Hello, my name is Ms. Grant.

I'm so glad you've decided to learn with me today.

We're in our World at War: short stories unit.

Today we are going to look at some fantastic people writing where they've imagined that they're a soldier, writing from the trenches of World War I.

We're gonna celebrate what's really good about their work, but we're also gonna think how could this be improved? What techniques could I apply to refine this writing? I absolutely love the editing process.

It brings me such pleasure.

It's such an important skill to have as a student of English.

And I find whenever I look at a piece of writing and then I give it a rest and I come back to it, I always come with new ideas, new thoughts, and that is increased yet more.

When I look at the work of someone else, I can see all the brilliant ideas that they've got and I can think, "Well, how could I help them improve this even further?" I can't wait to hear all of your fantastic ideas.

I'm gonna be your support and guide as we work through today's lesson together.

Let's get started.

So, by the end of today's lesson, you are going to have refined or account letter by using a range of sentence length and fronted adverbials.

Now don't worry if you think, I'm not quite sure what either of those phrases mean, sentence lengths or fronted adverbials.

That is what we are going to go through in today's lesson.

So, our refining of the particular models that we look at today, it's gonna be really granular, really detailed.

We're gonna come out with a really thorough understanding or deepening our understanding of what fantastic writing looks like at sentence level.

There are some key words which are going to be referenced throughout today's lesson, and they're gonna help us achieve our objective.

And they are rhythm, which is the beat, flow or pattern of a piece of music or writing.

Now, you might be used to seeing this word applied to music, but you can also apply it to writing.

We're gonna think, how can I get a really good rhythm in my writing today? Recount, which is to describe something that happened to tell its story.

And we're going to look at some examples of imaginative recounts that some pupils have written and then you are going to improve them.

Tension, this is the mental strain a reader's put under, because of their suspicion that something bad is about to happen.

And creating tension is something that writers often want to do in their work.

Fronted adverbials, these are words or phrases at the beginning of a sentence would describe the action that follow.

And this is part of the grammar instruction that we're going to look at today.

How can we include fronted adverbials? What do they look like? Variety, which is a range of different forms, types of things.

And we're going to be looking for a variety of sentence types in today's lesson.

And that's gonna be the focus of our first learning cycle.

So, these are our key words that are gonna be referenced and are gonna help us achieve our objective.

Our lesson outline for today, we're gonna start off by looking at what does it mean to create rhythm in writing? And then in our final learning cycle, we are going to look at fronted adverbials.

So, let's start off with creating rhythm.

Pupils wrote a recount letter in response to this prompt.

Imagine you're a soldier in the trenches of World War I, and you are writing to a loved one about a particular experience you had.

Today you're going to evaluate and improve their responses.

So, here's one paragraph of Jun's recount letter.

I heard a remarkable sound.

It was a melody of bird song, started quietly, then there was a chorus of birds.

I wept at the purity of their song.

I looked up at the sky, the birds soared above.

They seemed to look down on me.

I wonder what they thought.

They could see a habitat destroyed.

They could see lamb churned up.

I envied those birds.

I know they did not envy us.

So, a nice powerful bit of writing there from Jun.

Now, Sam has a what went well and an EBI.

She says, "I love your vocabulary." And she's picked out some particular examples, remarkable, melody, purity, sword, habitat, churned, envied, envy.

And I agree those are really powerful bits of vocabulary.

But her EBI is your writing lacks rhythm.

The sentence lengths and types are not varied.

Instead, they range from four to seven words.

So, this is an example of some really good feedback, very specific.

I love your vocabulary and here are the examples of the powerful words.

And then the EBI, she's actually counted the number of words in each sentence.

Said, well, there's actually not a variety of sentence types and sentence types here.

It's not varied.

So, therefore there is no rhythm.

And you might have been able to hear that when I was reading out at this paragraph.

You might have thought, "Wow, what amazing vocabulary." But you might have thought there's something here that doesn't quite work.

And it is the rhythm, the rhythm of that writing doesn't quite work yet.

So, there are two main ways to create rhythm in writing.

And the first is vary your sentence length and structure.

And the second is to use a variety of punctuation for effect.

Now, crafting rhythm is just as important as word choice.

So, we often have a focus on word choice.

What vocabulary do I want to use? What metaphors do I want to use with alliteration, et cetera.

But actually crafting rhythm is just as important as word choice.

And a writing's rhythm creates energy, pace and tension.

