Lesson video

Hi there, I'm Mr. Buckingham and I'm so glad you've decided to join me for today's lesson.

Today we're going to be writing the second half of a scene from the climax of "When the Sky Falls," describing the extremely tense and dramatic events at the zoo.

This is going to be a fantastic opportunity for you to share off your writing skills, so let's make a start.

Today's lesson is called writing the second half of a narrative climax scene in "When the Sky Falls," and it comes from the unit called: "When the Sky Falls" Narrative and Journalistic Writing.

By the end of today's lesson, you'll have written the second half of a narrative climax scene in "When the Sky Falls," using a range of techniques to build tension and show fast-paced action.

Now for this lesson, you will need, of course, your plan which we've written in a previous lesson.

If you've got that with you, we can begin.

Here are our keywords for today's lesson, and here's our lesson outline for today.

We're going to start off by writing the second event of our plan, and then we'll write the third event.

So we've created, as you know, a plan for writing a section of the climax of "When the Sky Falls" covering three key events.

First of all, we had Joseph running through the air raid to the zoo, and we've written that section already.

Then we had Joseph claiming the fence, getting the gun, and training it on Adonis.

And finally, Joseph being knocked down several times by explosions.

So we are going to be focusing on the second and third event in two separate paragraphs.

We'll do one paragraph for that second event, and then in the second half of the session, we'll do another paragraph for that third event.

So have a go now talking through your plan for the second event, Joseph, climbing the fence, getting the gun, and training on Adonis with your partner.

What are you planning to write in this section? Pause the video and chat your plan through with your partner.

Well done, so let's just have a think about what events we might cover in our writing today.

Put these events in order from 1 to 5 as they occur in the climax of the story, have a go.

Well done, good job.

Hopefully, you spotted, we'll start with this one, Joseph climbing over the fence and running to get the rifle.

Then we'd have him training the gun on Adonis.

Then we've got Joseph knocked over by an explosion.

Then we've got him pulling himself up from the ground, and finally, he's knocked down again and lies on the floor.

Now you might not have the exact same events in your writing, but if you do have those events, that's the order they would appear in our writing today, and those events would cross both our second and our third events, we wouldn't include all of these in our second event.

Really well done, for getting those in the right order.

So our aim is to take those notes from our plan and write a climax with a tense, fast-paced mood, to illustrate the fact that Joseph is in a dangerous and stressful situation.

So that's gonna help the reader feel as if they're experiencing the action alongside Joseph.

So we, of course, need to describe the actions Joseph takes in order to move the story forward.

Is he running to get the gun? Is he training on Adonis? What is Joseph doing? And as we do that, we'll add descriptive details and emotive details to show a picture for the reader of what Joseph is experiencing, and what he's feeling and thinking.

And, of course, we can use precise vocabulary that helps to build the idea that the events are coming thick and fast.

So fast verbs, fast fronted adverbial, and all those techniques, which build the pace of writing, and we'll talk some through in a moment.

And, of course, we're going to use the third person and the past tense throughout.

So here are Alex's notes for the second event.

Where can you find evidence of each element of a good climax that we've just discussed? Pause the video and see what you can spot.

Well done, good job.

Hopefully, you spotted he's got some precise vocabulary that shows pace, like threw himself over the wall.

He's also got some actions that Joseph is doing.

He dashed to get the rifle, he raced towards Adonis.

And we've got some descriptive details, the bombs were still raining down, and we've got emotive details.

We've got speech used to show emotive details here, but there are other ones as well, he had made it, it's a thought that Joseph is feeling.

So we've got a mixture of all these elements that build together a really effective climax, and I'm sure you've got the same in your plan as well.

So we know that a range of techniques can be used to add pace and tension to our climax.

So here's a few that we might want to use.

You might want to use rhetorical questions, perhaps using the power of three.

Could he really do it? Could he shoot Adonis? Could he keep his promise? You might want to use some verbless sentences like these, Adonis sat silent in his cage, Completely alone.

Completely surrendered.

