Lesson video

Editing and refining descriptive writing.

Hello, and welcome to today's lesson.

My name is Mr. Young, and it is lovely to be teaching you on this lesson, all about editing and refining our descriptive writing.

So in this lesson, we're gonna look at some very small tips and tricks to make our writing even better than I'm sure it already is.

So today's lesson has a very clear learning outcome.

So hopefully, by the end of today's lesson, everybody should be able to edit and revise the content of a descriptive piece to improve it and we have some very important words, our keywords, so I do encourage you just to pause this video and jot these words down, particularly if these words or phrases are new to you, because we are going to be using them quite a bit.

So let's take a look at what they are.

A semantic field, a group of words related in some way.

Atmosphere, the mood or feeling of a piece of writing.

So we could say a story has a spooky atmosphere, for example.

A semicolon, and you can see what that punctuation mark looks like in the definition, is a piece of punctuation that can separate two closely related clauses.

Present participle, a form of a verb that ends in ing, that can show continuous action and finally, proofreading, a very important skill, carefully checking for errors in a text before it's published or finished.

So, I'm super excited about today's lesson, which is all about editing and refining descriptive writing.

So if you refine something, it means you kind of look at it again and make it just a little bit better, a little bit more sophisticated.

So all of our learning cycles today are with that in mind.

So and to begin with, we are going to look at learning cycle one, collaborative nouns and verbs, that is all about making our nouns and verbs work together as effectively as possible, and we'll look at that in a bit more detail in a minute.

The second learning cycle is superb sentences, and you can probably already think about what that learning cycle is going to be about.

It is about elevating our sentences, making them as impactful as possible and finally, learning cycle three is about proofreading, not just kind of reading our work and checking for errors, but looking at really specific strategies that we can do to make our work the best it can possibly be.

So, let's get started.

So in our creative writing, we want our verbs and nouns to work together to create an overall atmosphere, so a mood or feeling.

There are lots of different atmospheres that you can have.

You can have an exciting atmosphere, a joyful atmosphere, a sad atmosphere.

The possibilities really are endless with this, but in order to create that atmosphere, we need our verbs and nouns to be working together.

So let's look at some examples of what I mean.

So we have this example here from Lucas.

So Lucas has said, "The moon pirouette in the ink-black sky, casting an eerie glow on the deserted alley.

The shadows whispered secrets as Detective Miller skipped through the crime scene, his torch bouncing over the scattered evidence." So I think Lucas has the makings there of a really good opening to a kind of detective, you know, detective story.

However, I do think there are some slight issues with some of the words that Lucas is using.

So that is my question for you then, please.

So look at this example from Lucas.

Do Lucas' verbs and nouns work collaboratively? And if not, what are the issues there? So pause the video, have a discussion, or jot down some ideas if you're working independently and then do push play when you like to continue.

Okay, fantastic start to this lesson and well done to all of those groups who are picking up on some of the words that Lucas is using, particularly the verbs.

So we've got verbs like pirouetted, skipped, and bouncing.

These verbs are quite kind of joyful, quite kind of energetic, that I don't think really fit with the atmosphere of Lucas's wider story of a kind of crime mystery thriller.

So, currently, they don't work.

They are too positive and they don't fit with his overall atmosphere of a dark detective story.

So, we could change them, couldn't we? We could change them to what is as follows on the board.

So the moon hung low.

Detective Miller trudged through the crime scene.

The flashlight swept over the scattered evidence.

So all of a sudden, these verbs are totally transformed and they are much more collaborative with the nouns and the overall atmosphere that Lucas is trying to achieve.

Okay, let's look at another example.

So we've got this example from Jun and Jun has said, "The treasure chest yawned open, its contents glittering with satisfaction.

Captain Jones ambled toward the loot, his crew members lounging in hammocks, discussing their subsequent plans." So in Jun's story, both the verbs and nouns are not really suitable to this story.

A swashbuckling adventure story full of excitement.

So we would say that that just doesn't quite work with the nature of Jun's story.

So, quick discussion question for you then.

This one is quite active.

I want you to take a role in kind of amending Jun's work for him, giving him a bit of feedback.

So what nouns and verbs could Jun change so they are more collaborative and work better in his story? So once again, pause the video.