It engages the reader and it draws our attention to certain things.

So, it's a very powerful tool, being able to create rhythm in writing.

I'd like if you can consider John's redraft of a section of his paragraphs.

So, his first draught, let's just look at these couple of sentences.

"I wonder what they, the birds, thought.

"They could see a habitat destroyed.

"They could see land churned up." And his redact in response to Sam's feedback is this.

What can they have thought to see a habitat so destroyed? So churned up, strewn with bullets, men and destroyed dreams. I'd like you to discuss how has John created energy, pace and tension and what has he drawn our attention to? Pause a video and discuss this question now, a really lovely discussion.

They careful, thoughtful, really picking apart the first draught and the redraft.

So, lots of people drew attention to the fact that Jun has used a question now.

What can they have thought? And this creates a kind of moments pause in his writing.

And that pause is really important because then we have this long sentence to see a habitat so destroyed, so churned up, strewn with bullets, men and destroyed dreams. And it starts to create the idea of the chaos of no man's land, of the trenches.

And that's exactly what John wants to convey in his writing.

So, it draws attention to that chaos in a way that they could see a ha habitat destroyed, full stop.

They could see a land churned up, doesn't quite yet do it, even though it's got some nice vocabulary in there.

The longer sentence in contrast to that question, really draws attention to the chaos of the landscape.

So, a check for understanding, before we move on to redrafting the whole of Jun's piece, just as he did earlier.

So, which pupil has created rhythm in their writing? We've got Aisha and we've got Sophia.

They both got an example.

This is the opening section of their recount letter.

And which pupil do you think has best created rhythm in their writing? You'll need to read through both and then carefully consider which has the best rhythm.

Pause the video and complete this check for understanding now.

Well done.

We're really carefully considering, both of those pieces of writing and well done if you selected Sophia.

Sophia has got the best rhythm in her writing.

Let's have a look at the difference, between these two paragraphs.

So, like John Sophia has used a question, can it really only be three weeks since I last saw you? And that question mark is quite a long pause.

It creates quite a long pause in writing and so that question really, really lands her kind of incredulity, her lack of belief in can it only be three weeks given what they have experienced? It feels a lifetime, full stop, sharp, short, snappy.

I have all the letters you have sent me, packed tightly, closely, carefully next to my heart.

So, there's a real focus on the letters there and their importance, feel their weight whenever I move, the gentle rustle of the paper reminds me of the soft sounds of home, a moment of respite from the batter of shells.

So again, this focus, this elongated sentence where the focus is on the letters and the sound they make.

If we have a look at Aisha's, there's some nice writing in here.

I went over the top yesterday, that's a soldier's term.

Everyone said I should be scared of that phrase.

I wasn't until now.

Going over the top was the most brutal experience of my life.

I can't believe I survived it.

Can't believe I'll have to do it again.

Don't want to but fear is punishable here.

Some really lovely writing there, like Jun some really powerful vocabulary and some really powerful ideas about what it means to be a soldier and what fear means in the trenches.

But almost every sentence is a simple sentence with a full stop.

So that short, snappy sentences, they don't always land, don't always have their full effect, because there's no contrast between these longer sentences.

So, Aisha could keep all of that amazing content and just make a few changes to punctuation.

And that would make her writing even stronger, because it would create rhythm in her writing.

So practise task, we're now gonna rewrite and improve the whole of Jun's response, using Sam's feedback.

I remember the feedback was your writing lacks rhythm.

The sentence lengths and types are not varied, and we've looked at various ways in which you can create rhythm, those longer sentences and contrast to the shorter sentences and crucially that tie control of punctuation.

So, I'd like you to give this editing, this redrafting, this improving the time that it deserves.

Get your pen and your laptop, whatever it is that you are writing on and apply yourself to thinking, I've got a really fantastic base here with Jun's fantastic paragraph, but I can make it even stronger by developing its rhythm.

Pause a video and complete this task now.

Welcome back.

It was lovely to see people, so thoughtfully thinking about a writings rhythm and therefore showing that they know it's just as important as word choice.

Let's do some feedback and celebrate some of your redrafting.

So, here is Jun's redraft and this is what he wrote.

He wrote, "At dawn, I heard a remarkable sound, "the melody of bird song.

"It started quietly, but soon there was a chorus "and I wept at the purity of their song.

"My neck, which bent downwards "as I stared fixedly at the mud, unfurled "and gazed at the sky.

