Hello and welcome to today's lesson.

I'm Mrs. Butterworth and I will be guiding you through the learning today.

So today's lesson is all about evaluating and improving model essays.

Now this is a really great way to understand how to improve your own essays.

So by looking at some model responses, we can really hone our own skills of self-evaluation and reflection.

So let's get started.

So by the end of the lesson, you'll be able to use model essays to identify areas of strength and weakness, and then use these to improve your own writing.

So before we delve into the lesson, there are a few keywords that we need to be aware of that will help with our understanding.

These are judicious, terminology, discourse marker, and sophisticated.

In a moment, the definitions will appear.

Make sure you read them, you may want to pause the video to give yourself time to do this.

See if you can spot them throughout our lesson today.

So this is what the outline of our lesson looks like.

So the lesson is called, Evaluating and Improving Model Essays, and it's split up as so evaluating model essays and then improving model essays.

So we'll look at how we evaluate them first and then use this information in order to improve them.

So let's start with that evaluation first.

So before we begin evaluating our model essays, we need a success criteria.

We need to know what makes a successful literature to essay.

So what I would like you to do is to pause the video and either discuss with someone or quietly think on your own what makes a successful literature essay? Well done.

There was some really knowledgeable responses there.

So let's just gather some of those excellent ideas and share them so we all know what makes a successful literature essay.

So loads of you said about your introductions and conclusions.

So yep, absolutely we need to see them.

And ideally they will have a three-part structure.

Your essays will be well structured with a clear line of argument, well written using sophisticated phrases.

Today as we are looking through the model essays, you might even find a few more sophisticated phrases that you can add to your repertoire.

The use of evidence, both main and supporting quotes and these need to be chosen judiciously.

So that means they need to be relevant to what you are saying and they need to be the best possible quotes that you can use to elevate your argument.

There needs to be an analysis of writer's methods, and this needs to include terminology to identify key features, but also that that analysis links to purpose as well.

So the writer's purpose.

And then there needs to be an effective use of context.

So having the success criteria in your mind and applying it to model essays is a really great way to embed it in your own writing.

The more you practise using a success criteria, the more it will just come as you are writing.

Okay, little check for understanding.

I would like you please to complete this sentence.

Introductions and conclusions should use a hmm part structure.

Well done everyone that said B, absolutely a three part structure.

So as I keep saying, looking at model essays is a great way to improve your own work.

I really cannot emphasise this enough because it really helps you to be more critical of your own work and also others so you can become that really useful critical friend.

So the fact that you are able to apply a success criteria and look for specific things will just make your own reflection much stronger.

It's also a very good way to gather ideas and phrases for your own responses.

So if you spot anything throughout this lesson, bear it in mind for one of your future responses.

Okay, so we're gonna look at the whole of a model response and consider what it has done well and what could be improved.

So we have the introduction here first.

So we'll start with this.

Let's read it through together.

So, Orwell's novella, "Animal Farm" teaches readers that it is dangerous to be uneducated as it leaves people vulnerable.

The story takes us through a revolution on the farm, which was originally inspired by Old Major, but carried on by Napoleon and Snowball, self elected leaders of the farm.

Orwell uses the revolution to highlight the importance of education as a foundation of an equal society." So this introduction is actually pretty good.

So we've got that three part structure.

However, that second sentence could be a bit more specific.

It's a little bit too general and it doesn't have that clear focus.

So even though we don't know what the question was, we can still see that there isn't that emphasis on the key character or key theme from that question.

And then the thesis statement is really good.

They may want to try making it an even clearer focus by using the phrase "Through the presentation of." But actually overall, this is an okay introduction.

It just needs a little bit of tweaking.

Let's look at the next part of the essay.

So "In Chapter One, Old Major describes himself as being more intelligent than other animals.

'I may say that I understand the nature of life on this earth as well as any animal", suggesting because he is one of the oldest on the farm, he is also smarter.

He creates an image of a better life for the other animals and they are willing to give up sleep to listen to him because he is respected on the farm.

For Old Major, he gains power because of his wisdom." So this section has used a good quote and there is some good explanation there.

However, it doesn't link to Orwell's purpose and there is no terminology used to really zoom in on those key words, identify them and talk about them in detail.

So with this, in this response, using analytical phrases like Orwell has done this to or Orwell suggests or reveals or emphasises, will really take that explanation towards analysis.

So it's really important that we're zooming in on key features of the quotes and then using those analytical phrases to link to the writer's purpose.

And the next section, "However, in Chapters Two and Three, Napoleon and Snowball gain power.

Snowball is considered the most intelligent leader of the pigs and he is able to write the seven commandments on the wall, Snowball who was best at writing.

The superlative best suggests that he has power over the other animals.

And the fact that the is in brackets makes even the readers seem less educated than the pigs because their actions must be explained to us." So it uses a discourse marker to introduce its next point, which is a really lovely way to structure your responses just to signal to the reader the line of your argument.