Really excited to see how you get on with this one, and push play when you would like to continue.

Okay, great job on that.

I'm hearing lots of words flying about the classroom, which is fantastic and I think there are quite a few things we could change here.

The ones that really jump out to me are as follows.

We've got the kind of yawning open of the treasure chest, we've got its contents, satisfaction, ambled, lounging, discussing, plans.

I think all of these words just do not fit a kind of adventure story that Jun is trying to create and I heard some really fantastic suggestions of people kind of shouting out what could go there instead.

So what we've got here is a totally amended paragraph.

It now reads, "The treasure chest burst open, its rich fortune glittering with a triumphant fanfare.

Captain Jones raced towards the loot, his crew members leaping to their feet, their voices alive with excitement as they planned their next daring adventure." So now Jun has included nouns and noun phrases and verbs that form a wider semantic field of excitement, which is much more in keeping with the story he's trying to create.

They really bring out the adventurous atmosphere of his story.

So well done for all of your kind of suggestions and feedback to Jun, now I'm sure that'll be very, very helpful.

Okay, so check for understanding for me then, please.

What can we do here then? So, "Stealthily, she" blank, "silently round the corner, hoping her footsteps wouldn't alert them to her presence." So what will be the most appropriate verb for Andeep to complete this sentence? So think about what we said before.

You know, the nouns and verbs need to work collaboratively for an appropriate atmosphere.

So what atmosphere is Andeep trying to achieve here and which one of the words below best fit that? Quite tricky, this one.

So, pauses the video, have a go, and then push play when you'd like to see the right answer.

Of course it is crept.

It is A, crept.

Well done for everybody who identified that.

You know, Andeep is trying to create a kind of spooky, maybe detective story here with a certain amount of mystery and I think crept really kind of works collaboratively with that.

We'd say rambled doesn't really do that.

Rambled is kind of lazy walking.

It's not kind of, it's quite leisurely, which doesn't fit with this nor does burst.

Burst in the example that Jun used was really good, you know, the chest bursts open, it kind of adds to that excitement but that doesn't really work with Andeep story here.

So well done for picking up the distinction between those words.

Okay, so we've reached our first practise task then.

So you are going to put all of that fantastic work you've done so far into action.

So Laura wrote the following descriptive scene set in a battlefield.

So let's take a look at what Laura wrote.

So Laura wrote, "The warzone murmured with the soft hum of distant echoes and faint explosions, the subtle scent of singed buildings caressing the air.

Lieutenant Rodriguez meandered across the scattered debris, his heart gently pulsating in tune with the noisy thuds of distant artillery.

Above, clouds lingered, casting shadows on a landscape affected by conflict." So a really nice start there from Laura.

I think she's done some things really, really fantastically well.

However, there are some things that could be a little bit better.

So the highlighted verbs and nouns don't quite match this scene.

So remember Laura is writing about a scene in a war zone and the atmosphere really needs to reflect that, but I would say the words in purple are not really helping achieve that atmosphere.

So my task for you, and this is a very, very tricky task, so I'm super excited to see how you go on with this, but is to rewrite Laura's work, changing the nouns and verbs to words that are more appropriate to this war-like atmosphere.

So making these nouns and verbs collaborative.

So pause the video, have a go, super excited to see where you take this one and then push play when you'd like to see a little bit of feedback.

Okay, fantastic effort on that task.

It is a really tricky thing to do I think, to take somebody else's work and kind of, you know, use it as your own and amend it and kind of edit it.

That is a really tricky task to do, but it'll certainly benefit you when you're looking at your own pieces of work later on.

So let's see how we could have approached this task.

So the nouns and verbs within this story are now much better matched to this war-like atmosphere, in fact they actually form a semantic field of war, which is exactly what we're trying to go for.

So yours does not have to be identical to this, but as long as you have kind of amended those words to kind of create that war-like atmosphere, then you have done a fantastic job.

So let's see what you could have written.

The war zone seethed with the cacophony of gunfire and distant explosions, the acrid stench of burning buildings invading the air, Lieutenant Rodriguez sprinted across the rubble-strewn streets, his heart pounding in sync with the rhythmic thuds of artillery.

Above, ominous clouds loomed, casting shadows on a landscape scarred by conflict.

