their comparison, and those methods have been analysed.

And then finally, what does effective evidence look like? Yes, absolutely.

I heard lots of you saying that keyword "embedded." So that's fantastic.

So quotes from both texts, and they need to be embedded and relevant.

Okay, fantastic stuff so far.

Now, what's good about this is now we've considered what we are looking for, we have a checklist and we can use this to evaluate comparative responses.

So what I have done here is just collated all of that information and put it into some shorter sentences to make that checklist.

So when we're looking at those model responses, we need to be thinking about our words from the question referred to throughout.

Have they used comparative and correlative conjunctions? Have they commented on tone using tonal words? Are specific methods identified using terminology? And do they develop the comparison and are they analysed and quotes from both texts embedded and relevant? So there is our checklist.

So let's see what you remember.

What is missing from this checklist? So hopefully, you've had some time to quickly scan through that checklist and you should have said that the methods was the part that is missing from the checklist.

So the specific methods identified using terminology and used to develop comparison and analysed.

Okay, so shall we keep going? Now we've got our checklist, we are now going to think about how we can use that checklist to look at a model response.

So what you'll need to do, first of all, is you'll need to find model response A, which is in the additional materials, and you're going to need to read this.

So pause the video so you've got time to read that.

Off you go.

Okay, great.

So now you have read that, perhaps you've already started to have some ideas about feedback, but what I would like us to do now is I'd like you to use that checklist and I'd just like you to think about what you would give that response as a what went well and an even better if.

So you can discuss this, you can think about this, or you can even write down your response, but you will need to pause the video so you've got time to fully look through that checklist and think about the feedback you were going to give that response, okay? So pause the video and we'll feedback in a moment.

Okay, so let's consider.

Let's go through the checklist and consider what feedback we would give that response.

So Alex has very kindly offered to talk us through.

So Alex has said that this response has talked about both texts equally, which is a really good thing to do.

Yes, this is a really key point, everyone.

When you come to write your own comparative responses, make sure you focus equally on both texts.

That's really important.

And we've got a tick here.

So the response refers to gender inequality and the writer's perspective, so has used words from the question.

So the first part of that checklist has been met, and we've got a lovely tick there.

And then the used comparative and correlative conjunctions.

So what Alex has pointed out is that the response has used likewise and both and and.

So we know that this response has used those conjunctions.

So we know that it has compared.

So it's a really good idea to add these into your writing.

Not only are they really efficient at comparison, but they also signal to your reader, "Look, I'm comparing now." Okay, so the next part.

Alex has said, "I could not find any tonal words or specific comments on tone." So perhaps, this is something already we can be thinking about in terms of improving this response, because talking about tone is just a really effective and perceptive way to talk about the two texts.

And then we've got a cross here for the specific methods and the quotes, because Alex quite rightly says, "Although the quote "soldier" has been used, there are no other quotations.

And likewise, no methods have been identified." So this is a really key point here.

It is so important that you are using quotes from both texts and you are identifying those methods and you are analysing those methods.

And overall, because of this, the response feels quite general.

And I wonder if you picked up on this too, because it does give a good overview of the text, but it does not offer specific comments or analysis on perspectives, attitudes, and methods.

So I wonder if you got that feeling as well, that it just feels a bit general, almost like it's summarising the text rather than really commenting on and comparing the different perspectives and attitudes.

So this is the what went well and the even better if that Alex has given.

So I wonder if you've got something similar.

So Alex says, "What went well? There was an equal focus on texts and use of conjunctions and words from the question.

Absolutely.

But the EBI, the even better if, is to create a more analytical response by using quotes, identifying methods, and exploring the tone of both texts." So this is some really specific fantastic feedback here given from Alex.

And you can see how he's used words from the checklist to really make this feedback specific and also useful, because now this person who has written this response knows exactly what they need to do to make it even better.

So true or false time.

Your responses must focus on both texts in equal detail, with evidence from both.

Is this true or false? Yes, that's true.

So we need to make sure we're doing that, okay? So justify your answer by picking A or B.

Are you ready for the answer? The answer is A, yes, quote should be embedded with the methods identified and analysed in relation to perspective, attitudes, and tone.

Right, so let's keep going.

Okay, so now it's over to you for your first practise task.

So you'll need to find model response B in additional materials, and you'll need to read through that response first.

And then what I would like you to do is I would like you to annotate or highlight where they have met the success criteria.

Now, you may wish to do this using a highlighter pen, or you could just use a pen or pencil to make some ticks or some underlines.

You may even wish to make some notes around that response too.

And then what I would like you to do is use the checklist to give the response of what went well and an even better if, exactly like we just did with Alex.

Okay, so are we ready to go? We've got everything that we need.

So pause the video, and we'll feedback in a moment.

Off you go.

Okay, so let's use Aisha's work here as an example.

So I just wanna give you some feedback on your feedback.

So Aisha has used the checklist and given this what went well and even better if.

So she's really used the checklist well.

So we can see everything that that response has done and everything that it needs to improve.

Now, the feedback that she has given is this: "What went well: you compared both texts." "And even better if: you wrote more." Now, what do we think about this feedback? Do we think it's specific? Has it used words from the checklist? Well actually, it hasn't, has it? It's really rather vague and it isn't specific enough.

So Aisha actually had another go.

So let's see what she came up with once she had thoughts about it.

So you can see already, this is much more detailed and much more specific.

So using that checklist, she has said, "There are some excellent comments on tone and perspective, 'cause we can see the ticks in those boxes, and conjunction to use to draw close comparisons.

But the even better if is if that response used quotes from both texts and identify methods and use to develop analysis.

