Creating effective descriptions.

Hello and welcome to today's lesson.

My name is Mr. Young, and this lesson is all about creating effective descriptions.

What's that, I hear you say, you can already create effective descriptions.

Well, have no fear, 'cause I'm gonna teach you a few small tips and tricks to make them even better.

So let's get started.

So today's lesson will have a very clear learning outcome, which is as follows.

So hopefully by the end of today's lesson, everybody should be able to use small strategies to improve the cohesion of my descriptive writing.

Okay then, we have some very important words as parts of our lesson today, and those are our keywords.

So I strongly encourage you to jot these down or jot down their definitions, particularly if this is the first time that you've come across these words.

So we're gonna revisit these words quite a lot in today's lesson, so let's take a look at what they are.

So our first key word is synonym.

A word that is the same meaning, or almost the same meaning as another word.

So for example, something could be fast or it could be rapid.

So rapid would be a synonym for fast.

Expanded noun phrase, a descriptive phrase made of a noun, as well as one or more adjectives.

So a shiny red car, for example, would be an example of an expanded noun phrase, adding those adjectives, shiny and red.

Concluding sentence.

The last sentence in a paragraph, concluding that paragraph's main idea or focus.

Cohesion, the act of sticking together tightly.

If writing has cohesion, it fits together well, and that's what we want.

We want our writing to have as much cohesion as possible.

And finally, tense, on edge as if something bad is going to happen.

So if you feel tense, you feel that something bad is going to happen.

So we see this quite a lot in kind of thriller stories or suspense stories.

So today's lesson is all about effective descriptions.

So personally, I love creative writing.

I love to write creatively and I love to teach creatively.

So it is a great pleasure to be with you on this lesson today.

So we are going to have two learning cycles today.

The first one is all about improving descriptive writing.

So I'm gonna show you a few very small tips and tricks to make your writing even better than I'm sure it already is.

And then we're gonna go into learning cycle two and focus on a story opening.

So I'm super excited to see how you get on with this.

I'm gonna give you a plan and I want to see where you take it, what kind of a fantastic story you can write in response to that plan.

So without further ado, let's get started on learning cycle one.

Okay, so Alex, Sofia, and Laura were all asked to complete the following task.

Using this image as inspiration, write the opening to a story that includes a tense moment.

So what a lovely picture.

You know, this is astronauts, assuming they're on some kind of craft orbiting the Earth.

And we've got that beautiful kind of view of the Earth below.

I think this is a really lovely picture to describe.

And the story itself is all about a tense moment.

And remember, if something is tense, it means you're kind of on edge, as if something bad is going to happen.

So let's see how they got on.

So this opening was created by Laura, so let's see what Laura wrote.

Laura said, "The man glided outside the International Space Station, tethered by a fragile lifeline to humanity.

The beauty of Earth captivated the man until an unexpected jolt disrupted the tranquillity.

Panic surged as he clung to the handrail, heart racing.

In the cold vastness, the man scanned for danger, acutely aware that survival hung by a thread in the silent void." Wow, what a lovely opening by Laura there.

I think that really hits the brief.

We kind of can absolutely see the connection to the image, and also the kind of tension running throughout that piece of writing, so great job, Laura.

So Laura uses really sophisticated vocabulary, and she does achieve that tone of danger really effectively.

However, let's give some positive feedback for Laura to act on.

What could we say? Well, we could say that Laura uses the same phrase to name her subject, which is the man, and this makes her writing seem repetitive, and I totally agree.

You know, the man, the man, the man.

It has this kind of repetitive quality that kind of takes away from the overall engagement of Laura's writing.

So what could we say to Laura? That is my task for you.

So your first discussion question for today is as follows, how could Laura vary her naming of the subject? Remember, the subject is the man.

So pause the video, have a discussion, and if you're working independently, just jot down some ideas, pause the video, and then hit play when you would like to see some feedback.

Okay, some lovely discussions taking place there.

Super enthusiastic start, which I love to see.

So let's keep that going throughout this lesson.

So I heard some great suggestions of what Laura could do.

Laura could use synonyms to change her reliance on just using the man to start her sentences.

So Laura could use synonyms to vary her naming of the subject, and this could make her writing more engaging and less repetitive.

So we can see that now.