So I followed one descriptive sentence with two verbless sentences, which add more description to that first sentence without using a verb.

I've got some simple sentences in succession in a row.

He had to try.

He had to do his duty.

He had to get the gun.

Using them like that, again with the power of three is a really good way of increasing the pace.

And we can use some quick fronted adverbials of time, like, at that moment, there came a thunderous explosion closer than ever before.

You might also use suddenly, or all of a sudden, to add pace using that fronted adverbial, and, of course, we want to use a range of sentence lengths in our climax.

We won't just use short, simple sentences, we'll mix them up with longer descriptive sentences, and that gives the short sentences more impact when the reader sees them.

So which of these two passages uses a range of sentence lengths most effectively to show the pace as well as the descriptive detail that we want? Pause the video and have a careful look.

Well done, good job, hopefully, you spotted that it's B.

In A, we've got two very long sentences, haven't we? And they're very descriptive, but we don't have a range of sentence lengths there.

In B, we've got this, on every side, the ground was littered with rubble; the thundering of explosions filled his ears.

A long descriptive sentence then we've got, but he had to try.

He had to push himself up.

He had to find the rifle.

Three short sentences.

So we've got a mixture of longer descriptive detail and then shorter, impactful, powerful sentences that increase the pace and the tension.

So we want to have that variety to help our readers see how quickly things are happening to Joseph.

And, of course, we'll continue to use a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas from our plan together.

So let's take these two ideas.

Stepped back and trained rifle on him, that must mean Adonis, and hands trembling.

You've got two ideas, which you want to connect together, here's how he could do it.

Stepping back from the enclosure, Joseph slowly raised the rifle; as his hands trembled uncontrollably, he trained the sight on Adonis.

So I've used a non-finite "ing" complex sentence, using stepping as my main verb in an "ing" form.

I've got a semicolon to connect you closely related sentences, and then an adverbial complex sentence using as, as my subordinate conjunction, and all of those together, build the cohesion in this sentence.

We've also got a longer sentence here, haven't we? It's not a short sentence, this is a longer one, that adds that descriptive and emotive detail.

We can tell Joseph is worried because his hands are trembling, and we're seeing lots of actions and descriptions as well there.

So here's a passage, which is currently just short sentences.

How could you rewrite this passage using cohesive devices and techniques to show pace? Pause the video and have a go.

Well done, good thinking.

So there's lots of different ways we could do this.

Here's just one example.

"Just then," so I've got a pacey fronted adverbial.

"Joseph spotted the tall, iron zoo gates in front of him.

Instantly," another pacey fronted adverbial, "He dashed towards them hearing Tweedy bark wildly inside." So I've got a non-finite "ing" clause there.

"Realising he'd forgotten his keys, he gritted his teeth and threw himself over the high fence, scraping the skin on his knees and knuckles.

But it didn't matter.

He would do whatever it took.

Whatever it took to keep his promise." So, there again, I've used a variety of sentence lengths, some longer descriptive sentences, and at the end there, three short, simple sentences, which create that idea of pace for my reader.

So a mixture of different cohesive of devices and techniques that add pace to our writing is really effective for showing the tension that Joseph is feeling here.

So before we write this section, we should, of course, orally rehearse what we plan to write.

So look carefully at your plan for the second section, where in which Joseph is entering the zoo and guarding Adonis.

And think about the cohesive devices we've discussed and those techniques to increase the pace.

And try saying this section of your plan aloud as complete sentences.

Remember, we want to include both descriptive detail and emotive details about what Joseph's thinking and feeling.

And remember, this is not going to be perfect, this is your first attempt at saying these ideas out loud.

The purpose of which is to make it so much easier when you come to write in a moment.

So pause the video and have a go at orally rehearsing this section.

Well done, great job, you're gonna find that so helpful when you come to write in a moment.

Here's an example of Alex's oral rehearsal for this section.

He said, "At last, Joseph saw the zoo's gates loom up in front of him; somehow, he'd made it.

Inside, Tweedy was barking wildly.

Cursing himself for forgetting the key.