I'm sure you'll agree that, that is a much better war story now, because all of those words kind of work in tandem to achieve that fantastic atmosphere.

Okay, we've reached learning cycle two already, which is called superb sentences.

So let's have a look at what we mean by that.

So in our creative writing we want to make our sentences as engaging as possible.

We are going to practise techniques to make our sentences superb.

So these are very small techniques, but they can really elevate our writing, make our writing even better than I'm sure it already is.

So we are going to look at using present participles and using semicolons to separate two related clauses.

These small strategies can make our writing much more engaging, particularly if we are writing stories that include action sequences.

So a present participle is a word derived from a verb that can be used as an adjective.

Let's look at some examples.

So they usually end in ing or ing and can be used as an effective way to begin a new sentence to avoid reliance on, the, for example.

Sometimes we can begin our sentences with, the, too many times and it just becomes really, really repetitive.

So using a present participle is a really good way to change that.

So in particular they can be a great way to open a sentence in an intense way, that really transports the reader to a particular scene.

So quick discussion question for me.

Let's have a look at that in action.

So we have got another example from Lucas.

I'm assuming he's continuing his fantastic story from earlier.

So Lucas has got, blank, "into the room.

She said one word, 'hide.

'" So what present participle could Lucas add to start this sentence? So looking at those rules above for a present participle, what would be an effective way for Lucas to begin that sentence? There are lots of different answers to this.

There is not just one correct answer, but I'm really excited to see what you can do to elevate Lucas's work.

So pause the video, have a quick discussion or jot down some ideas and then push play when you'd like to see an example.

Okay, fantastic work on that.

I'm hearing lots of present participles being shouted across the classroom, which is great and there is great variety in them as well.

I've gone for running, just running into the room, she said one word, "hide." Which I think really kind of meets that criteria of it being kind of full of action, which is what a present participle is there to do and well done if you picked up on anything similar or you know anything different as long as it is a present participle, that is a perfectly fine way to begin Lucas's sentence.

So let's move on to semicolons.

So semicolons and you can see what that kind of piece of punctuation looks like in the brackets there.

Can be used to link two closely related clauses, which could otherwise be linked by a conjunction.

They can elevate our sentences by showing a relationship with two clauses, which can give our writing greater cohesion and pace.

The key thing to be aware of there is that those clauses need to be closely related and we'll look at some examples of that in a minute.

So we've got some examples here on the board.

The explosion rocked the building, dust and debris filled the air obscuring the hero's vision.

The alarm blared loudly in the high security facility.

Guards rushed towards the source of the disturbance and the hero sprinted through the narrow alley, heart pounding behind him, the relentless footsteps of pursuing enemies echoed.

So my task for you then is to tell me where could the semicolons go in these sentences.

So make sure you're paying attention to the rules that we looked at before.

So two closely related clauses that could otherwise be linked by a conjunction.

A word like but or, and for example, so where could those semicolons go? Really tricky, this one.

So pause the video and then hit play when you'd like to see the correct answer.

Okay, great job on that.

It's really difficult isn't it? Those kind of grammatical, punctuation based tasks, but I'm sure you've done a fantastic job on that.

It's really good to kind of keep those things important, in the front of our mind, 'cause it's really important that our accuracy, the accuracy of our punctuation is really kind of elevating our writing.

So let's see where we could have put them.

So the explosion rocked the building, semicolon, dust and debris filled the air obscuring the hero's vision, the alarm blared loudly in the high security facility, semicolon, guards rushed towards the source of the disturbance and finally the hero sprinted through the narrow alley, heart pounding behind him the relentless footsteps of pursuing enemies echoed.

So crucially, all of those clauses are related to each other.

So that's why we can use a semicolon.

So let's use the first one as an example.

So the explosion rocked the building, semicolon, dust and debris filled the air, obscuring the hero's vision.

So those two are clearly related, aren't they? Because the dust and debris is only filling the air because of the explosion rocking the building.

So really important to keep that rule front and centre when we're using semicolons.

So semicolons show a relationship between one clause and another, making the writing more engaging and cohesive.

So always have that in the front of your mind.

We are using these not to be accurate, but to really elevate the impact of our writing, which I think those examples kind of show.

