Hello, and welcome to the lesson.

It's so great to see you today.

My name's Mrs. Butterworth and I'll be guiding you through our lesson, which is all about revising and editing our essays.

Now, I know this might not sound like the most fun, but I promise you, I'll give you plenty of strategies to make your writing even better.

So let's get started.

So by the end of the lesson, you will have used effective strategies to revise and improve an essay.

Before we delve into the lesson, there are a few keywords we just need to go through to help our understanding.

These are cohesive, chronological, discourse marker and elevate.

In a moment, the definitions will come on the screen.

You may wish to pause the video so you have time to read these or you may even want to jot them down.

Here are the definitions.

See if you can spot them as we go through our lesson.

So the outline of our lesson, revising and editing essays, looks like this.

We're going to start by looking at our analytical paragraphs and how we can really elevate these.

So to elevate our writing means to make it even better.

And then the second part of the lesson is all about looking at our arguments and how we can structure these, so well-structured arguments.

So we will look at some strategies in order to check our own writing and then how we can improve it.

So let's start with those analytical paragraphs.

First, I want us to think about our essay writing process.

So think, after you have finished an essay, what do you do? Or even how do you feel? Pause the video so you have time to discuss or just think about your ideas.

Wow, there's a real variety of responses there.

So let's just share some of these ideas.

I've got some students here that also have some views on how they feel after an essay.

So here we've got try and forget about it and just wait to see if it's good or bad.

And I'm sure lots of you feel like that.

Look at feedback, good, and try to remember this next time.

And then finally, I think some of you said I use feedback but also look through myself and rewrite sections to make them better.

So I'm sure you all agree with at least one of these students.

Now, essay writing can feel really daunting, but I promise you, the more feedback you get, the easier you will find it.

So learning how to take those comments and turn them into better essays is a really, really good habit to get into.

Likewise, looking at specific feedback is a really good habit to get into.

So yes, it can feel daunting when you get that essay back and you see the comments on it, but being able to work with that is a really good thing to practise, I promise.

And then finally, this comment from this student talks about using feedback to look through the essays themselves.

And this is an excellent thing to do.

So being able to reread and improve your essays independently is an excellent skill to practise because it then means going forward when you do further responses that you can just start to implement these changes into your next essays.

So thinking about our analytical paragraphs, a successful analytical paragraph should include the following: a topic sentence that is clear and linked to the question.

It should have main and supporting quotes.

It should also have analysis that is linked to the writer's purpose.

Terminology.

And finally, links to context.

So for today's lesson, we're going to focus on these four elements.

So let's see how much you remember.

What is missing from this success criteria? A successful analytical paragraph should include? What's missing.

Excellent, some really quick answers there.

So I'm glad we have that success criteria really embedded in our heads.

Yep, absolutely.

We should also include those main supporting quotes and terminology.

So well done everyone that got that right.

Okay, so let's read this topic sentence together.

And it's based on the question, how does Orwell use the pigs to explore ideas around power? So here's the topic sentence.

In chapter one, Old Major gives a speech which shows how influential he is.

Now, this is a perfectly fine topic sentence, but I'd like for you to take a few moments to discuss.

How could we make it even better? Pause the video to give yourself time to discuss or think about your answers to this.

Excellent, I really like some of the suggestions that are coming through there.

I like how specific you're being with your feedback as well.

So let's just take some of those answers and share them.

So quite a few of you picked up these things.

So this idea of in chapter one, now this is a fine way to start a topic sentence, but if you can avoid it, because sometimes it can start to feel like you're telling the plot.

So if your essay starts to sound like in chapter one, in chapter two, it doesn't really sound sophisticated.

And then Old Major gives a speech.

Now, this is quite vague, isn't it? How could this be made more relevant to the question? And then again, that final statement about shows how influential he is, yes, this is true, but again, it's not very specific.

So we need to think about how we can use some keywords from the question to make this topic sentence even better.

So here are some strategies.

So we've changed that chapter one to initially.

So using discourse markers is a really effective way to elevate your writing and also a good way to start your topic sentences because it allows you to organise your argument cohesively.

So that word initially is a great starting topic sentence.

And instead of just saying Old Major gave a speech, I'm being more specific.

So I've changed it to he uses his excellent use of rhetoric.

And this is actually a very specific example.

And then I could then develop this throughout the paragraph.

So moving from Old Major gives a speech to excellent use of rhetoric, my paragraph can then build on that, giving examples of the rhetoric which Old Major use.

So you can see how it's starting to become more specific.

And then finally, I've used those keywords.

This makes him incredibly powerful and influential.

And this uses, as I said, keywords from the question and it sounds much more relevant and specific.

So let's read it all together.