Joseph flung himself over the high fence, scraping the skin on his knees.

He breathed deeply: could he really do this? But he had no choice.

As bombers roared ever nearer, he dashed towards the office and grabbed the heavy rifle from Mrs F's abandoned desk.

He had to do his duty.

He had to get to Adonis.

And he had to be ready to shoot.

." So I haven't gone all the way at the end of that section there, but that gives you an idea of the kind of thing we're going to aim for.

Now, yours won't sound like that just yet, probably, because I had lots of time to think about that when I wrote it down.

But you've got some ideas in your head now, which you can then build into brilliant sentences when you come to write.

And notice how Alex has used a variety of sentence lengths, and there's different techniques to include pace as well.

So now we're ready to write this section of the climax, and here's the success criteria that we'll use to write today.

We're going to include actions and descriptive details, using a range of senses to describe the scene.

We're going to include a range of emotive details to show Joseph's thoughts and feelings, and we'll use precise vocabulary and cohesive devices to show the fast pace of action, adding to that tense mood.

And, of course, we can tick these off as we write.

So now I'm good to show you how to write this section.

Okay, so I've begun with a sentence already, starting with a pacey fronted adverbial, I've said, "All of a sudden, the zoo gates loomed up in front of him." So now I'm going to show Joseph's emotive reaction to that.

I'm going to say, "He'd made it." That's kind of his internal thought.

And then I'm gonna have a question to himself because he's not going to be 100% positive, is he? He's still got lots of worries.

So I'm going to have a question to him himself, and I'm gonna say, "But was?" Yeah, he might be asking, "But was he too late?" So already I've included something he's seeing, "The zoo gates looming," and then some emotive details.

"He'd made it.

"But was he too late?" And I've got some short sentences there, which again, add to that pace.

So I know that inside the zoo we've got Tweedy barking, haven't we? So that's something Joseph hears, another descriptive detail.

So I'm gonna say, "As Tweedy barked," oh, what adverb could I use to describe his barking To make it sound kind of panicked? Yeah, it could say madly or wildly, those will both be good, which do you think? Yeah, I think we'll go for wildly.

So, "As Tweedy barked wildly inside," what does Joseph then do? Yeah, he goes over the wall, doesn't he? So I could say Joseph climbed over the wall, but I wanna make this pacing, and use some precise pacey vocabulary, and I think I'm gonna say, "Joseph," hmm, yeah, we could choose flung himself or threw himself.

Yeah, I think flung is better, isn't it? So, "Joseph flung himself over the wall." And we want to show that he's kind of, so, let's just fix that, "the." "Flung himself over the wall," and we want to kind of show that he's so determined to get there, that he doesn't care about his safety.

So I'm gonna say, "Flung himself over the wall," and then he could injure himself in the book, he does, doesn't he? So I'm gonna say, "Scraping the skin from his knees." And that kind of shows our reader, "Oh, Joseph's really determined to get there, he's not worried about injuring himself, he just wants to get into the zoo." Okay, so he is now in the zoo.

So we could say his reaction, couldn't we? To him having injured himself I'm gonna say, "He didn't care." So I'm doing another short sentence.

Why doesn't he care? Yeah, he's got something to do, hasn't he? He needs to get to Adonis.

So I'm gonna say, "He had a job to do." Okay, so I've got two short sentences there.

Let's just read that bit back.

"As Tweedy barked wildly inside, Joseph flung himself over the wall, scraping the skin from his knees.

He didn't care.

He had a job to do." Okay, nice and pacey.

So now what's Joseph going to do next? I think we need some actions, don't we, from Joseph? So he's got lots to do, hasn't he? He's got to go to the office, grab that rifle, and then go to Adonis' enclosure.

I think we can do all of that in one sentence using lots of pacey verbs.

So I could say, "Joseph ran the office," but what else could we do? Yeah, let's do dashed.

So, "Joseph dashed to the office." I could say took the rifle, but what would be a pacey verb I could use? Yeah, "Grabbed the rifle." And then we need another word to show he's going quickly to the enclosure.

