Lesson video

Thank you for joining me for today's English lesson.

My name's Mrs. Butterworth and I will be guiding you through the learning.

Now, today's lesson we'll be focusing on revising and editing non-fiction writing.

So we'll explore a range of strategies that will help you to revisit your work and think about how we can make it even better.

Shall we get started? So in this lesson, you will use effective editing strategies to revise and rewrite a response.

So before we delve into the main part of the lesson, let's look at some keywords that you may be able to spot as we go through.

These keywords are elevate, revise, squander, and credible.

Now, elevate.

Now if we're thinking about writing, this really means just to make improvements or to make it even better.

So you may hear me saying in the lesson that we really want to elevate our vocabulary choices or elevate our writing.

To revise something is to do exactly what we're going to do today, which is to look at a piece of work very closely and make any corrections or amendments.

To squander is to waste something in a reckless and foolish way.

So you'll see that come up in some of our examples, squander.

And credible is to be believable or trustworthy.

So we'll be thinking about that when we're thinking about our use of statistics and other rhetorical devices, because we want our use of those devices to be credible and we want our writing in general to be credible.

We want people to believe it.

So the outline of our lesson looks like this.

We're going to begin by thinking about ways we can elevate our vocabulary choices and our rhetorical devices.

And then we're gonna move on to think about how we can look at our writing and consider structural and sentence rewrites.

So let's start with that vocabulary and rhetorical devices.

Now, before we think specifically about those changes, I want you to reflect on your own working practises.

So I'd like you to discuss how often do you revisit and rewrite responses you have completed? So pause the video so you've got time to discuss that question.

Or you may just need to sit quietly and think by yourself.

Pause the video.

Off you go.

Okay, interesting.

A variety of different answers there.

Some of our Oak pupils here are going to share their responses, but lots of you had different answers, so that's really great.

So Laura says that she never revisits and rewrite responses because she doesn't see the point.

So hopefully I'm going to change Laura's mind by the end (chuckles) of this lesson.

Izzy says "Sometimes, but I struggle to know what to improve." And I think that's a really good point from Izzy.

So sometimes you may feel that you want to improve your work or you know, go back and look at it, but you don't really know what to look for.

So hopefully in this lesson you'll get lots of ideas and strategies as a way to check your own work, a way to revise your own work.

And Jacob says "Always, it really helps me know what to write in future responses." And that's really great from Jacob and a really good point because revising and editing and thinking about your work and how to improve it isn't just for that piece of writing.

It then helps you for future responses because you will not be making similar mistakes again, or you may thought of a better way to do something.

So reflection and revisiting and rewriting is a really important thing to do.

And like I said here, getting into the habits of revisiting and improving your written responses is a great way to elevate your writing.

So first we're gonna think about vocabulary choices.

Okay? So we're going to look at how we can revise these and improve them.

So we've got an example here of a piece of work.

Let's just read it through together first.

So it says, many teenagers enjoy using social media.

They spend time on apps and websites to connect with their friends and share things like photos and messages.

It's a place where they can chat and have fun.

Social media is like a digital playground for teens, where they get to express themselves and stay in touch with the people who matter most to them.

So what you could do with this piece of writing or your own piece of writing is you could go through and just think about any potential words you could elevate or make better.

So it's about really being critical of your own work, which word you know is a little bit not as effective as it could be.

And we can circle it.

Let me show you what I mean.

So here, I've circled, enjoy, spend, to, chat, and stay in, because I'm thinking that actually, there may be a better word than enjoy or spend or websites to connect.

So these are words that we could possibly elevate.

So now I've circled those words.

I'd like you to discuss what words do you think could be used to replace these words to elevate those circled words? So what words or which words could be used to elevate the circled words? So pause the video so you've got time to discuss.

Think quietly to yourself or even jot down a few ideas.

Pause the video and off you go.

Some excellent suggestions there.

Thank you so much for your ideas.

So let's see what we've come up with.

So you may have said some similar words to this.