Okay, quick, quick check for understanding for me then please.

Which of the below does not use a semicolon effectively? The motorcycle roared to life, the hero gripped the handles speeding into the night with determination.

The rain poured relentlessly on the battlefield.

Soldiers press forward, their uniforms soaked and their resolve unbroken, or C, the moon hung low in the sky, a lone wolf howled from the mountaintop.

Again, I think this is a really tricky one.

So which one of these is the correct one? So pause the video, have a go, and then push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, great job if you identified it as C.

C does not use a semicolon effectively, because the two are not related.

So in A and B, the motorcycle roared to life.

The hero gripped the handles.

Those two clauses are related.

He's gripping the handles because the motorcycle is roaring to life.

Exactly the same with B.

The soldiers are pressing forward, their uniform soaked.

That is related to the first clause, which is the rain pouring relentlessly.

However, in the final one, those two are not related, are they? The moon hanging low in the sky and a lone wolf howling from a mountaintop are in no way related.

So we would say that is not a correct use of a semicolon.

Great job if you're able to pick up on that.

Okay, so we have reached our second practise task.

This is going to be a really lovely opportunity for you to kind of produce a really nice creative piece of work based on those rules that we have looked at and we've got that fantastic picture to guide us.

What a beautiful image.

It's kind of the earth from space or I'm assuming it's the earth and we've got these kind of spacecraft or satellites orbiting it.

I think this is a really rich picture, a really vivid picture, and we can do an awful lot with this from a descriptive perspective.

So I would like you to write the opening to a story set in the future, using this image as inspiration.

You need to make sure you include a semantic field that achieves a specific atmosphere.

So whatever the atmosphere is, you can pick, but know the mood or feeling needs to be consistent.

Include present participles and finally include semicolons to separate two closely related clauses.

Really excited to see how you get on with this one.

I think this is a fantastic opportunity for you to put into practise everything that we have been focusing on.

So pause the video, have a go, and then push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, great job on that.

That is a fantastic piece of work.

Really good to be consistently practising our creative tasks.

So here is how you could have approached this task.

Let's look at an example.

The spacecraft gracefully orbits the futuristic earth.

It's gleaming hull reflecting the vibrant hues of a revitalised world below, bathed in the soft glow of city lights, the planet pulsates with life, promising a future adorned with technological marbles and boundless possibilities.

Hovering in the expanse of tomorrow, the spacecraft witnesses bustling cities, reaching towards the stars, their skyscrapers soaring like beacons of progress, a testament to humanity's ceaseless pursuit of innovation and unity.

Presenting a panorama of hope.

The orbiting vessel captures the essence of a civilization evolving in perpetual motion, seamlessly merging the promise of the present with the dreams of the future.

What a fantastic piece of writing.

A really lovely student example there and we can see all of those success criteria are being met, aren't they? So we've got the semantic field, which is of hopefulness, and I'm sure many of you are able to pick that out.

So words like promising a future, tomorrow, progress, innovation, unity, really kind of shine that kind of atmosphere of hopefulness, don't they? Then we've also got present participles, promising, hovering, presenting, which are really good ways to vary our sentence openings and kind of create this kind of continuous action in the scene, which I think really suits that image and finally we've got semicolons, their skyscrapers soaring like beacons of progress, a testament to humanity's ceaseless pursuits of innovation and unity.

So two closely related clauses there linked by a semicolon.

So well done on your fantastic work.

That is a challenging task and I'm sure that you have produced a really nice piece of work, so well done.

Okay, we've reached our third and final learning cycle already.

My goodness, time flies, doesn't it? And this is all about proof reading.

So you are going to be taking that piece of work that you've done in the last learning cycle and developing some strategies to kind of proof it, to edit it, to refine it and make it the best version of work that it can possibly be.

So let's get started.

So look at the following student tips on strategies that can help you proofread and those tips are, "Read through and edit all of your work, focusing on one area at a time.

Spelling syntax, punctuation sentence, construction." "Read your work backwards to catch extra spelling errors," "Double check spellings, in particular check homophones, polysyllabic words and those with double consonants" and finally, "Check you have used commas and brackets appropriately to separate clauses." So I think these are really useful tips, aren't they? Proofreading or sometimes proofreading is just interpreted as reading your work through once.