And there is a use of terminology and superlative and an explanation of how it's been used and the effect that that superlative has, what it does, what its function is in that quote.

And then finally this section, "The pigs used Squealer to spread their power, through his propaganda.

"He could turn black into white." This metaphor suggests that Squealer's language was very important.

The adjective "black" suggests something negative.

For example, a lie or something linked with death.

The positive adjective "white" links to innocence and honesty.

This suggests that Squealer is so good at speaking that he can make lies sound like honest truths.

This might worry a reader because he may cause harm, as nothing good comes from lies." So there is an excellent use of terminology here with those key quotes.

You've got the metaphor and adjective identified, and what this does really well is it actually offers multiple explanations of the quotes.

So it talks about what black could represent, which is really clever, but it could still be further linked to Orwell's purpose and why he has made those choices.

So using again those analytical phrases, Orwell has done this to Orwell emphasises, or by using this metaphor Orwell suggests, just really elevates that analysis.

And then the end, obviously this is the end of the response and what would be even better is if it added a conclusion so it doesn't seem to wrap up its ideas or make that last impactful statement.

Now we have read the response as a whole.

We now need to think about what it has done well and what could be improved from all of those notes that we read around it.

So we're going to use a WWW for what went well and an EBI for even better if.

So I would say that what it has done well our WWW is it uses a three-part introduction structure.

It uses a range of quotes that methods identified using terminology.

So we get that superlative and also the metaphor and the adjective.

So again, that kind of links to those quotes as well there's a range of quotes identified with terminology and there is actually a good explanation of what those quotes mean in the text.

Now, even better if, it would be even better if it used a more specific and focused thesis statement and that second sentence in the introduction.

It would be even better if the analysis was linked to Orwell's purposes and choices.

So at the moment, the quotes are just re-explained they're retold by linking it to Orwell's purpose by using those analytical phrases, it starts to go into that real analysis territory.

It becomes analytical rather than just exploratory or an explanation.

And it would be even better if it included a three part conclusion.

Okay, however, is an example of? Well done to everyone that said, see a discourse marker.

We saw that being used in the response a moment ago.

Okay, so now it's over to you.

So we're on our first practise task.

So what you are going to need to do is you're going to need to read the model response in the additional materials.

So you have a nice essay there to read.

So the first thing you'll do is you'll read it, then you'll annotate with feedback using the success criteria.

So exactly like we've just done with that response.

Then once you've annotated, you'll need to think about what it's done well and what it needs to improve.

So you'll need to give the response of what went well and an even better if.

So, let's just remind yourselves of the success criteria before you get on.

So the success criteria, look, does it include an introduction and conclusion that uses a three-part structure? Would you say that it's well structured with a clear line of argument? Does it use judicious quotes? Do those quotes, are they relevant? Do they develop the argument? Does the analysis use terminology? And more importantly, is it linked to the writer's purpose? So does it use those analytical phrases or is it just retelling or re-explaining the quotes? Does it include some contextual information? And would you say it's well written using sophisticated phrases? Okay, so it's all over to you now.

Pause the video and I look forward to seeing your feedback.

Well done everyone.

It is quite tricky, isn't it? Looking at other essays and being critical, but hopefully you've used that success criteria so you can find those specific things.

So here are some of the things that you may have picked out that could be improved or what's gone well in that essay.

So the what went well, it uses an effective three-part introduction and conclusion, which is great.

There is an excellent use of quotes using both main and secondary quotes.

So you may have noticed those singular word quotes that back up that main quote, and there is some contextual information there.

Now, what would make it even better? So even better if it used terminology to identify the methods, if it used analysis linked to Orwell's purpose and themes.

So this is a real area of improvement, isn't it? This linking to Orwell's purpose and themes.

And it would be even better if the context was embedded and used to develop that argument.

It wasn't just bolted on at the end.

So excellent work so far.

So we've thought about our success criteria.

We've looked at essays and thought about what they need to do to improve.

Now we're gonna think about improving those model essays.

So now we know what we need to improve.

We're going to look at how we can use that feedback effectively.

So there are different ways to improve model essays.

So some model essays, and this includes your own essays as well as model essays may require you to add in the missing elements.

For example, if the essay is missing a conclusion, we can just pop that on in the end.

However, a little bit more of a complex improvement is when they require rewriting.

So for example, if the analysis is not linked to the purpose or the thesis statement is not specific enough, we can't just add in that we have to rewrite and re jiggle some of the things in that essay.

So the previous essay that we looked at was missing a conclusion.

So let's look at this example.

So this can just be added on.

So you may remember this from the first part of the lesson, but let's just read it through together.

So, "The pigs used Squealer to spread their power, through his propaganda.

"He could turn black into white." This metaphor suggests that Squealer's language was very important.

The adjective "black" suggests something negative.

For example, a lie or something linked with death and the positive adjective, white links to innocence and honesty.