So instead of enjoy, we've got many teenagers embrace using social media and instead of they spend time on apps, you've got, they squander time on apps and websites, forging connections.

So instead of creating forging connections with their friends and share things like photos and messages, it's a place where they can gossip.

So gossip instead of chat that's really nice, isn't it? And then it says, social media is like a digital playground for teens where they get to express themselves and maintain relationships with the people who matter most to them.

So you can see how those words there in purple really elevate that paragraph.

And also this is a really good opportunity if it's available to you.

You can always grab a dictionary or a thesaurus to help you find some more sophisticated vocabulary, but thinking about your vocabulary choices is a really good place to start.

So true or false? Rewriting and improving language choices is a good way to improve our use of vocabulary generally.

Is this true or false? Well done to everyone that said true, but now you have to justify why.

Why is that true? So think about your answer now.

Okay, so you may have said something like this.

So in the process we see new words and understand how they can be used in different contexts, and I think that's a really good point to consider here.

So this is what I was saying about revising and editing being really useful for future responses.

So specifically in this instance, if you are looking at new vocabulary and exploring new words, it can help you for future responses because you will have learn some new vocabulary and understand how they can be used.

So when revising and editing your website copy, you could also check your use of rhetorical devices.

So I want you to discuss first, which rhetorical devices might you have used for your informative website? So how will you check they have been used effectively? So we need to think first of all about success criteria.

So which rhetorical devices might you have used for your informative website? And how will you check they have been used effectively? So pause a video so you can come up with your answers to these questions.

Off you go.

Fantastic, thank you so much everyone.

There were so many different rhetorical advice suggested there, which is great.

We, however, for this example I just gonna focus on three.

So you may have considered some of these.

So we're gonna think about statistics.

So thinking about our use of statistics and how we can check them.

So we've got our success criteria here.

So with statistics, when we're looking at our statistics, we want to make sure that they're credible, that they use realistic numbers and that they reference specific details such as source, date and place.

So that's one rhetorical device, this is how we can check it using those three bullet points, that success criteria.

Then we've got a rhetorical question.

And the success criteria for a rhetorical question is the following, is it relevant to the topic or introduces an idea? Not to be overused and not rely on direct address? So again, we've got our rhetorical device and we've got a really specific set of criteria there of how we can check whether that has been used effectively.

And then finally, direct address.

Direct address should use pronouns such as you or we or a suitable phrase to address the reader and not overly used throughout or in quick succession.

So again, really specific ways to check that we've used direct address in an effective way.

And what we have here is a success criteria.

And what we can use this for is to create really specific and effective feedback, okay? So once we have decided on our success criteria, we can use this to help us look at our own work and create some really specific feedback.

So Alex has decided he wants to revise his use of rhetorical devices.

So Alex is going to go back to his work and check on his rhetorical devices.

So here he's found that he's used a statistics.

So let's look at Alex's work.

99% of young people are considering reducing their time on social media, due to its harmful impact on mental health.

Okay? So we have Alex's statistic there.

So Alex then begins to check his use of statistics using the success criteria.

So Alex looks at this and starts to think is it credible? Does it use realistic numbers? Does it reference specific details such as source, date and place? So Alex gives himself a what went well? And an even better if.

So his what went well is he's using statistics, even better if, they were written better.

Now the problem with this is the feedback is not specific, is it? And it does not reference the success criteria.

So he's just said, yep, he's used statistics and he needs to improve them, which doesn't really give him specific pointers as to how he's going to do that.

So I want you now to think before I show you an improved version, I'd like you to discuss how could you use the success criteria to improve the what went well and even better if? So, look at that success criteria there and think how we can use that to improve that what went well and even better if.

Pause the video to discuss your answer to the question or you may want to think quietly to yourself or jot down some ideas, pause the video and off you go.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions.

So I'm gonna show you what I came up with.

You may have something different or something similar, but let's just compare those now.

So Alex has another go at creating a specific what went well and even better if.

