Lesson video

Good morning, my name's Ms. Halladay.

Thank you so much for joining me again.

It's lovely to have you all back.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what you come up with today.

So let's get started with our learning.

This is lesson number eight in our Writing Masters unit, and it's called "Writing Excellent Descriptions." I'm really looking forward to today's lesson because, by the end of it, you will have written an excellent description, which meets the ambitious success criteria.

But first, here are some key words that you'll need in order to unlock today's learning.

We've got elfin, veneer, to encroach, to accumulate, and to obscure.

I'm going to put the definitions on the screen one by one, and I'd like you to take a moment to read through these and pause the video, if necessary, to write some of those definitions down.

So here's our lesson outline for writing excellent descriptions.

We're going to start with learning cycle one on showing instead of telling and how we do that and why we need to do that.

And then we're going to move on to learning cycle two, which is where I'm going to hand over to you and you're going to write your own excellent descriptions.

So let's get started with showing instead of telling.

So first of all, I've got a little drawing activity for you.

I'd like you to draw me a house, and I'm going to invite you to pause the video for a few moments while you start sketching.

Excellent, some great houses there.

Now, I'm going to ask you to draw me another house, but this time, I want your house to have five windows and a front door.

So again, I'd invite you to pause the video while you have a go at that little activity.

Again, some great houses.

I'm seeing five windows, I'm seeing a front door, so that's really well done.

But now I'm going to ask you to take it one step further, and I'm going to ask you to draw me another house.

But this house needs to have five windows, a front door, a tree outside, and a garden path leading up to the house.

So again, I'm gonna ask you to pause the video while you have a go at this activity.

Excellent, some really great houses there, and well done for participating in that activity.

I can see that we've got some future Picassos among us, so that's fantastic.

Now, what you might notice looking around if there's anyone else in the room with you is that all these houses look very different, okay? Now, I've put three examples of houses on screens for you.

All of these houses have five windows, a tree in the garden, a garden path that leads up to the front door, but they are all completely different houses.

So if we look on the left, we've got what looks like a townhouse, maybe a family home.

Again, it's got trees in the garden.

It's got that garden path.

It's got five windows.

In the middle, we have what seems to be a haunted mansion, but again, it has five windows, and it has a garden path, and it has trees in the garden.

And on the right, we have what seems to be a little country cottage.

Again, it has five windows, a garden path, and a tree out front.

So all of these houses meet our criteria, but they all look very different.

Now, what I hope you've understood from this activity is that, if your description is in any way vague or unspecific, then you cannot possibly create vivid description because detail is everything.

If I'd wanted you to draw the haunted house, then I should have included details about it being gothic, about it being frightening, about it having a really pointed roof, okay? And that would've allowed you to create the house that I'm envisaging in my imagination rather than the townhouse or the cottage, for example, which shares some of the same features but giving a different overall impression.

So let's take this image as an example of our little cottage.

How would we show that this cottage is tiny or small without necessarily using the words tiny, small, or any other synonym? And I'm going to ask you to pause the video for a moment while you have a quick discussion.

How would we show the cottage's side, size, sorry, without explicitly saying it? Some great discussions there, and I heard some really good ideas.

So I'm going to share some of my favourites.

So first of all, we can use verbs, and we can say things like, "The oak tree stooped over the cottage," and that verb stooped there would show us kind of the minute size of the cottage there versus the tree.

We can also say, "Overshadowed by the tree, the cottage this," okay? Now, here what we've done is we've compared the cottage to something around it to show that kind of hierarchy of size.

So we haven't needed to say that the cottage was tiny.

It's just implied through the use of another object of comparison.

So along the theme of using other objects for comparison, I'd like you to think now, how would you show me the features of this cottage? And what objects of comparison would you use in order to show that this cottage is really small? So we are looking for small objects that you might be able to compare this cottage to.

So I'm going to invite you to pause the video while you kind of brainstorm some of your ideas and see what you come up with.

Well done, I can see some fantastic ideas.

Now, let's share our ideas, and I'm going to show you some of the ones that I liked the best.

So first of all, we might talk about the tiles, and we might compare those to thumbnails, okay, which are obviously very small compared to an actual roof tile.

But that use of the word thumbnail would indicate that the cottage is really small without necessarily needing to say so.

Again, the use of verbs is important, and we saw that in the previous slide.

We could say that the cottage crouched beneath the oak tree.

So again, that word crouched is showing us the minute size of the cottage without necessarily telling us.

Again, we see the same thing here with that verb threatened.

So we could say that cracks, which we know are quite small, threatened to swallow the cottage whole.