Instead of it saying the man, the man, the man, we've got these really lovely synonyms for the subject.

So we've got the astronaut, we've got the human furthest from home, which I love, and the captain.

So I really like what Laura's done here to elevate her work.

So that is my first tip for you.

So I would encourage you to jot this down, as this is a really good one that you're gonna use later on.

But tip one, use synonyms to avoid repeating a subject.

So let's look at another example of what a student has written in response to this task.

So Alex has done exactly the same thing that Laura has done.

He has written a response, a tense story in response to that image.

So let's see what Alex has come up with.

"Amidst the silent dance of stars, the astronaut's gloved hands trembled.

His spacesuit struggled to hide his nervousness.

The inky expanse framed the fragile visage of the International Space Station as it orbited Earth.

Tension pulses through the tethered figure as he looked out at the nothingness beyond.

He looked out across the horizon and gazed nervously at the stars." So again, really nice piece of writing here.

Really transports us to that moment.

So some really great writing here.

However, what could we say to Alex in order for him to improve this? So I would say the following, you know, Alex's nouns are quite simplistic.

He introduces them without any further detail.

So he talks about the space suit and the stars.

There's no description to accompany them.

I would say this is kind of a missed opportunity for Alex.

He could add a bit more detail here, which would in turn add a bit more depth to his description.

So what Alex could do is to make these expanded noun phrases.

So expanded noun phrases, you'll remember from our keyword slide, are nouns that have additional adjectives to describe them.

So how could this look in Alex's writing? So we've got the following.

So before we just had "the space suit," but now we have "the sleek space suit, reflecting the harsh sunlight back into the abyss." Really great example here from Alex of how you can take a fairly basic noun and really make it sing on the page, like he's done here.

Exactly the same for the stars.

So before it just said stars.

"Nervously at the stars." Now it says "nervously at the endless shining stars, illuminating a part of the universe he would never see." So again, a lovely example here from Alex of how you can take a noun and really kind of run with it with all of these different adjectives through an expanded noun phrase.

So great job, Alex.

So my second tip, and I strongly encourage you to jot this down because you'll be using this later on.

Tip two, include expanded noun phrases to develop your character, theme and setting.

Okay, let's look at our third and final example piece of student work.

So this is Sofia's piece of writing.

So what has Sofia said? Sofia has said, "Amidst the cosmic ballet, the astronaut floated, tethered to the International Space Station.

A sudden jolt rattled the tranquillity, sending shockwaves through the spacesuit.

Panic gripped the spacefarer as gloved hands clutched the handrail, eyes scanning the void for the source of the disturbance." So again, really nice piece.

These are some lovely pieces, aren't they, of student writing.

So Sofia has effectively used verbs in her writing, and they are really well matched to the purpose.

You know, floating in space, and kind of clutching the handrail.

We would absolutely expect that in a story that is describing a tense moment.

So I think Sofia has done incredibly well.

However, Sofia's piece lacks a concluding sentence to draw the paragraph together and create cohesion.

Remember, if a piece of writing has cohesion, it sticks together really nicely.

So Sofia can add that concluding sentence, as we see here, or we'll see in a minute, to really bring it together.

So currently it ends, "eyes scanning the void for the source of the disturbance." However, what we could do is add a concluding sentence, which is as follows, "In the silence of space, a foreboding tension lingered, until a distant transmission crackled through the suit, revealing the imminent danger ahead." So, really nice there.

What Sofia has done is to elevate that piece of writing with a concluding sentence.

So the paragraph now has a concluding sentence, giving more clarity to the situation, which sets up the next paragraph nicely.

So yep, you've got it.

You know exactly what I'm gonna say.

Jot down tip three, because once again, you will be using that later on.

So concluding sentences draw the paragraph together, creating cohesion.

Okay then, over to you for a check for understanding.

So here are the tips we have focused on in this learning cycle to improve our descriptive writing.

What are the missing words? So if you are writing these ones down, this should be very straightforward.

But what are the missing words in these tips? So pause the video and have a discussion, if you're working in a class, or just jot down some ideas if you're working independently.

But pause the video and then hit play when you would like to see some feedback.

Okay, great job on that.

It is so lovely to see people remembering these tips which are really going to enhance your creative writing.