So, he says what went well, is his use of statistics to emphasise a point and even better if the number was more realistic and specific details were added to make it credible.

So we can see here he's really used the success criteria to give himself specific feedback that will help him to improve his writing.

So from this feedback, we know that he needs to make the number more realistic, okay? 'Cause 99% is quite a high number.

So now Alex, when he comes to improve his writing knows specifically that he needs to change the number.

He's also said that he needs to add specific details.

So the specific details he could add with things like source, date and place.

So when he goes back to rewrite it, he knows now that that's exactly what he needs to do in order to make this all credible.

So by using the words from that success criteria, we can create some really specific feedback that makes rewriting a lot easier.

So Jun also uses the success criteria to revise his use of rhetorical questions.

So he has written, Cyber bullying is a significant issue and many teens have been victims. Don't you think this is terrible? Don't you? Why do you not act now? So we've got the success criteria for the rhetorical questions there.

And I'd like you to discuss a bit like we just did for Alex.

I would like you please to give Jun a specific what went well and even better if using the success criteria.

So pause the video to come up with that, what went well and even better if, and we will feedback in a moment.

Off you go.

Okay, great.

Shall we share some ideas? Brilliant.

So you may have said something like this.

So what went well: is there a good in the rhetorical question, good introduction of issue and questions used for impact.

So the the first question is actually quite good and quite specific, but even better if is the most important part.

So it says the questions were, it'd be even better if the questions are relevant to the topic and avoided relying on direct address because we can see that Jun here is put, don't you think this is terrible, don't you? Why do you not act now? And actually those rhetorical questions could be used in any piece of writing.

They're not really specific and they also rely on direct address, don't they? If we think about the success criteria.

So he uses you quite a few times in succession.

So by using that success criteria, Jun knows now exactly how he needs to improve his writing when he comes to rewrite it.

Okay, so A, B or C, which of these is not a specific EBI? Let's just go through together.

So A, direct address was not overly used throughout the writing, maybe selecting just one or two moments for maximum impact.

Even better if the use of direct address perhaps used another term instead of pronouns.

Even better if the use of direct address was better and you changed the rhetorical questions.

So which of these is not a specific EBI? Think of your answer now.

Okay, well done to everyone that got the answer C, this is not specific, is it? It says the use of direct address was better and you changed the rhetorical questions.

It's not using specific words from the success criteria to provide (chuckles) effective feedback.

So if we look at the other two answers, it says the use of direct address perhaps used another term instead of pronouns.

It's very specific and even offers a pointer of how the work could be improved.

And A, direct address was not overly used throughout the writing.

Maybe selecting just one or two moments for maximum impact.

So again, really specific and really clear as to how that writing can be improved.

Now it's over to you to start putting some of this into practise for our first task.

So you'll use your own writing or the model paragraph which can be found on the worksheet and the next slide.

So should we look at that model paragraph first? For those of you that are going to use that.

Let's read it together through first.

So for those of you using the model paragraph instead of your own writing, this is what it looks like.

Let's read it through together.

In the context of the digital age, social media is like the school playground.

You can have fun conversations or get caught up in the drama depending on how you navigate it.

On the one hand it's great for sharing funny cat memes, but on the other hand it's not.

Cyber bullying is a big issue and many teams have had it happen to them.

This is why ensuring you are careful and on guard is an important part of using social media.

You must take care.

Don't you want to stay safe? Don't you want to be a responsible user? So that's the model paragraph for those that are using that instead of their own writing.

So let's go back to the task so we know exactly what it is we are doing.

So using the model paragraph for your own writing, you are going to circle the vocabulary that could be potentially be rewritten and improve it.

So think back to the very start of the lesson when we looked at how to do this, you're gonna go through the writing and circle the vocabulary that could potentially be rewritten and then improve it.

So if you can and you have access to this, you may choose to use a dictionary or a thesaurus to help you with this, but if you don't have one, that's fine too.