So again, that's really giving us this impression that this cottage is easily overwhelmed and easily dominated because of its tiny size.

We could talk about the squeak of old hinges.

And again, that verb squeak has really kind of small connotations.

We associate squeak with mice, so again, it's suggesting that the cottage is very, very small.

We could also talk about the fact that it might have crater-like mouse holes.

Again, we know that mice are really small.

The holes that they can fit through are tiny, but compared to this cottage, they look like crater holes.

So again, we've used a really small object to compare to the size of the cottage.

And finally, we might talk about this idea of the thatched roof, and we might say that it would've made the perfect nest for little hummingbirds, so it would've made the perfect home for nesting hummingbirds.

Now again, hummingbirds are absolutely tiny.

So if we're saying that this cottage's roof would make the ideal nest for a hummingbird, then we're indirectly saying that this cottage is really, really small.

So I hope you can see here that, without necessarily saying that the cottage is small, we have shown that the cottage is small through the use of figurative language and carefully selected verbs.

So if we were to take all of our ideas that we've just come up with and put them into a paragraph of description, we might end up with something like this.

Now, I'm going to read it to you first, and then we're going to have some discussions about it.

So we've got, "The landscape dominated the cottage.

Its thatched roof could have been handsewn with tiny threads woven in and out of its matchstick frame.

Thumbnail windows winked in the sunlight as they peeped out mischievously from under the cottage's thick eyebrow-esque cornices.

There were crevices in its veneer small enough to welcome nesting mice in for the winter but large enough, if left unresolved, to threaten the integrity of the elfin establishment, which crouched under the protective arm of the neighbouring oak tree." Now, what I'd like you to do here is discuss which words here show you the cottage's minute size.

So I'd like you to pick out specific words that illustrate that kind of tiny, tiny stature of the cottage.

So I'm gonna invite you to pause the video for a few moments while you have those discussions before we share our ideas together.

Some fantastic discussions and well done.

So here are some of the words that you might have picked out as showing the cottage's minute size.

So we've got this verb dominated, which shows that the cottage is easily overwhelmed.

Then, we go on to compare the kind of thatch roof to something handsewn, and we state that it's got these tiny little threads.

Again, that word thread implies something very, very small and narrow.

So again, we're characterising the cottage through objects of comparison.

We talk about the matchstick frame.

Again, we know that matchsticks are very, very small.

So if the cottage has what looks like a frame made out of matchsticks, then we're automatically assuming that it is a very, very small cottage.

If you look at the choice of verbs, we've got peeped, crouched, threatened.

All of these verbs, again, suggest smallness and minuteness, okay? And what we've actually got here is through these objects for comparison and through these verbs that we've chosen that all kinda have connotations of smallness, we have established a semantic field of inferiority.

And when we say inferiority, we just mean a kind of tininess and vulnerability because of something's size, okay? And this semantic field of inferiority has been used really effectively to show us the cottage's size.

So nowhere in this paragraph have we actually said that the cottage was tiny or small, okay? We've shown our reader that it was tiny through the use of objects for comparison, carefully selected verbs, and our semantic field of inferiority.

So let's check for understanding.

Which of the following devices can you use to show your setting without simply telling? Can you use alliteration? Can you use a semantic field? Can you use figurative language, or can you use mirroring? And I'm gonna invite you to pause the video for a few moments while you jot your answers down.

Fantastic, well done, great answers, and congratulations to those of you who identified that actually the semantic field and figurative language are both methods that you can use in order to show your setting and not simply tell your reader what it is like.

Well done.

So onto our first task of the lesson, I'm going to give you two sentences, and they're taken from a description of this house here.

So first sentence is this.

"The house looked huge compared to its surroundings." It's an okay sentence.

The second sentence is, "Big pillars held it up." Again, okay, not massively descriptive, though, is it? So what I'm going to ask you to do now is rewrite both of these sentences, but I want you to add detailing about the house that characterises it as huge, okay? So you are not allowed to use the words big, large, huge, enormous, gigantic or any other synonym for large because the whole idea of this task is that you are showing me the house's size without telling me.

So I'm going to be quite mean, and I'm going to ban all synonyms for the word big.

So what I'd like you to do now is pause the video and have a go at rewriting those sentences, showing me the size of the house rather than just telling me.

So pause the video and have a go at that now.

Fantastic effort there.

I could see that you all gave 100%, so well done.

Now, here's what you could have written.

So for our first sentence, "The house looked huge compared to its surroundings," you could have written something like this.

"The mansion sprawled across the hill.

