This lesson is all about using feedback to improve description.

Hello, my name is Mr. Young, and it's great to be with you in today's lesson.

So let's get started.

And today's learning outcome is a very clear one.

So hopefully by the end of today's lesson, everybody should be able to do the following, which is to use feedback to improve specific aspects of my descriptive writing.

And as always, we'll have some very important words today, which are our keywords.

Do remember to pause the video if you'd like to spend a little bit more time with these words and their definitions.

But today's keywords are as follows.

Grammar.

Tense.

Foreboding.

Homophones.

And desolate.

So today's lesson we'll have two very clear learning cycles.

So our first learning cycle is all about reviewing, spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

So looking at all those specific rules that dictate those things, particularly how we use them in our writing.

And then we're going to move on to our second learning cycle of today, which is all about using feedback to improve writing.

So thinking about how we can use specific targets and specific even better ifs to improve our writing just a little bit more.

So let's get started with learning cycle one.

Okay, so your very first task for today is a quick discussion task.

So your question is as follows, why is it important to review our work once we have completed it? Pause the video, have a quick discussion, and do push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, some really nice discussions to kickstart our learning today.

And well done if you said anything similar to what we have on the board at the moment.

So we've got some student comments here.

So we've got things like, I can spot spelling mistakes.

I can identify areas of my work to improve.

And I can make sure my punctuation and grammar is accurate.

Well done if you picked up on anything similar to that.

So ultimately, getting into the habit of revisiting and improving your work is an essential skill.

Today we are going to look at reviewing the spelling, punctuation, and grammar of your work and responding to feedback.

So ultimately, everything we are doing is all about making our work just a little bit better.

Whether that's improving a word, whether that's improving some punctuation, or whether that's spotting some mistakes that we let through the first time around.

So let's get going.

So our discussion question is as follows.

So why is it important to maintain accurate grammar in your writing? Pause the video, have a quick discussion, and then do push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, some great discussions taking place in the classroom there, and I'll be super impressed if anybody identified anything similar to what is on the board now.

So good grammar helps us speak and write clearly, so people understand us better.

Without it, our writing can lack clarity and can seem confusing.

So ultimately, grammar is all about making our writing as clear and readable as possible for our audience.

So our next question is as follows, then.

So thinking specifically about grammar, what are some common grammatical mistakes that students make? So maybe think about your own work.

Are there any mistakes that you potentially regularly make, or are there any particular mistakes that you see often in other people's work when you are peer reviewing, for example? So pause the video, have a quick discussion, and then do push play when you'd like to continue.

Once again, some really nice discussions taking place throughout the classroom.

And some examples I've got are the ones on the board.

So examples of common grammatical mistakes are as follows.

We've got tense disagreement.

We've got pronoun disagreement.

We've got incorrect words, and we've got misplaced apostrophes.

So firstly, tense disagreement is all about consistency in our tenses.

So for example, if we are reading a piece of writing that begins in the present tense, then we would reasonably expect it to continue in that tense through to its entirety.

Again, pronoun disagreement.

If we are reading about a singular character, then we would expect their pronouns to match that.

So if we are following a man in a dystopia, we would expect to see he, him, his, for example.

We would not expect that to be any different.

And if it was, it would be potentially a grammatical mistake.

Again, incorrect words.

So we've got the classic example there of they're, their, and there.

These are three words that look very similar and sound very similar, but they all do very, very different things.

So the incorrect use of them can absolutely be a common grammatical mistake.

And again, misplaced apostrophes.

So apostrophes are used as a piece of punctuation to usually show possession or ownership.

Sometimes they can creep into our plurals as well, and we'll look at an example of that later on.

So that's quite a lot of talking from me.

So a quick task for you, then, please.

So we have an example of a student piece of work, which is as follows.

"In the gloomy, deserted metropolis, there were signs of the past all around.

The crumbling structures spoke of a time long ago.

A group of men walk the streets, he wants answers." So what I'd like you to do, then, this is quite a challenging task, is to look at this piece of work and identify what grammatical mistakes have been made in this piece of writing.

So pause the video, have a quick go at the task, and push play when you'd like to see the correct answers.

Okay, really nice work on that task.

And I'll be super impressed if anybody identified any of the following grammatical mistakes in this piece of writing.

So there's quite a few there just for a couple of sentences.

Our first grammatical mistake is the incorrect use of their.

Okay, this is not the correct use of their for the situation.

Again, we've got structure's spoke.

This apostrophe has been added into structures for no reason at all.

That should not be there.

The structures are just a plural.

Again, we've got this idea of a group of men walk the streets, he wants answers.

So we kind of have a pronoun disagreement here.

A group of men is a group.

So we would expect the pronoun to reflect that it should be potentially they instead of he.

And then, finally, we've also got a kind of tense change in this piece of writing.

The tense changes at different points.