And the second thing you are going to do is you're going to give the writing of what went well and an even better if using the success criteria.

So exactly like we have just done with Alex and Jun, you are going to use that success criteria to look through your rhetorical devices and think about how you can improve them.

Okay so when you are ready, pause the video and off you go.

Thank you everyone.

It's so great to see so many of you using those strategies and the success criteria to really begin reflecting on your own writing and starting to think about how he can really improve it.

So that's fantastic.

So Lucas used the model paragraph and he created an improved paragraph which is here.

So in a moment, I would like you to pause the video to give yourself time to read through that paragraph.

And as you do, I would like you to consider this question.

How has he, how has Lucas, elevated his vocabulary choices and improved his use of rhetorical devices? Okay, so how has he elevated his vocabulary choices and improved his use of rhetorical devices? So when you're ready, pause the video, read his new paragraph and think about that question.

Pause video and off you go.

Okay, so we have reached the second part of our lesson.

So let's keep going because we now need to think about interesting structural and sentence rewrites.

So how we can make that part of our writing even better.

So we're going to consider the overall structure and the sentence level structure of our writing.

So now we've thought about success criteria, we've just done that with our rhetorical devices.

I want you to think what an effective success criteria might look like for the structure of your writing? So what do you think an effective success criteria would be for the structure of your writing? Pause the video to give yourself time to discuss your answer to that question.

Or you may wish to just think quietly to yourself.

Off you go.

Okay, thank you for your suggestions.

Now it's important to acknowledge that there's lots of different ways that we could come up with a success criteria for structure.

So you all have some really great ideas.

I'm going to share this one with you today, and this is the one we'll be using in the lesson.

So it looks like this.

So we have the beginning of our writing.

So we can think about does the beginning engage the reader with an effective opening hook? Does the beginning use one or more of the following rhetorical features? Does it use a declarative sentence or a rhetorical question or figurative language? It doesn't need to use all of them, but perhaps it uses one or more to really engage the reader.

Then we want to think about middle of our writing and we want to think about the organisation.

So does it use discourse markers to organise the writing? Does it use other interesting structural features? So an example of this might be a motif or an extended metaphor.

Does it use varied sentence structures? And then finally, we want to think about the end of our writing.

So is it impactful? Okay? Does it use interesting structural features like mirroring or repetition or short sentences to really create impact at the end? So this is the success criteria we're gonna think about using today.

So it just breaks down your writing into the beginning, the middle and end.

And it really helps you to think about what to look for in those sections and how we can think about improving our writing.

So we're now gonna look at an abridged version of a piece of writing.

So what abridged means is that it's been edited, it's not the whole piece of writing is just parts of it because I just want to explore what it has done well and what can be improved structurally? So let's look at the first opening sentence.

We're looking at the beginning.

This piece of writing is all about social media, teens and how to use social media well.

So actually, this topic sentence could be improved, couldn't we? If we're thinking about is it impactful? I think it could be even better.

So I've given some hints here.

They could use a declarative statement or a rhetorical question or a simile, and these are all in these success criteria.

So one of those could really help elevate this opening.

And then looking at the middle of my writing using the success criteria.

So the middle section has really effectively used discourse markers to guide the reader.

So you can see here firstly, connect with loved ones, stay in touch with friends and family no matter where they are.

Isn't that wonderful? And additionally, learn and explore.

Discover new cultures, trends and information from around the world.

Expanding your horizons in a single click.

So you can see those discourse markers really help to give the writing a cohesive structure.

And then we're jumping to the end now as I said, it is an abridged version.

So what's effective about the ending? Well, it's an effective concluding statement.

It has included a conclusive discourse marker.

So ultimately, and it also uses a rule of three, so metaphorical or figurative language and short sentences.

So ultimately, your online journey can be empowering, enlightening, and fulfilling.

Knowledge is your best armour.

Fight to make your online experiences your own.

So you can see here I've used the success criteria to think about what it has done effectively and what potentially this writing could improve.