If there's an odd error, then just to just spot it and and change it, but that really isn't the best way to proofread.

There are lots of different strategies for proofreading and crucially they'll be driven by what works for you.

What works for me when I proofread my work might not necessarily be the same strategy that works perfectly for you and these kind of student tips really kind of highlight the different ways that we can do that.

So work out what works for you and then consistently do that.

You can also take some time in the proof proofreading process to edit your work and make small changes to refine it.

Here are some student tips again.

So this isn't just about spotting errors, this is about making it better.

So let's look at what the Oak people said.

"Review what types of punctuation you have included.

If you have overused an end of sentence punctuation mark, edit it now." "Review how each of your sentences start.

If it is repetitive, insert a subordinate clause." And finally, "Review how many simple compound or complex sentences you have included.

If too many of one type are used, use sentence combining to create more variety." So some really nice tips there on how to refine and improve our work.

You'll notice also that these are not kind of massive changes.

These are not kind of big structural changes to your work.

Just very small tips that can elevate it just a little bit more.

Okay, quick check for understanding for me then please.

So proofreading can include totally rewriting my opening paragraph.

Is that true or false? Pause the video, have a go and then push play when you'd like to see the correct answer.

Okay, well done to everybody who identified it as false, is absolutely false, but tell me why.

Let's just add a little bit more challenge to that question.

So how can we justify that then? Is it A, proofreading focuses on spotting and correcting minor errors, not totally rewriting a piece of work, or is it B? It can include rewriting any part of the piece of writing.

Once again, hit that pause button, have a go, and then push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, once again, well done to everybody who said A, proofreading focuses on spotting and correcting minor errors, not totally rewriting a piece of work.

If we are rewriting an entire paragraph that's more kind of the editing process, that's not really proofreading.

Proofreading is just there to spot kind of minor errors and correct them.

Okay, we have reached our final practise task for today's lesson.

So we are going to revisit that excellent piece of work you did in learning cycle two, that wonderful kind of story opening, that futuristic story based on that really kind of vivid image of the earth.

So your task is as follows.

So proofread your piece of writing you completed in learning cycle two inspired by the image.

In particular, make sure you follow the tips given by the students and those proofreading tips are as follows.

So read through and edit all of your work focusing on one area at a time, double check spellings, read your work backwards to catch extra spelling errors.

Check you have used commas and brackets appropriately.

Review what types of punctuation you have included.

If you have overused an end of sentence punctuation mark, edit it now.

Review how many simple compound or complex sentences you have included and review how each of your sentences start.

If it is repetitive, insert a subordinate clause.

So pause the video, have a go at this and you may even wish to kind of peer review you're partner's work as well if you have time, but it's really good to kind of practise all of these proofreading tips.

So hit that pause button, have a go, and then push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, fantastic work on that proofreading task and remember what I said before, you know, you don't have to do all of those things consistently.

It is about working out what works for you.

There may be one of those, one or two of those strategies which you've just done there, which you think, yeah, that really, really helped me, I found that really, really useful.

I spotted lots and lots of errors that way.

In that case, that is a really good proofread technique for you to continue with your writing.

So quick discussion questions for me then please, either independently or in your class.

Those questions are, which strategies did you find worked most effectively for you? Did you spot any mistakes with punctuation? Did you spot any mistakes with spelling? Did you spot any repetitive sentence openings? If so, how did you amend them? Have you overused any particular types of punctuation? And if so, what did you replace them with? So just pause that video, just have a quick discussion, a quick reflection on this, and jot down some ideas if you're working independently and then push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, well done.

We've made it.

What a fantastic lesson.

What a fantastic effort.

You have learned an awful lot today.

So really well done.

Let's just recap all of those wonderful things that we have learned in terms of our descriptive writing.

So proofreading is an active process that enables us to spot and correct errors in written work.

Changing your verbs and nouns to ones that work together can create a semantic field or overall atmosphere.

You can link two closely related sentences with a semicolon, and finally add a sentence that starts with a present participle to transport a reader into a scene.

Once again while on for all of your fantastic work into today's lesson and I really look forward to teaching you on another lesson in this sequence.

Thank you very much and goodbye.