Yeah, let's say, "and raced to Adonis' enclosure." It belongs to Adonis, I'm gonna put that apostrophe after the S.

Okay, so you've used lots of pacey verbs there, dashed, grabbed, and raced to show this is all happening very quickly.

And I think I'll add now some more emotive details, some more questions that he's asking himself.

So maybe he'd be asking, "Would the ape," or would Adonis, "Would the ape still be there?" And he's also got a worry, hasn't he? That Adonis might even have been killed.

So I could say, "Would he be alive?" So I've got a couple of questions there to show what Joseph's thinking as he approaches that enclosure.

So what does he see when he gets there? Some descriptive details show me his seeing sense as he approaches the enclosure.

Well, yeah, he sees, doesn't he? That Adonis is still there.

He sat there in the middle of his cage as if nothing is happening.

So I'm going to do quite a simple sentence here.

"The ape sat in the middle of his cage." And then I'm going to do a couple of verbless sentences to show what he's doing.

So I'm going to just have a single word as a sentence here, "Silent.

And then a second one, "Still." So verbless sentences there, showing just how alone Adonis is.

Now let's just check that back.

"The ape sat in the middle of his cage.

"Silent.

Still." I really like those verbal sentences, but I've repeated the ape.

haven't I here? "Would the ape still be there? Would he be alive? The ape sat in the middle of his cage." So instead of the ape, I could say, "The huge creature," or something similar, but we don't wanna repeat ourselves too often, do we? Okay, "The huge creature sat in the middle of his cage.

Silent.

Still." Now I wanna contrast that with all the chaos that's going on around him.

So I might say, "All around them," what's going to be happening? Yeah, we know the zoo is on fire, isn't it? 'Cause of all the bombing.

So I'm gonna say, "All around them, fires were blazing.

Oh, I could use some precise vocabulary here.

I could say, "Fires were devouring," what? Like they're eating it up.

Yeah, "The zoo's, buildings." That would be really good, wouldn't it? So, "Fires were devouring the zoo's buildings," and what would you be hearing at this time? Yeah, we've got these explosions going on around them, haven't we? "And explosions were," They were thundering, weren't they? They were making a cacophonous sound.

I think we go for, "Were thundering," I think that's a really good way of showing how loud they are.

Okay, so we've contrasted the stillness of Adonis with the chaos that's going on around them.

Now I'm going to finish off this section by saying what Joseph is doing.

So we've got Joseph holding the rifle now in front of this cage, and we know that he takes some time to kind of step back, away.

So I'm going to have him, "Stepping back," there's an action, and then a second action is going to be, "Joseph held the gun on Adonis," is that how we say it? No, we say trained the rifle, wouldn't he? Or we could say, "Joseph raised the rifle, and trained it on Adonis." So we need to tell our reader that he is pointing the gun at this animal who we know he really loves.

So, "Stepping back, Joseph raised the rifle and trained it on Adonis," but that makes it sound like Joseph wants to do that.

So instead of just finishing like that, I'm going to add a semicolon, and say what Joseph's feeling at this moment, using show-not-tell.

Let's see if you can show his emotions through his actions.

So I'm gonna say, what is hands doing do you think, as he holds that rifle? Yeah, they're definitely gonna be trembling, aren't they? So I'm gonna say, "His hands trembled." And how else can we show how he's feeling? Yeah, we wanna show his sadness at this too, don't we? So I could say, "His hands trembled as a single tear fell down his cheek." And I think that helps our reader to understand, he doesn't want to be doing this.

Okay, let's read through what we've got, read aloud with me.

"All of a sudden, the zoo gates loomed up in front of him.

He'd made it! But was he too late? As Tweedy barked wildly inside, Joseph flung himself over the wall, scraping the skin from his knees.

He didn't care.

He had a job to do.

Joseph dashed to the office, grabbed the rifle and raced to Adonis' enclosure.

Would the ape still be there? Would he be alive? The huge creature sat in the middle of his cage.

Silent.

Still.

All around them, fires were devouring the zoo's buildings and explosions were thundering.