It encroached on every free bit of ground, spreading itself greedily, swallowing everything and anything in its path." So here what we've done is we've added in that verb sprawled, okay, which again suggests that the mansion is taking up a lot of space.

Again, the verb encroached suggests that it is huge and vast, and it is taking over other, you know, objects' territory.

It's taking up every free bit of ground.

So again, we can infer from that that it is massive.

And again, these verbs spreading, swallowing, and the adverb greedily show us, you know, just the vastness of this mansion because it's literally gobbling up its surroundings here, okay? So it's a really effective use of verbs here and also that adverb of greedily.

Now, for our second sentence, "Big pillars held it up," quite a basic sentence, really.

I think, you know, there was a lot to improve here.

You could have written, "Trunk-like pillars wedged themselves between the ground and each floor, forcing the ceilings upwards so that every atom of space was stuffed full with splendour." So again, here we've got this comparison of it to trunks, like tree trunks almost, again, big, big objects.

Again, that verb wedged, okay, implies that it is far too big to fit in the space almost.

Again, forced implies the sheer power and therefore the size of this mansion.

And again, we're filling every atom of space.

So that is showing us just how much this mansion has expanded, and it's stuffing the atmosphere full, okay? So again, here we can really clearly see that the size of this mansion is being conveyed through the description.

We're not being told it's big.

We're being shown that it's big, okay? So well done if you ended up with anything like these two examples here.

You've done a really good job.

And now on to the second part of our lesson where I'm going to pass over to you, and you are going to write your excellent description.

So let's have a look at what you'll be writing about.

You are going to be writing a description of this image.

However, before you can start writing, I'd like you to discuss, what steps do you need to have taken before you can pick up your pen to write? And I'm going to invite you to pause the video while you have those discussions.

Fabulous, well done.

So let's have a look at what you need to have done.

First of all, you need to have mind-mapped your ideas by imagining yourself into that setting and asking yourself questions about the setting in order to further refine your ideas.

You then need to have chosen three to four of the strongest images within your ideas to describe.

Which can you describe most vividly? Which do you think would best characterise the overall impression of this setting? So you need to think really strategically about which components or aspects of the picture you are going to focus on.

You then need to have created single-paragraph outlines for each of these images.

So each of your three to four objects or components within that image that you're going to describe, you need to have written single-paragraph outlines for.

Planning is so important, and it's actually as important as writing.

And you need to use these single-paragraph outlines in order to put yourself in the best position possible before writing so you know exactly what you're going to write so that your description is concise, vivid, and multisensory.

So make sure that you've completed all of the following steps before you move on to the next slide.

Now, let's just have a little bit of a recap.

This unit is all about learning to write with flair.

So what does that look like when we're writing descriptions? Well, it looks like strategically choosing focal points within the scene.

So we can't describe everything.

We've got to pick those three to four images that we think will give a holistic impression of the scene.

We're looking to use really precise vocabulary that has been chosen for effect, okay? That doesn't necessarily mean using the most sophisticated word.

It means using the most accurate and precise word to convey the meaning that you want to convey.

We're looking to use figurative language to create vivid and multisensory description, so description that appeals to our touch, taste, sight, smell, and sound, okay? We're really looking to feel as if we are in that setting, okay? And that's what vivid means.

We're looking to see you manipulate syntax for your desired effects.

So you might want to build tension.

So you might want to think about the order in which you put your words in a sentence.

You also are looking to use spelling, punctuation, and grammar accurately but also for effect, okay? So again, that can be really instrumental in the building of tension.

So think very carefully about the punctuation that you're using and make sure it's not only accurate but effective.

So before we get started, I just want to check your understanding.

True or false, "I should describe as much of the setting as possible to make it more realistic and vivid." I'm going to give you a moment to think about that statement and decide whether you think it is true or false.

So I'd like you to pause the video while you jot your answer down.

And well done to those of you that identified that it is indeed false.

What I'd like you to think about now is, well, why is it false? And I'm gonna show you two justifications for your answer that I'd like you to read and then choose the correct one.

So again, I'd invite you to pause the video while you read those justifications and decide which you think is the most valid.

And congratulations to those of you that determined that B is, in fact, the correct justification.

We cannot describe the whole image.

So what we need to do is focus on a few focal points within the setting and describe them in detail so that the description of the scene is holistic and vivid.

So well done if you identified that B was the correct justification.

Okay, so over to you.

As I said before, you are going to be writing a description of this image.

Now, in order to make this a really successful description, you need to make sure that you are meeting that ambitious success criteria by strategically choosing those focal points within the scene, using really precise vocabulary that is for effect, using figurative language to create vivid and multisensory descriptions, manipulating your syntax for your desired effect, so you might want to build tension, and finally, using spelling, punctuation, and grammar accurately but also for effect.