So if we were looking to correct that, we would do that as follows.

"So in the gloomy, deserted metropolis, there were signs of the past all around.

The crumbling structures spoke of a time long ago.

A group of men walked the streets, they wanted answers." So excellent job if you were able to pick up on those mistakes yourselves.

Okay, our first check for understanding is as follows, then.

So what grammatical mistake has been made in the following sentence? "He ran quickly along the road and hide when he heard the surveillance drones hovering above." Pause the video, have a quick go, and push play when you'd like to see the correct answer.

Great job if you identified it as A, tense disagreement.

We have a tense disagreement here.

He ran quickly along the road and hide.

It should be hid because this is beginning in the past tense, so we would expect the tenses to match that.

So great job if you picked up on that.

Okay, we are now going to move on to look at punctuation.

So our very first discussion question is as follows.

So why is it important to vary the punctuation in our work? So once again, pause the video, have a quick discussion, and push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, great job if you identified anything similar to what is on the board now.

So using varied punctuation is important because it adds depth and emotion to your writing, keeping readers engaged and conveying your intended tone effectively.

So quite a lot going on in that answer.

But it's all about adding this kind of element of variety to make our writing as engaging as possible, and also using different pieces of punctuation at different times.

That can absolutely alter our tone.

So well done if you picked up on anything similar to that.

Again, so what are some examples of sophisticated punctuation? So using those kind of elements of punctuation beyond the kind of basic everyday ones that can really add some variety to our pieces of writing.

So pause the video, have a quick discussion, and push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, great job if you identified any of the following.

So we would absolutely consider semicolons, colons, exclamation marks, and dashes to be examples of sophisticated punctuation.

So well done if you picked up on any of those.

Okay, so another quick discussion task for you, then.

So exactly the same as before.

What we've got here is a short piece of student work set in a dystopia.

And it is as follows.

"The city lay in ruins, its buildings reduced to rubble.

The sky, a constant, foreboding grey, cast an unrelenting pall over the landscape.

She wandered the streets and counted her meagre possessions: a ragged blanket, two matches, and a half-empty water bottle." So my task for you is as follows.

How can this description add more sophisticated punctuation? So where could any of these pieces of sophisticated punctuation go? And could they be substituted in for some of the pieces of punctuation that are in there already? So have a quick go at the task.

And when you'd like to see some feedback, do push play.

Okay, great job on that task.

And I'll be super impressed if anyone was able to do the following.

So we've got a couple of different things that are going on here.

So we have changed the first sentence.

We've added a semicolon instead of the comma.

So the city lane ruins; its buildings reduced to rubble.

So we are able to do that because both clauses still make sense on their own.

And again, we've got this second bit here.

The sky, a constant, foreboding grey.

We've been able to add dashes there, because in this context, the constant, foreboding grey is just adding a little bit more detail about the sky.

And of course, the sentence still makes sense without it.

And finally, we've got this idea of a colon.

We've got the idea that the ragged blanket, the two matches, and a half-empty water bottle are effectively listing.

And we know that we can do that once we've used a colon in our piece of writing.

So well done if you identified any of those, great job.

Our second check for understanding is as follows, then, so true or false.

It is important to vary the punctuation in my written work.

True or false.

Pause the video, have a go, and push play when you'd like to continue.

Well done if you identified it as true.

So let's add a little bit more complexity to this by trying to justify our answer.

So how will we justify that answer? Is it A, "Varied punctuation keeps readers engaged by adding depth and emotion to writing"? Or is it B, "The best written descriptions are usually those with lots of different punctuation types within them"? Once again, pause the video, have a go, and then do push play when you'd like to continue.

Great job if you identified it as A.

Varied punctuation keeps our readers engaged by adding depth and emotion to our writing.

So well done if you were able to identify that.

Okay, our final part of learning cycle one is as follows.

We are going to focus on spelling.

So discussion question for you, then, please.

What are some strategies that you use to ensure you spell words correctly? Pause the video, have a quick discussion, and then do push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, some really nice discussions taking place in the classroom there, where people are talking about their own personal experiences with spelling, and the things that they do to make sure words are spelled correctly.

Some examples I've got on the board for you are as follows.

So we've got proofreading.

So you know, reading through your work once you've completed it to spot any mistakes.

Learning common spelling rules.

For example, a U usually follows a Q, for example.

Of course, to use dictionaries particularly for those more challenging words.

And also to be careful with homophones.

So words that sound identical but are spelled differently in different contexts.

So hear and here is a classic example of that.

So well done if you picked up on any of those strategies in your own pieces of writing.

So once again, then, we have a little bit of a student piece of dystopian writing and a little bit of a task.

So the piece of writing is as follows.

"Amid the chaos, the city's infrastructure crumbled, leaving its inhabitants in despair.

The streets were lined with rubble and decay.