Stepping back, Joseph raised the rifle and trained it on Adonis.

His hands trembled as a single tear fell down his cheek." So we've definitely got some actions, haven't we? We've got Joseph flinging himself, dashing, grabbing, and racing.

We've got lots of descriptive details.

We, for instance, had the buildings and explosions down here, and we've got the zoo gates in front of us here.

Lots of emotive details as well.

His thoughts here, the questions he asks himself, and we've got also, his feelings at the end there, using our show-not-tell.

We've used lots of precise vocabulary and cohesive devices to show the pace.

We have some short sentences at the start here.

We've got our verbless sentences here, and we've got all those fast verbs as well, which show the pace of the actions.

So we've done a really good job of trying to show this mood of panic and speed.

Okay, you've seen me do it, now it's your turn to write this section of the climax.

And, of course, use the success criteria and your plan to help you, and use the oral rehearsal, which you did previously, to give you your basic ideas on which to build.

And once you finish, make sure you read your writing back to check that it makes sense, and to correct any punctuation errors.

Pause the video, and have a go at writing this section.

Well done, fantastic job.

Here's a sample of just parts of this section.

I've gone from where Joseph has the gun, he's going back to Adonis' enclosure here.

It says, "As he race back towards Adonis' enclosure, fiery explosions lit up the zoo, setting buildings a blaze on every side.

Drawing close to the cage, Joseph stopped.

Adonis sat silently.

Completely still.

Completely alone.

Did you not hear the chaos around him? Did he not care if he lived or died? 'I'll look after you, don't worry!" Joseph yelled over the thunder of the bombs.

Stepping back, he trained the rifle on the ape.

"On his friend.

." So have you met our success criteria? Well, we've got actions that Joseph is doing, he's racing to the enclosure, and we've got descriptive details like explosions lit up the sky.

We've got emotive of details, like, "Did he not care if he lived or died?" That's an internal thought of Joseph's.

And we've got precise vocabulary and cohesive devices.

"Raced" is a pacey verb, and then, "Completely still," is our verbless sentence there.

So we've used a lot of those techniques to try and build the pace and tension in our writing, and make sure you've done the same as well, fantastic job.

So now we're ready to write the third and final event of our climax.

So we've reached the point in the climax where Joseph is pointing the rifle at Adonis, and this is our third and final event.

So perhaps, we're describing Joseph being knocked down several times by explosions, and want to continue using the same features as before to show the tense and fast-paced mood.

This is going to be incredibly tense and dramatic here, because we're seeing Joseph in the middle of an air raid being knocked down several times by the bombing.

So review your plan for this section with your partner.

What are you going to write about here? Pause the video and have a chat through your plan with the person next to you, or on your own.

Well done, good job.

Now remember, we don't get to the end of the entire story of "When the Sky Falls," do we? But this is going to be the last event of the section we are writing.

Now, because this is an ending, we need to think carefully about how we're going to finish this, to make sure it's satisfying for our reader.

So perhaps if you want to show the reader that Joseph is determined to succeed, you could finish by showing him struggling to his feet again, you could say this, "With a groan of pain, Joseph raised himself up once more; he knew he had to keep his promise." On the other hand, if you want to emphasise Joseph's feelings, you could finish by describing his thoughts about the task he has ahead of him.

You could say, "One thought raced through his mind; what would Mrs F do? She wouldn't give up.

She would do her duty.

And he would too.

." And that'd be a great way of finishing.

Of course, you might have a different idea for you're ending too, and that is great.

Use the idea you think will be most satisfying to your reader to show, how's Joseph feeling? What's he doing? What's he experiencing at the very end of this point at the climax? So here are some of Alex's notes for the third event.

What happens to Joseph in Alex's retelling of this section? What does he experience, and how does it end? Pause the video and see if you can spot it in Alex's plan.

Well done, great job.

Sofie spotted in Alex's plan, Joseph is thrown to the ground, and then he heaths himself to his feet, and that he's knocked over again.