So what I'm going to do now is invite you to pause the video while you have a go at writing your full and amazing description of the image on the slide now.

So pause the video, have a go, keep the success criteria in mind, and enjoy.

Excellent resilience demonstrated there, and I'm really impressed with some of the descriptions that you came up with, so massive well done.

Now, in terms of feedback, we're going to do something a little bit different today.

I've written a model response to the exact same task that you were undertaking.

We are going to use the exemplar response to improve your work, okay? So we're going to look at my answer.

You're going to pick things out of it that you like, and you're going to add them into your own work to improve it.

So some of the things that you might want to look out for as we are reading are things that you might want to magpie or steal from my answer to put into yours.

And these might be bits of vocabulary that you like, phrases that you like, another focal point that you hadn't initially included that you might want to add in.

So for example, it could be the smell of the scene or the noise of the scene that you didn't originally include, but you think might add something to your description.

You might also really like the use of figurative language and want to take aspects of that and put them into your model answer, okay? Now, I wanted to show you some of the things you might steal first before we read the description because I think it might be a sensible idea for you to, as we're reading, highlight things that you really like that you might want to steal.

So I'm going to read you the model answer.

Ideally, you would have a highlighter in hand, and you will be highlighting things that you like as I read through it.

So I'm going to start reading now.

"The lurid green cupboards, once vibrant, now bore the grimy scars of neglect, their surfaces smeared with years of accumulated grease and grime.

The tiles on the backsplash, which might have once shimmered, were obscured by thick layers of filth and large colonies of mould, which had rooted themselves stubbornly in the chipped corners of the tiles.

The cracked porcelain in sink, a repository for unwashed dishes and culinary relics of the past, had become a monument to its past owner's procrastination.

The once shiny surfaces of the discarded pots and pans were now dulled by encrusted food remnants, which looked almost crystalline with growing cultures of bacteria.

They jutted out haphazardly at every angle from the teetering pile, and any slight motion would send them avalanching onto the cluttered counters, filling the silent space with a deafening clutter of colliding steel.

A nauseating odour hung heavily in the air, obnoxious blend of rotting food, stale grease, and mildew.

Flies circled lazily around the kitchen, drawn by the pungent stench of putrefaction.

Neglect had taken root, and the room was slowly transforming into a museum of culinary abandonment and desertion." So now, bearing in mind that you should have highlighted things that you might want to steal, I'm going to show you an example of how you might use this model to improve your own work.

So here's that example.

In the model answer, you might have really loved the use of verbs, okay? So you might have liked this word bore, and the verb obscured, and the verb rooted.

And you might have thought, "Hmm, I think they're really effective verbs that I want to add into my response." You would then go into your own piece of writing and identify which verbs that you've used that you could swap or substitute for these better, or improved, or more specific verbs that I've used, and you would make the substitutions.

So that is an example of how you would use this model answer to improve your own writing.

So what I'd like you to do now is basically go and do that, okay? So you're gonna use the exemplar and the suggestions below to improve your own work.

So here are those suggestions again of what you might steal from the model answer and what you might want to substitute into your own work.

I'd like you to make these substitutions in a different colour so that you can see the improvements, okay, 'cause redrafting's really important, and I want you to be able to see that process.

So I'm going to invite you to pause the video now while you identify what you want to steal from the model answer and where you're going to substitute it into your own response.

So pause the video and have a go at your improvement task.

Well done, I'm seeing lots of different-colored pens on those bits of paper, so massive well done.

You've done really well there to be so reflective, 'kay, 'cause reflection's really important, so excellent work.

So to summarise today's learning for writing excellent descriptions, first of all, excellent descriptions focus on describing details, and they don't try to describe too much.

You should be showing your reader what the setting is like without just telling them.

Okay, and in terms of what that looks like, well, showing, not telling means describing the features or the attributes of something rather than just saying explicitly what it is.

And we looked at that earlier in learning cycle one.

You can also use figurative language and semantic fields to make your descriptions really vivid.

And finally, you can always use other pieces of writing as inspiration and incorporate elements from their work into your own, okay? Sharing is caring, and no piece of writing is completely new.

So it's absolutely okay to steal and magpie other people's ideas for your own work.

That's fine.

And now, I'd just like to thank you for joining me again for today's lesson.

I've really enjoyed teaching you, and I'm massively looking forward to seeing you for the next lesson in our Writing Masters unit.

Thank you and have a fabulous day.