So well done if you've got any of the following.

So tip one, use synonyms to avoid repeating a subject, and we saw that earlier, didn't we, in one of the students' pieces of writing about using the word the man, the man, the man.

We can vary that quite significantly and make our writing even more engaging.

Tip two, include expanded noun phrases to develop your character, theme and setting.

So instead of just introducing a noun, we can add lots of detail through adjectives to really bring our story to life and our writing, to be even more engaging than it already is.

And finally, tip three, concluding sentences draw the paragraph together, creating cohesion.

So adding that concluding sentence at the end really can bring together the ideas that we've presented earlier into our paragraph, and just add that extra cohesion, which is exactly what we want in our writing.

So well done if you were able to pick up on those.

Okay, so we've identified them and now it is time to apply them.

So Lucas was given the following targets for his opening, so let's have a look at what Lucas has written.

Lucas said, "Amidst the vastness, the ship orbited the earth below.

The astronaut's visor reflected the scattered stars.

As he glided by the ship's wing, an alarm pierced the silence.

The ship, blinking warnings, hung in the void.

Panic echoed in the astronaut's helmet.

The ship, their lifeline, was in imminent danger." So really nice opening there from Lucas.

Really transporting us through that tense situation.

However, Lucas's piece can definitely be improved.

So Lucas was given the following targets for his writing.

Those targets are use synonyms to vary the subject.

So he says "the ship" quite a lot in that, so we could use synonyms to vary that.

And his other target was to improve your existing nouns.

So Earth, visor, wing, improve them by making them expanded noun phrases with extra detail.

So two really nice targets there that will definitely elevate Lucas's work.

So my task for you then is to take Lucas's fantastic opening and make it even better by incorporating those targets.

Super excited to see how you get on with this challenging task, but certainly one you can do.

So hit pause and then hit play when you would like to see some feedback.

So all the very best with this one.

Good luck and super keen to see how you get on with it.

Okay, great job with that.

It is really hard, isn't it, taking somebody else's work and trying to treat it as your own.

But I think it is really good in terms of developing our thinking and challenging our thinking, and really showcasing those targets in action.

So here's how you could have approached this task.

So we could have used synonyms to vary the subject, which in this case is the ship.

So you could have said the craft, the shuttle, or even their temporary home, which I think is a really nice way to describe the shuttle.

Again, you could have improved Lucas's existing nouns by making them expanded noun phrases.

So instead of just saying the Earth, we could say "the homely, sapphire Earth below." Instead of saying his visor, we could say his "futuristic and lifesaving visor." And instead of the wing, we could say the "beautifully curved and aerodynamic wing." All of these things just really bring that writing to life just a little bit more, and really create this vivid scene in the reader's mind, which is absolutely what we're trying to achieve here.

So really well done if you achieved anything similar in your own work.

Okay, we have made it to learning cycle two, and in this learning cycle, I'm afraid it's gonna be all over to you.

You are gonna work very hard in this learning cycle, and you are going to produce a fantastic opening to a story.

So let's get started.

So what we're gonna do today in this part of the learning cycle is create a fantastic story opening.

But I'm not just gonna get you to do that from scratch.

I'm gonna give you a plan to work from.

So when structuring our descriptive paragraphs, single paragraph outlines can be a great way to structure our ideas.

And single paragraph outlines have the following structure.

So they have a topic sentence, which introduces the focus of the paragraph.

And then they have this supporting detail, which is written in note form and gives structure to our description and our areas of focus.

And finally, we have a concluding sentence which brings the paragraph to a conclusion.

You know, the clue is in the name, it concludes the focus of our paragraph.

So we are going to be using one of these in today's lesson.

So let's see how this could work for our earlier tasks.

So we've got that fantastic image once again on the board in front of us.

Let's look at how we could have a single paragraph outline for this task.

So topic sentence, our topic sentence could be a description of Earth as the astronaut sees it from space.

So imagine this is a piece of extended creative writing, and this is just one paragraph within it.

What we are choosing to focus on here is a description of Earth as the astronaut sees it from space, which I think is a really nice way to begin the paragraph.

So supporting detail, remember, this is written in note form.

What supporting detail could we have to support that topic sentence? Well, we could describe the Earth.

We could describe it as sapphire blue.