Initially, Old Major demonstrates his excellent use of rhetoric and this makes him incredibly powerful and influential.

So you can see how just making those little tweaks can really elevate your writing.

True or false time.

You should not use specific examples in your topic sentences.

Great, well done to everyone that said false.

That was a bit of a tricky one, wasn't it? So by specific examples, we're not talking in this instance about quotations, we're talking about specific examples, like plot points or characteristics.

So now to justify your answer, so we should be using specific examples.

Which one of these is correct? Excellent.

Well done.

Absolutely, you should be using those specific examples because it allows you to develop a clear idea through your analytical paragraph.

So like the example we just looked at with Old Major and his use of rhetoric, I'm setting that paragraph up to then give specific quotes and examples linking to his effective use of rhetoric.

Okay, let's keep going.

Now we have looked at topic sentences, we want want to consider the next part of the paragraph.

So we are going to be looking at main and supporting quotes, terminology and analysis linked to writer's purpose.

So let's just read the example paragraph together.

So we've got our excellent topic sentence.

Initially, Old Major demonstrates his excellent use of rhetoric and this makes him incredibly powerful and influential.

And now let's look at the next part of the paragraph.

In the quote "Let's face it: our lives are miserable, laborious, and short," Old Major presents himself as an inspiring leader.

He does this by telling the animals about the problems on the farm and makes 'em start a rebellion, which shows his powerful influence.

So what I'd like you to do is to reread this paragraph and discuss what has this paragraph done well 'cause there's lots that it has, and also what could it do to be improved? Pause the video so you have time to discuss.

Well done, everyone.

There's some really harsh critics out there.

It's really good that you've started to give that feedback.

And we also need to focus on what these paragraphs have done well too.

So it's about looking at both of those things.

So let's start with this quote.

So I would say this is a really well-chosen quote.

It's one that I use myself, so that quote is a really good key quote.

Now, if I was being critical and offering feedback, I would say that they could possibly use a supporting quote to again, elevate the argument.

So could they find some shorter quotes from Old Major to really develop that argument? Also, there's an opportunity here to talk about rhetorical devices and they could use some terminology to identify the method in the quote.

Now, we don't want to use terminology unnecessarily, but here there is an opportunity to talk about the rhetorical device.

So I would say to take it.

They've also used some good adjectives to describe Old Major, that he's an inspiring leader.

But if I was going to improve this section, I would say that it does start to sound like they are retelling the plot.

We kind of just get this description of what Old Major does as opposed to how Orwell uses language to present Old Major.

So you can see that difference there.

So if they start to link to Orwell's purpose and think about the choices, the language choices that Orwell has made, the paragraph will become much more analytical.

So let's look at the what went well and even better ifs overall.

So there is a well-chosen quote.

It uses adjectives to describe Old Major.

Now to improve, it'd be even better if they use some supporting quotes to try and use some terminology to identify the method 'cause there's a real opportunity to do that here.

And if they linked to writer's purpose.

Okay, so here is the improved paragraph.

So this paragraph has taken that feedback and elevated their response.

So let's read it through together first.

Orwell presents Old Major as an inspiring leader through his use of effective rhetoric.

"Let's face it: our lives are miserable, laborious, and short." This rule of three emphasises the fate of the animals and elicits an emotional response.

Later, he refers to the "knacker" and "the cruel knife," referencing violence to heighten emotion and galvanise the animals.

Orwell suggests that Old Major is a powerful force on the farm, using his intellect and rhetoric to influence the animals.

He has done this to reveal the methods that are used to gain and maintain power.

Okay, so over to you.

Again, pause the video so you have time to discuss or think about your ideas.

And tell me how has this paragraph been improved? Well done, everyone.

I really like how you are able to specifically identify things that have been done.

So let's just share some of those ideas just to see where we're at.

Okay, so one of the elements of feedback was about using those supporting quotes.

So they have now included some shorter supporting quotes.

So we've got that cruel knife there and knacker, which shows that their lives are in fact, miserable, laborious, and short.

So it's really good to try and get in some of those one-word quotes to really develop your point.

They have now used terminology to identify the methods that Orwell has used.

So I said there was a real opportunity here to use terminology.

So in that quote, "Let's face it: our lives are miserable and laborious," it's a mouthful, "Our lives are miserable, laborious, and short," we get that rule of three, that real specific rhetorical device.

So we've now elevated this response by using that terminology rule of three to identify what Orwell is using.

And we know that this is a very persuasive device.

This analysis is now linked to Orwell's purpose and comments on his choices and themes.

So they've used things like Orwell suggests that, and Orwell has done this too.

And at the top, Orwell presents Old Major.

So it's much more rooted in Orwell and his choices and what he is trying to comment on.