And using that success criteria I've given it a what went well and even better if.

So, the what went well isn't an excellent concluding sentence using a range of features.

And the writing is a developed structure using discourse markers.

Now my even better if is obviously we talked about this at the start of the writing, you made your topic sentence more impactful.

So try using a declarative, a rhetorical question or a simile.

So you can see using that success criteria will help you go through your writing.

So you can think about the beginning, the middle, and the end and think about those specific things.

And then it will help you to generate this really specific what went well and even better if to help you to know exactly what you need to do to make your writing even better.

Okay, so now it's your turn.

So I want you to look at this piece of writing.

Again, thinking about that specific style of feedback.

And I'd like you to give it a what went well and an even better if.

So, let's read the example (chuckles) together.

And then you can think about the what went well and even better if.

Social media is fraught with dangers like a fairground ride, it can be simultaneously thrilling and terrifying.

So let's buckle those seat belts and explore the dangers.

Cyber bullying is a big problem.

Mental and physical health issues are also an issue.

Online security and privacy issues should also be a concern.

Okay, so I want you to think about that success criteria, think about reading really specific and give this model piece of writing a what went well and an even better if.

So, pause a video so you've got time to discuss this, think about your answer or even jot some ideas down.

Pause the video and off you go.

Okay, great.

It's lovely to see the specific feedback being generated using the success criteria and thinking about your what went well and even better ifs.

So here's this section.

So in terms of what went well and even better if you may have said something like, you may have something different and that's fine, but something like an excellent topic sentences that uses a simile and a declarative statement, it would be even better if you made your middle section clearer and more developed by using discourse markers.

So you can see how that feedback is really specific.

So when I come to improve my writing, I know exactly what I need to do.

Now the other thing when we're considering structure is thinking about sentence starters too or sentence types.

So we've thought about the overall structure of our writings at the beginning, middle, and end.

Now we're going to zoom in a bit further and think about sentences.

So let's read this together.

Okay? And I want you to see if you notice anything about the sentence starters.

The online world connects teenagers and allows them to communicate.

The ability to share thoughts, photos, and experiences with friends is made easy.

The flip side, however, brings challenges for cyber bullying and privacy concerns.

The key for teens is to find a balance.

The goal is to use social media positively while staying safe and mindful of potential pitfalls.

So I wonder if you noticed anything whilst I was reading there about the sentence starters.

So what you can do is a little tip for you is you can actually go through your writing and underline all of the sentence starters that are the same.

Okay? So I've done that here.

So you may have noticed when I was reading that the sentences all start with the.

So this is something you can do in your own writing.

You can go back to it and think, okay, let's look at all of the beginnings of the sentences and I'm gonna underline any of that other same.

Okay? And you'll notice here, I've used the every single time.

So I want to change this to make it more varied, make my sentence structures more interesting.

So it's something that can be improved.

And I see this quite a lot.

You know, people writing and every sentence begins with the, but we want to improve this and I want to show you how you can improve this.

So here are some ways that you can improve sentences that start with the or sentences that have the same sentence starters.

So here's our sentence.

The online world connects teenagers and allows them to communicate.

So you could change this by using an adverb starter.

So you can see here I've used my adverb freely.

Freely, teenagers can communicate and connect through the online world.

So already I've changed that sentence.

So it doesn't use that at the start.

It's gonna create variety in my work and make it more interesting for the reader.

So an adverb starter is a really good one to use.

You could also use a verb starter.

So you can see here, I've changed this to, enabling teenagers to communicate the online world connects them effortlessly.

So again, I haven't used the, I've just, I've used the same sentence, I've just changed it to include a verb starter, which again changes the structure of the sentence, which is exactly what we want.

And then finally, you could even use a simile starter, like a virtual bridge, the online world connects teenagers and allows them to communicate.

So you can see if you've got lots of sentences that have the same sentence starter by thinking, okay, I could change that one to an adverb starter, that one to a verb starter and that one to a simile starter.