People now scavenged for even the most basic necessities, their families relying on them for survival." So a quick proofreading task for you, then.

So what I would like you to do is to proofread the description above.

What mistakes has the student made in this piece of writing? What particular spelling mistakes have been made here? So pause the video, have a quick discussion, or complete the task.

And then we will see some answers shortly.

Some really nice work on that, and great job if you identified any of the following.

So we've got the word rubble.

We've got the word scavenged, and we've got the word there are all incorrect.

So rubble and scavenged have been spelled incorrectly, and there is the incorrect use of their.

So well done if you were able to identify that.

And then we've got the correct versions there.

Correct versions of rubble, correct versions of scavenged, and the correct use of their.

Okay, so a very quick check for understanding, then, please.

So proofreading is a vital skill in any writing process.

Pause the video, have a go, and push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, great job if you identified it as true.

It is absolutely true.

So let's try and add a bit more complexity to this by justifying our answer.

So how would we justify that answer? Is it A, "Proofreading will ensure that your work is accurate and spelling errors are minimised"? Or is it B, "Proofreading will allow you to immediately identify weaker elements of your story that need improving"? Once again, pause the video, have a quick go at the task, and then push play when you'd like to see the correct answer.

Okay, nice work if you identified it as A.

"Proofreading will ensure that your work is accurate and spelling errors are minimised." It isn't really B.

We're not trying to identify weaker elements, really.

And that will be part of the editing process, not necessarily part of the proofreading process.

Well done if you were able to get that one correct.

Okay, so we have reached the first practise task of today's lesson, and it is all about looking at those things we have studied so far.

So spelling errors, grammatical errors, and punctuation errors.

So your task is as follows.

So you have an example student paragraph below that contains two of each of the following.

So it contains two spelling errors, two grammatical errors, and two punctuation errors.

What I would like you to do is to identify these mistakes in the piece of writing and to rewrite the paragraph to correct them.

So a really challenging task.

And I'm really looking forward to seeing how you get on with this.

So do pause the video, and then push play when you would like to see some feedback to this task.

Okay, great job in what is a really challenging way to end learning cycle one.

So I'd be super impressed if you picked up on any of the following errors.

So these are the different errors in this piece of student writing.

So well done if you picked up on any of those.

These are all examples of spelling errors, grammatical errors, and punctuation errors.

And the correct versions of them are as follows.

So great job on that learning cycle.

Well done on that practise task.

And now let's move on to learning cycle two.

Okay, great work on learning cycle one.

And we have now moved onto our second and final learning cycle, which is all about using feedback to improve our writing.

So let's get started.

Okay, so when giving feedback to work, you'll usually receive two separate things: a WWW, which is a what went well, and an EBI, which is an even better if.

So my question for you, then, is, why is feedback given in this way? So pause the video, have a quick discussion, and then do push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, some really nice discussions taking place, particularly around the EBI.

So giving people specific ways in which they can improve their work is a really great use of feedback, so well done if you picked up on that.

Okay, so what we would say when giving feedback.

The very best feedback is the following things.

So it is clear, it is specific, and it is given to directly improve the work.

So those are the three things we usually aim for when giving feedback.

Okay, so we are going to practise giving specific feedback to pieces of writing based on the following areas.

So firstly, we've got varying sentence length, subordinate clauses and fragments, creating atmosphere, similes, personification and metaphor, declarative, exclamatory and interrogative sentences, sophisticated punctuation, and semantic fields and juxtaposition.

And the reason we're focusing on these is because these are really kind of quick ways to improve your dystopian creative writing.

So my question for you is as follows.

So what might a good target look like that references one of the above.

Pause the video, have a quick discussion, and then do push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, some really nice discussions taking place across the classroom, and well done to all of you who are kind of referencing potentially targets you've been given yourselves or targets you've given to others that would match that criteria.

So well done.

We've got an example on the board of what that might look like.

So a really nice, clear, specific target could be as follows.

Develop your theme of inequality further by including a semantic field of deprivation.

So a really nice, clear, and specific target.

Okay, a quick check for understanding, then, please.

So which of the two words below best describe the best feedback? Is it clear, specific, detailed, or general? Pause the video, have a quick go, and then push play when you'd like to continue.

Okay, nice work if you identified it as clear and specific.

The very best feedback is clear, and it is specific.

Well done if you picked up on that.

Okay, so we are going to have a look now at how this might work in action in relation to students' work on dystopias.

So we have an example opening from Lucas here, and it is as follows.

"They were in the dimly lit underground tunnels, and Sarah navigated through the labyrinth beneath the city.

Her breaths were shallow and rapid.

The world above was a barren wasteland.

The streets were desolate and filled with toxic air.

Survival was a daily struggle, but she clung to the hope of finding her family.

This was her only motivation." So a nice opening from Lucas there.