So that is so much better in terms of feedback, 'cause imagine getting this feedback.

Now you know exactly what you need to do to improve the response and exactly what you need to keep doing.

So that's fantastic.

So what I want you to do is just to check your own feedback and make sure it's really specific and it's used those words from the checklist.

Okay, so pause the video to give yourself time to do that.

Off you go.

So we are already at the second part of the lesson, so we just need to keep going for a bit longer.

So now we're going to think about, now we know how to use a checklist and give feedback.

We're gonna be thinking about how we can actually use that feedback to improve those model responses.

So let's keep going.

So can you please find model response C in your additional materials? And what I would like you to do is pause the video and read this response.

So pause the video and off you go.

Okay, great, so we have read that response.

Now, what I would like you to do is I would like you to discuss what makes this response so effective.

So think back to everything that we have looked at so far throughout this lesson, and I'd like you to discuss what makes this response so effective.

So pause the video so you can discuss or just think about your ideas.

Off you go.

Thank you so much for your responses there.

Let's just feedback our ideas.

So we're going to use some pupils to discuss this.

So Laura says that, "Wow, I really like the comparison of their tones, because although they're both presenting arguments on gender equality, they present them very differently." And this is really true.

And I think a lot of you picked up on that comparison of tone as being a really effective thing to do in your comparative responses.

And I like that this response linked to the different form of letter and speech, because this is true actually.

If a text has a different form, then language will be adapted in order to suit that and in order to present the different viewpoints and attitudes.

So that's a really good comment there about the effective discussion of tone and the effective discussion of form.

And Jacob says, "I agree, Laura.

It's really good.

I like how it identifies that they both use metaphorical language." They're great, they're identifying those method but compares how the writers use 'em for different effects.

So this is a really key point here.

What we want to do is to be able to draw the comparisons of those methods.

So if they have used the same method, have they perhaps used it differently? And that's a really perceptive thing to do in your responses.

And thank you, Jen.

"Likewise, it is effective in the way it explores the use of rhetorical devices, like first person and anecdote but acknowledges that both writers create different effects for their audiences." So yes, just building on Jacob's point there, it's all about thinking, not just comparing the tone and their attitudes and perspectives, but also how they present these and how they use methods differently.

So great, Laura is definitely going to use some of these strategies in her next comparative response.

Brilliant, this is exactly why we look at model responses.

"Me too.

I've been told that looking at good model responses is a great way to improve your own." Excellent, Jacob's been listening to me, clearly.

And then Jen, "Oh, brilliant.

I'm going to do this too.

There are some really good comparative and analytical phrases that I'm going to borrow." And this is a really key thing here that Jen has said.

When you are looking at model responses, particularly when you are looking at really good ones, think about what you can borrow.

So some analytical phrases or some sentence starters, these are really good things to be kind of pinching from those model responses in order to help improve your own.

So this is a really good thing to be doing.

So with that in mind, true or false.

Looking at model responses is cheating or copying.

Yes, that's false.

So justify your answer by picking A or B.

Great, yes, lots of you picked up that yes, adapting ideas and useful phrases from good model responses is an excellent strategy.

Now, it says, the top one says copying and reproducing model responses word for word is a good strategy.

And we know this is not a good thing to do.

So this is why it's not cheating or copying, because if you are just using these model responses to improve your own work and adapt, then that's fantastic.

But copying and all of that kind of stuff, we know that's not good, don't we? Okay, so second practise task already.

So you'll need to find the model response in the additional materials.

And what I would like you to do is I would like you to go back to that response A and rewrite and improve the response using the checklist and ideas from the model response C to help you.

So we know what a good response looks like.

We know what model response A needs to improve on, 'cause we looked at it in the first part of the lesson.

So you should be able to bring this all together to make that response just as good as model response C.

Okay, so this might require a little bit of thinking, but I know you can do it.

So let's pause the video and off you go.

Well done, everyone.

I can see lots of you grappling with ways that you could rewrite and insert ideas into that response.

I think rewriting is actually really difficult, because you can't just add things in, can you? You have to kind of restructure those sentences.

But again, it's such a fantastic thing to practise, because you can do it for your own essays too, and they're just gonna keep getting better and better.

So Izzy refers to the checklist, and she writes a reflection sentence that explains how she has improved the model response.

So Izzy has written, "To improve, I created a more analytical response by using quotes, identifying methods, and exploring the tone of both texts." So Izzy's done a lot there.

"I also compared both similarities and differences in an integrated way." So she's not talking about the texts separately, she's put those texts together.

So that's a really lovely reflective sentence from Izzy.

And what I would like you to do is I would like you to do the same.

So I'd like you to please write your own reflection sentence.

So you might start it the same, "To improve, I.

." And I just want you to explain how you have improved the model response.

So you'll need to pause the video so you've got time to write your reflection sentence.

Off you go.

Well, thank you, everyone.

We have reached the end of the lesson, and I really hope that looking at those model responses has given you lots of ideas to go forward and write your own excellent comparative responses.

Like I said, this is just such a good strategy to develop ideas, steal a few things, just really improve your own writing.

So let's just go through everything we've done in this lesson.

So we know that evaluating model responses with a specific checklist can help improve your own responses, absolutely.

You can use those at useful comparative conjunctions to make clear links between the texts.

Your paragraphs must focus on both texts in equal detail with evidence from both, and you must ensure that the focus of your comparison links to the question.

You also need to compare the writer's methods and their tone as well as their overall attitudes.

So again, thank you so much for your hard work.

I've really enjoyed today's lesson.

Can't wait to work with you all again soon.

So until then, goodbye.