So using some of these phrases, like Orwell has done this too, Orwell reveals highlights, emphasises or suggests will just turn your paragraph into something more analytical.

Okay, which of the sentences offers the best analysis of the quote, "What then must we do?" Okay, ready for the answer? A, well done, everyone that answered A.

Now let's have a think about why it is indeed the best analysis.

So we've got this Orwell use as a rhetorical question to demonstrate Old Major's influential use of language.

So straight off the bat, we've linked to the writer's purpose.

So Orwell uses.

So we're talking and commenting on the writer's language choice.

We've got our terminology there, rhetorical question.

And the reason that Orwell has used this device.

So it's to demonstrate Old Major's influential use of language.

So we can see here how this sentence has really ticked the boxes for a good sentence of analysis.

So we have reached our first practise task.

Well done, everyone.

So what I would like you to do is you can use your own essay or you can use the model response and the additional materials but I want us to start practising this process of feedback and rewriting.

So I would like you to use the success criteria to check the analytical paragraphs.

And then just like we have done, I would like you to give it a what went well and an even better if.

And then I would choose a section to rewrite and improve.

So choose one of your paragraphs to improve, just like we have done on that paragraph of Old Major.

So pause the video so you have plenty of time to revise and edit your work.

I really can't wait to see the improvements.

Well done, everyone.

I really love how you have jumped onboard with this task.

I know it can sometimes feel like quite a long process, but I promise you, the more you do this, the more you will be, you will just find writing essays easier 'cause you'll know exactly what you need to do in future responses.

So here is an example of how you could have approached the task.

Now, obviously, some of you, you are using your own essay, so they will look very different.

Some of you are using the written model in the additional materials.

So this is just an example, but use it to compare to your own work.

So the what went well and even better if for this paragraph was that they had used an excellent use of terminology, but the EBI again was that linking to Orwell's choices and purposes.

So let's see how this paragraph does just that now.

So Orwell uses, again, we are leading with Orwell and his choices and what he is doing with the character.

So Orwell uses Snowball to demonstrate the inevitability of hierarchy.

So we've got one of Orwell's themes there.

Although Snowball's language suggests a sense of equality, he is still positioning himself above the other animals.

Initially, so we've got our discourse marker there, it may seem that Snowball is a more honourable leader than Napoleon.

However, Orwell effectively, so we've got those analytical phrases there, Orwell effectively reveals that different methods of control can be utilised, and some of these are more subtle, particularly when we consider Snowball's use of intellect and language to elevate his status on the farm.

So this paragraph now really uses those analytical phrases well to link to the writer's purpose and choices.

Okay, so second part of the lesson, we are going full steam ahead.

So this is all about well-structured arguments.

So we're gonna start thinking about the overall structure of our responses.

A well-structured essay will have a three-part introduction and conclusion, a cohesive structure that develops points logically.

So that cohesion means that each paragraph builds on the last one.

You can see your argument almost being threaded through your essay.

So that cohesive structure means that your paragraphs don't just stand alone, that they link, that they develop and logically means that you deal with things in a logical order.

So it's easy to follow your essay.

And it will have clear points, like I've just said, that develop an overarching argument.

So how do we go about checking structure in our own work? It seems like quite a tricky one, but I'm going to show you how to do that now.

So this, we're going to use an abridged version of a piece of writing.

And what that means is we're just gonna use sections from a whole essay.

So we're not gonna use the whole thing, just sections.

And we're going to explore what it has done well and what can be improved structurally.

So what we have here is the introduction.

And when you're checking your introduction, you want to ask yourself, have I used a three-part structure? Does my introduction move from the general to the specific? And does it have that all-important thesis statement to set up your argument? So let's read through this introduction together and see if it's done those things.

So here we go.

Orwell's novella "Animal Farm" teaches readers that it is dangerous to be uneducated as it leaves people vulnerable.

The story takes us through a revolution on the farm, which was originally inspired by Old Major, but carried on my Napoleon and Snowball, self-elected leaders of the farm.

Orwell uses the revolution to highlight the importance of education as a foundation of an equal society.

So let's feed this back together.

So we can see that this clearly follows a three-part structure.

Orwell's novella, the story takes us, and Orwell uses.

So we can see that we've got that general sentence about the text.

Then we're moving on to the focus of the question, and then we've got that thesis statement that really sets up your clear argument.

So we can check that it's got all of those three parts and that it moves from the general to the specific.

So that final sentence really serving as that thesis statement and presenting a clear argument.

So true or false? An introduction should follow a three-part structure.

Great, that was really quick.

Well done, everyone.

Yeah, we've just looked at this.

It should follow a three-part structure.

So an introduction moves from the specific to the general or the general to the specific.

Great, there are a few disagreements there, but I can assure you that your introduction should move from the general to the specific.