We could potentially even incorporate a simile in there, couldn't we, like a watercolour, perhaps.

We could also talk about the dark sky beyond, the idea that the Earth is just sticking out beautifully against this kind of dark sky.

So we could describe it potentially as the empty nothingness, or we could even develop that metaphor that we've started in point one by talking about it as a blank canvas to the Earth's beauty.

Again, what else can we see in this image? Well, we can see clouds, can't we? These kind of wispy clouds kind of orbiting the Earth.

So we could definitely bring that into our description, and we could even use a language device to help us do that.

We could potentially talk about them dancing across the Earth's sky, which I think could be a really good way to present those clouds.

And finally, we can almost introduce a bit of a theme here of homesickness.

So imagine these astronauts are hundreds of miles above the Earth.

It must be quite lonely being up there.

We can potentially introduce that idea into our description.

So we could talk about the astronaut being hit with homesickness, kind of realising the rarity and beauty of the Earth when kind of cast against everything else in the universe.

And we can bring that all together with our concluding sentence.

We could get back to the mission at hand, pushes thoughts of home away, just as an alarm sounds.

So a really kind of nice tense ending to that paragraph, 'cause remember, our task is all about using the image to write a story that includes a tense moment.

So this is a really nice plan that we could use to accomplish that.

Okay, over to you then.

Check for understanding for me please.

A specific metaphor that you wished to use should be included in which part of a signal paragraph outline? Is it supporting detail, topic sentence, or concluding sentence? Hit pause, have a go, and then hit play when you wanna see that correct answer.

Okay, it is of course supporting detail.

That will be a great example of something we put in supporting detail.

We wouldn't put it in our topic sentence 'cause that kind of sets out the focus of our entire paragraph, and a metaphor doesn't really do that.

Exactly the same for our concluding sentence.

That brings it all together at the end, brings it nice kind of cohesively together, and a metaphor wouldn't really apply there.

So great job if you identified that.

Okay, over to you then.

I am super excited to see how you get on with this.

As I said before, I love creative writing.

I would love to be doing this task, so I'm very jealous of what you are about to do.

So your task is as follow.

So using this single paragraph outline, write the opening to a story that includes a tense moment.

And remember, if you are tense, you are on edge as if something bad is going to happen.

And you have all of that fantastic detail there to help you.

So you've got that topic sentence, you've got that supporting detail, and you've got that closing sentence too.

I wish you all the very best of luck with this.

I am sure you'll do a fantastic job, and I'm so looking forward to seeing how you get on with it.

So hit pause, complete that task, and then push play when you would like to see some feedback.

Okay, great effort on that.

I hope you enjoyed that task.

I hope you enjoyed that task as much as I enjoyed teaching it.

So here is how you could have approached this task.

Remember, this is not the be all and the end all.

Yours does not have to be identical to this.

This is just a way you could have approached this task.

So let's take a look.

"As the astronaut floated in the vast expanse of space, a solitary observer in the cosmic theatre, the Earth unfolded beneath like a sapphire-blue watercolour painting.

Against the backdrop of the dark, empty nothingness, our planet stood as a masterpiece on a blank canvas, its beauty unparalleled.

Wisps of clouds, like ethereal dancers, gracefully traversed the Earth's sky, adding a touch of poetry to the scene.

In that moment, a pang of homesickness struck the astronaut, a sudden awareness of the rarity and fragility of the precious orb suspended below.

Yet, with a determined resolve, the astronaut pushed aside the longing for home and refocused on the mission at hand.

At this moment, the first alarm began to sound." So, really nice piece of writing that really captures the brief there, and well done for all of your fantastic work too.

Okay, we have made it.

Once again, we've got to the end of the lesson.

I'm super impressed at everything you have put into this lesson and everything you have achieved, which has been an awful lot.

So let's look at all of the things that we have learned today.

Synonyms can be used to avoid repeating a subject, for example, the trees.

Supporting details should be used to describe the paragraph focus in detail.

Concluding sentences draw paragraphs together, creating cohesion.

And expanded noun phrases can be effective at focusing on details within a scene.

What a lovely lesson.

It's been so nice to teach you today, and I really look forward to teaching you again on another lesson in this sequence.

Thank you very much and goodbye.