There's already three options to change the structure and the structure of those sentences.

Okay, so A, B, C, or D, which of these sentences does not include a simile, verb or adverb starter? So which one of these sentences does not include a simile, verb or adverb starter? Is it A, B, C, or D? You may want to pause the video so you can read through those answers before deciding on your choice.

Off you go.

Okay, so lots of you feeling confident and think you've got the right answer.

Okay, shall we see? Let's have a look.

The answer is C, social media is a great way to connect with many different people in many different places.

So C does not use a simile, verb or adverb sentence starter.

Should we see if we can identify what the other ones are? Okay, so A, like a digital magnet, social media draws in many different people from many different places is a simile starter.

Yes, thank you.

B, we've got swiftly, social media facilitates connections with many different people from many different places, which is a thank you.

An adverb starter.

We've got swiftly the adverb there.

So that -ly word, giving that away.

And then finally, this must be enabling connection, social media brings together many different people from many different places.

We've got our IMG, past tense verb there.

Great.

Our verb sentence starter.

Well done everyone.

You're really getting the hang of this.

We're going to put what we have just learned into practise with our second practise task.

So again, you're going to use your own writing or the model paragraph, which can be found on the worksheet and also the next slide.

So let's look at that model paragraph together first and then we'll come back to the task.

So the model paragraph looks like this.

The start of your online journey can be as confusing as a deer caught in headlights.

The online world is like a vast forest and it's important to walk it safely.

The protection of your passwords is important.

Don't share them with just anyone.

The dangers of talking to strangers online is a big problem.

Keep it cool, keep it safe, and let's conquer the digital world together.

So that's the model paragraph.

Let's go back to the tasks and think about what we needed to do.

So your own writing or the model paragraph, I want you to complete these tasks.

The first, I would like to check the overall structure and sentence structures using the success criteria.

Okay, so you've got the success criteria there.

And then I would like you to give the writing a what went well and an even better if.

So, a really specific what went well and an even better if using the success criteria.

Okay, so when you are ready and got everything you need, make sure you've got either your own writing or the model paragraph to complete these tasks.

Pause the video and off you go.

Great, thank you everyone so much for your hard work.

I'd now like us to do a feedback task.

So we have Sofia here, our Oak pupil.

Now Sofia gives herself a what went well and an even better if.

So, that was the second part of the task.

So she's given her what went well is a good first sentence and her even better if is you used more structural features.

So I want you now to discuss how could we help Sofia make her what went well and her even better if more specific.

So what could we do to help Sofia make her what went well and even better if more specific.

Pause the video to discuss your ideas or think quietly to yourself.

Off you go.

Great suggestions.

Thank you.

Let's just share some feedback.

So Sofia has another go.

So she goes back to the success criteria and starts using some words and ideas to make her feedback specific.

So we now have what went well, an effective declarative sentence to hook the reader in.

Fantastic.

An even better if you considered the end of your writing, could you include mirroring or some repetition? So some really clear feedback now from Sofia.

And she can now go back to her writing and know exactly what she needs to improve.

So what I would like you to do is I'd like you to check that you your own what went well and your own even better ifs are specific and that they use the success criteria.

You can then use this feedback to begin rewriting and improving your work.

So once you have gone through these steps, you've got your clear feedback on how to improve, you can then begin to think about rewriting and improving your work.

So you may want to pause the video to give yourself time to do this.

Great work everyone, and thank you so much for working so hard.

Hopefully you now have some really clear strategies as to how you can revisit your work, think about how to improve it and elevate it.

So very well done.

So we now know that revising and editing written work is a great way to improve our writing skills overall, it really is.

Improving vocabulary choices and rhetorical devices can help inform future decisions in your writing.

Structural features and sentences can be improved to make your writing more cohesive and varied.

And then finally, that all important success criteria can be used to help you create specific feedback.

Thank you again and I have really enjoyed working with you this lesson.

I hope to see you all again soon for another English lesson.

So I'll see you then.

Goodbye.