This suggests that Squealer is so good at speaking that he can make lies sound like honest truths and this might worry a reader because he may cause harm as nothing good comes from lies." So I've just added a conclusion to this and it looks like this.

Ultimately, Squealer serves as a representation of how powerful propaganda can be in the manipulation of societies.

Orwell effectively employ Squealer to reveal the methods of control that totalitarian regimes used to gain power.

Therefore, Orwell offers a timeless message about the dangers of unchecked power and control.

So that conclusion, it uses a three-part structure.

There's a discourse marker there with ultimately it moves from the specific to the general, which a conclusion should, and it offers that lovely last impactful sentence about the text as a whole.

So we get that timeless message.

So you can see that this rewrite was quite straightforward, we just needed to add that conclusion onto the end.

And don't forget, if you see any interesting phrases or ideas in any of these essays, remember to pop them in your future responses.

True or false time.

You shouldn't take ideas or phrases from model essays.

That's false.

Now justify your answer.

Excellent, well done to everyone that said A.

So using model essays to create a bank of useful adaptable phrases is a great way to improve your essays.

Again, I think I've said this a lot throughout this lesson, but it really is such a great thing to do for your future responses.

It's just gathering those phrases, those sentences, and adding them to your repertoire, creating that bank of adaptable phrases.

Okay, so this essay that we looked at previously, we decided that it needs to link more to Orwell's purpose.

And this is a bit trickier because it needs to be rewritten to make it even better.

So if you remember we had that quote and then the explanation became more exploratory or more like it was retelling the quote as opposed to specific analysis.

So here is how I have improved it.

Firstly, I've added a discourse marker, initially and I've used the word presented.

So if you remember it said Old Major describes himself as, so what I've done here is Old Major is presented and the reason I've done this is 'cause it shows that Old Major is a construct that because Old Major can't describe himself because he's a character.

So just using that phrase, Old Major is presented shows that you understand that the character is a construct of Orwell's writing.

I've now added this in and rewritten, so he is also smarter.

So here we go.

This alongside his position on a raised platform reveals his status on the farm and the respect that he has given.

Orwell does this to reveal the inevitability of hierarchies and shows that even from the outset a power structure is established.

So it now really refers to Orwell's purpose and key things.

So again, it's using those phrases, Orwell reveals, emphasises or highlights.

Orwell has done this to expose or to suggest.

So it just makes that analysis much more specific.

And again, I will repeat it.

Don't forget to steal some effective phrases or ideas you can adapt for your own future essays.

Okay, quick question for you, which one of the following is not? So we're looking for the one that is not a discourse marker.

Well done everyone that said C, revealing.

Now revealing is a great word to use in your essays, but it is not a discourse marker.

So we have reached our second and final practise task.

So now it's over to you.

So what you're gonna need to do is you're going to read the model essay on the next slide and the feedback provided for it.

So the feedback is given here.

Let's just read that together.

So it says that what went well? Comments on what Squealer represents.

It uses key quotes, it references contextual information and there is an explanation of the quote.

And even better if it included a three-part introduction and inclusion conclusion.

It used terminology to identify methods, it linked analysis to Orwell's purpose and themes.

And that context was embedded and used to develop points.

So these are all the improvement points.

So in a moment I'm gonna put that model essay on the slide.

And what I would like you to do is using that feedback, develop and rewrite this essay in response to it.

So use some of the phrases that you may have picked up throughout the lesson.

So here is that essay, pause the videos, you've got plenty of time to read it and then work on rewriting it.

So I really look forward to seeing what you have improved.

Well done everyone, and thank you so much for your hard work.

I know rewriting essays can be really tricky, but I promise you it is such a good skill to hone.

So even whether that's looking at model essays or in your own writing, just going through this process just really embeds all of those good things that we need to do in literature essays.

And hopefully by the end of this lesson you will have picked up lots of things that you can put in your own responses going forward.

So check your own work.

So to improve the last essay, did you add a three part introduction and conclusion? If you did, very well done.

Did you manage to include some terminology to identify methods? And then this one's slightly trickier because of that rewrite.

Did you link the analysis to Orwell's purpose and themes using phrases such as Orwell has done this to reveal, emphasise, or highlight.

So hopefully you managed to get some of those rewritten into that response.

Fantastic work everyone.

Thank you so much for working so hard today and hopefully now you can see how useful and how important it is to look at different essays and model responses in order to improve your own writing.

So let's just remind ourself of everything that we have done this lesson.

So we know that using a success criteria to look at model essays is a good way to understand and embed the expectations of writing.

We know that reading model essays is a great way to find adaptable phrases and ideas for your own essays.

Using what went well and even better if is an efficient way to identify areas of improvement.

And rewriting model essays will help you be more critical of your own writing.

Again, thank you so much for joining me today.

I really hope you'll join me soon for another lesson.

I look forward to it.

Goodbye.