So let's look at how that could potentially have received some feedback.

So we have got the following things.

So what went well? So what do we think went well here? I would say that Lucas uses really good dystopian vocabulary.

You know, he's got words like barren and struggle and toxic, which all kind of allude to the conventions of a dystopia.

So that's really, really nice.

Again, Lucas also includes good dystopian conventions.

So he clearly is setting his story in a bleak setting, which is a really nice use of a dystopian setting.

However, if we wanted to give Lucas a target for next time, we might say something like this.

We might ask him to vary his sentence length to include complex sentences.

So currently, Lucas does not use any complex sentences in his work, and that would be a really nice way just to add to that variety.

And again, we could ask him to add an adverb to the start of his sentences to reduce reliance on the.

So a lot of the sentences begin with the.

So that would be a really quick win and a really nice target for Lucas to work on.

So if Lucas was able to work on that, his work might, then, look something like this.

We've got that complex sentence added in there, and we've got an adverbial start as well and more variation at the start of his sentences.

So a really nice way to get Lucas to improve his work.

So let's take a look at another piece of dystopian writing.

This time it is Sofia's piece of writing from her dystopian story.

And it goes as follows.

"High above the city's bright spires, the privileged elite relaxed in luxury, their rich lifestyles a stark contrast to the grim existence of those in the dark depths below.

In this society, a rigid caste system reigned, with the rich few enjoying excess while the impoverished many struggled to make ends meet.

The inequality was noticeable, a constant reminder of the bad realities that defined their world." So a really nice piece of writing there from Sofia.

So what I would like you to do now is to think about how we would give this feedback.

So pause the video, think about the what went wells, and think about the EBIs.

And then do push play when you'd like to see some examples.

Okay, really nice discussions taking place.

And when I was doing this task, I kind of picked on the following things of Sofia's writing, which I thought were particularly good.

So Sofia uses juxtaposition really well to show inequality in a dystopian society.

She really shows that disparity between the rich and the poor.

And again, Sofia uses complex, compound, and simple sentences to create an engaging descriptive piece.

So throughout this piece of writing, Sofia is varying her sentence length, which is really, really nice.

In terms of an EBI, I kind of identified the following.

So I would ask Sofia to potentially amend adjectives, so they are more sophisticated and relevant to a dystopia.

And again, I might ask her to add a semantic field of misery to emphasise the inequality further.

So two little things that could really make Sofia's piece of dystopian writing just a little bit better.

And with those targets, Sofia would be able to do the following.

So we've got that semantic field of misery.

So misery, deprivation, famine, disease.

And we've also got a change in adjectives to better match the theme of dystopia.

So well done if you picked up on anything similar in Sofia's work.

Okay, so we have now moved on to our final practise task of today's lesson, and it is as follows.

So we have a piece of writing here from Alex.

And the piece of writing is as follows.

"The deafening roar of gunfire and explosions filled the air as John sprinted through the war-torn city.

Crumbling buildings and debris blocked his path, but he couldn't stop.

The dystopian regime's enforcers were closing in, and his mission to deliver crucial information to the resistance was a matter of life and death." So a really nice piece of kind of an action sequence from a dystopia.

So Alex was given the following targets for his dystopian description, and they were as follows.

Firstly, add an exclamatory sentence to develop your character.

And secondly, improve the description of the city by using simile and personification.

So what I would like you to do, then, is to rewrite his paragraph to directly respond to the teacher feedback given.

So have a go at the task, and then do push play when you'd like to see some feedback.

Okay, great job on that task.

A really challenging task.

You know, it's never easy to take somebody else's work and to try it and improve it.

So I'm super impressed by all of your hard work on this.

So we could have improved Alex's paragraph in the following ways.

So we may have amended it to the following.

"The deafening roar of gunfire and explosions filled the air as John sprinted through the war-torn city.

'We need to find cover!' he yelled amongst the chaos, but his words were swallowed by the immense city.

Crumbling buildings and debris blocked his path like ancient guardians unwilling to yield to the relentless march of destruction, but he couldn't stop.

The dystopian regime's enforcers were closing in, and his mission to deliver crucial information to the resistance was a matter of life and death." So don't worry if you haven't done anything exactly like that.

As long as you've responded to those feedback targets, you've done a great job, so well done.

Okay, so we have now reached the end of our lesson.

So I've been super impressed by everything you've been able to do and achieve in today's lesson.

So let's take a quick recap of everything that we have learned.

So firstly, sentence level accuracy includes spelling, punctuation, sentence structures, syntax and fluency.

Rewriting a section of your descriptive writing is important as it shows a good understanding of the feedback.

It is important to understand where a mistake is, so that it can be avoided in the next piece of descriptive writing.

Super job on everything you've been able to achieve today.

Really well done, and I look forward to teaching you on other lessons in this sequence.

Goodbye.