So this version finishes with Joseph on the ground, and that's how Alex has chosen to do his, yours, of course, might be different.

Alex might just finish with Joseph being thrown down, or as we saw in the previous ideas, he might decide to show Joseph's feelings as he's lying on the ground there at the end of his climax.

It's up to you how you end this, but the ending is important because we want our reader to be satisfied with what happens.

So before we write this section, of course, again, we're going to orally rehearse our ideas.

So look carefully at your plan for this third section in which we see Joseph struggling to guard Adonis as he's knocked down by the bombing.

And think about those cohesive devices and techniques to increase the pace, and try and say this section of your plan aloud as we did before, making sure that you include both descriptive and emotive details.

And remembering it's not going to be perfect, this is just your chance to generate some ideas for what you want to write.

Support the video and have a go at orally rehearsing this section.

Well done, great job.

Here's a sample of Alex's oral rehearsal of this section.

He said, "Suddenly, there came a deafening roar of engines overhead; in an instant, Joseph was thrown to the ground by an explosion that shook the ground like an earthquake.

He winced in pain.

His bones were aching and his lungs choked on the thick dust that hung in the air.

Why had he even come here? How could he possibly do his job while fire was raining from the sky? On every side, ravenous flames were dancing.

Bright, searing-hot flames.

He knew he had to get up.

He had to carry on." So here at the end there, Alex has used short sentences to show Joseph's thoughts and his feelings, and that's a powerful way of finishing, isn't it? And as we've described before, Alex has got a variety of sentence lengths here, some long and descriptive, and some much shorter to add the pace.

Now remember, yours won't sound just like that just yet because I had lots of time to write it, you'll have loads of time to make yours sound like Alex's when you come to write in a moment.

So now it's your turn to write the final section of the climax, using your oral rehearsal you've just done to help you, as well as your plan and your success criteria, remembering, to check your ideas back when you're finished.

Now really focus on the ending, How do you want your climax scene to end? Because is going to be the last section of your story for your reader.

So try and make sure the ending is going to be satisfying and dramatic for them.

So pause the video and have a go at writing this final section of our climax scene.

Well done, fantastic job.

Here's an example of just part of this section, I've written, "Stumbling to his feet, he wiped the thick, grey dust from his hands.

"Suddenly, above him, he saw the bombers turning again, racing down to attack him.

Again, he was thrown to the floor.

Again, pain shot through his body.

But one thought pulsed through his mind; what would Mrs F do? Gritting his teeth, he heaved himself up, ignoring the throbbing pains in his legs and the cuts on his hands.

He would do his duty.

No matter what.

." So I decided to end on kind of a hopeful note with Joseph getting to his feet again, having been knocked down.

So have we met our success criteria? Well, yes, we've included actions and descriptive details, like "Stumbling to his feet," I'm showing an action that Joseph is doing.

I've got lots of emotive details, including thoughts that are going through his mind, like, "what would Mrs. F do?" Then I've got some show-not-tell, like "Gritting his teeth" to show determination as well.

And finally, I've got lots of precise vocabulary and cohesive devices to show that fast pace.

For instance, my ellipsis, my short sentence, "No matter what.

." at the end there, but I've also got some pacey fronted adverbial like "Suddenly," and I've got some repetition like, "Again, he was thrown to the floor.

Again, pain shot through his body," in my short sentences there.

Really well done for your effort, as well in showing the pace and the tension there, and in creating a satisfying ending for your reader, well done! So let's summarise our learning in this lesson.

We know that when we write part of a narrative climax scene, we're aiming to create a tense mood.

And to do this, we can use a range of techniques and precise vocabulary that creates a fast pace and show action moving quickly.

And we know we also want to paint a picture of the scene for our reader, using a range of descriptive details and emotive details to show what characters are experiencing, feeling and thinking.

You've done a fantastic job, writing a dramatic and tense climax scene, which has loads and loads of pace for your reader to show them exactly what Joseph was experiencing in this terrible situation that he was in.

I hope you're really pleased with the writing that you've completed.

Really well done, goodbye.