So well done to everyone that said B.

So we're now going to move on to the next part of our abridged writing.

So just to remind you, this isn't a whole essay, we're just going to look at the sections.

So imagine these are full paragraphs.

What do you notice about the sentence starters of these paragraphs? So let's read it together.

In chapter one, Old Major describes himself as being more intelligent than other animals.

In chapter two and three, Napoleon and Snowball gain power.

In chapter five, Snowball is expelled violently by Napoleon using his vicious dogs.

Hmm, what do we notice? Yeah, absolutely.

So this essay uses chapter numbers to start each section.

This is fine because it shows that you're thinking about it logically, but if you use discourse markers, again, it just really elevates your writing.

So using things like initially, furthermore, or even secondly, likewise, consequently just changes it from simply sounding like a retelling of the plot.

So using those discourse markers can really help elevate your writing.

And like I've said, using discourse markers sounds less like you are retelling the plot.

So you can see here, initially, Old Major is presented as, furthermore, Napoleon and Snowball.

Consequently, Snowball is expelled.

So like I said, organising your essay chronologically, so in order of those points is an effective way to structure your argument.

So how something is presented at the start, how it develops in the middle, and how it appears at the end, that chronological order is a great way to structure your argument, but avoid telling the story and using discourse markers can really help that.

So it will make it logical and it will also make it cohesive.

So it will show how your paragraphs link.

I've also changed here, initially, this first sentence said Old Major presents himself.

Now, we need to remember that Old Major is a construct.

He's not a real character.

So it's not Old Major presenting himself, it's Orwell presenting him.

So I've just changed it to Old Major is presented as.

Definitely Old Major.

Old Major is presented as.

So you can see that subtle difference there at acknowledging that Old Major is a character and a construct.

Question time, which of these is not a discourse marker? Well done that everyone who said D, emphasises.

Now, emphasises is a really good word to use when we're analysing language and a writer's purpose, but it's not a discourse marker.

So we have reached our second and final practise task.

Well done for getting this far.

I'm really impressed.

So again, using your own essay or the model response in the additional materials, you are going to do the following.

So you'll use the questions from the checklist to check the structure of your essay.

Then you're going to give your essay a what went well and an even better if.

So remember, we're really focusing on the structure of your essay this time.

And then I would like you to rewrite the essay to improve the structure.

So here is the checklist.

So use those questions to initially check the response, give it that what went well and even better if, and then rewrite the essay to improve the structure.

Pause the video so you have plenty of time to check through and make those changes.

I can't wait to see these improved essays.

Oh, well done, everyone.

I can really sense how hard you are working.

It's a really difficult challenge to look at your own work and improve it.

So I've been so impressed with how you have used those success criteria and those checklists and really applied them to your own work.

And I hope you feel really proud in how you have improved those essays.

Your next essays are going to be even better.

So here is an example of how you could have approached this task.

So as before, some of you will have used different essays.

So this will look a bit different.

Some of you will have used the additional material, so you might recognise this a bit more.

That's all fine.

Just use this as a way to compare your own writing.

So the what went well in the even better if was that I said that the piece had an excellent use of a three part introduction with a thesis statement.

And the feedback I gave was that it would be even better if it used discourse markers to structure the essay.

So what I did was I went back through that essay and I changed my sentence starters.

So I've said from the outset.

So I've got that kind of, instead of just saying chapter one, I've said from the outset, Squealer is established as an excellent user of language.

And again, I'm linking to Orwell.

So Orwell describes him as being able to turn black into white.

So I'm aware that Squealer is a construct and that Orwell is describing Squealer.

And then I've got another discourse marker.

Furthermore, Squealer's introduction of statistics allows him to continue to manipulate the animals, presenting the farm as being more productive and successful than it actually is.

So you can see how including those discourse markers really guides our reader and makes that cohesive structure.

So you know that this is the first point from the outset and we know that furthermore indicates that this links to that first paragraph just to give it that real cohesive structure.

So a really well done, everyone.

We have made it to the end of the lesson.

And hopefully now you have some really good ideas and what to do with those essays once you have finished them.

So we don't wanna just write our essays and forget about them.

We wanna look forward to that feedback and start independently using it to make our essays even better.

So let's just remind ourselves of everything that we have thought about today.

So as ever, revising and editing your essays is an important part of the writing process.

I think I have said that enough this lesson.

Topic sentences need to be clear and linked to the question.

Main and supporting quotes from the text are used to justify arguments.

Analysis should be linked to the writer's purpose and comment on choices.

Responses should avoid retelling the plot.

And finally, discourse markers can help organise essays.

Again, really very well done.

I hope to see you all soon in a future lesson.

But until then, goodbye.