"And the birds who sawed above seemed to look down at me, "what can they have thought? "To see a habitat so destroyed, so churned up, "strewn with bullets, men and destroyed dreams. "I envy those birds.

"I know they did not envy us." So, all that content is still there, but a few key changes to make that writing even stronger.

So Jun said, "I'm pleased with the rhythm, "like my long sentences, "which dwell on the soldiers' movement or the land.

"I also used a variety of punctuation.

"I think this worked particularly well "when slowing the pace down." And he selected just a few places where he slowed that pace down with a question and then I envied those birds, full stop.

I know they did not envy us.

So, I would like you to read your work aloud and I really, really encourage you to do this, because it makes it much easier to hear the rhythm.

It also makes it much easier to notice any corrections that you want to make.

Reading your work aloud is always a really powerful way to edit.

So read that work aloud, hear that rhythm and then discuss like John, how you create a rhythm.

Pause a video and complete these two tasks now.

Welcome back.

It was lovely to hear that buzz, hear all of you reading out those paragraphs, making any small changes that you wanted to.

And in crucially being able to discuss where have I got that rhythm? Or I particularly like the short snappy sentence.

I particularly like this elongated sentence.

Here I used a colon, semicolon, a question mark in order to slow down my writing.

So really, really powerful staff.

Really great to see that editing, really bear fruit fortune's paragraph.

So, let's move on to learning cycle two.

We're going to look at fronted adverbials.

So, fronted adverbials are words or phrases at the beginning of a sentence which describe the action that follows.

So, Jun used one in his paragraph, in his redraft, he said, "At dawn I heard a remarkable sound, "the melody of bird song." So at dawn, that is a fronted adverbial.

It describes the action that follows.

It tells us when it happened.

Fronted adverbials have two main functions.

They can help organise your writing, say when, where or how something happened.

And they create tension as the reader has to wait to find out what happens.

Now, Jun's example does both.

It tells us when it happened at dawn, but it also creates tension because I want to know, well, what happened at dawn? And then the sentence continues and I heard a remarkable sound, the melody of birdsong.

So, Jun's example that fronted adverbial, it does both.

Now Wilfred Owen, is a master of fronted adverbials.

So, Wilfred Owen famous for his poetry about World War I for his brutal depiction of the horror of trench warfare.

Now, he's a master of fronted adverbials.

Now consider the section of one of his poems, about a gas attack.

At this point in the poem, the speaker sees someone die from the effects of gas.

Dim through the misty panes and thick green light as under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight, he plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

Now, this fronted adv proverbial this first one.

This ends one of the standards of the poem, dims through the misty pains and thick green light as under a green sea.

This fronted adverbials creates tension.

We wait to see what happens to the soldier.

We have to wait quite a long time.

It's dim through the misty pains.

There's thick green light under a green seat.

What is happening in this moment in the poem? And then we get that final independent clause at the end.

I saw him drowning.

So, it does create tension as we wait for this revelation at the end of the sentence.

Now, if we look at the second one.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight, again, this fronted adverbial also creates tension, but it also links the two standards together.

So, we want to know what happens in all of the speaker's dreams before his helpless sight.

We have to wait.

And then we realise this horrible revelation that in his dreams, this man who died, the soldier who he saw died, he plunges at him in his dreams. But it does also link these two stanzas together.

So, we see that and earlier in the stanza, earlier in the poem, soldier dies.

And then that linking well after this soldier's death.

This is what happened.

My dreams were invaded by memories of this soldier dying.

So, it has two functions there, that fronted adverbial.

Now, Owen also uses fronted adverbials in his 1917 letter to his mother, in which he accounts a particularly horrifying event that he experienced.

So, we know that Owen wrote lots of poetry, but he also wrote lots of letters and he wrote lots of letters to his mother who he was particularly close to.

Now for example, he gives details about the trench.

So one entrance had been blown in and blocked.

This is one entrance of the trench so far, the other remained.

Now, I'd like you to discuss what do you think the effect is of this fronted adverbial in his letter.

One entrance had been blown and blocked.

The fronted adverbial is so far the other remained.

Pause the video and discuss this question now.

Welcome back.

A really lovely discussion there about this tiny phrase, so far, comma, but actually does a lot of work in Owen's letter.

Absolutely it creates tension because we think, "Well, if one entrance has been blown in and blocked "and only so far, the other remained," there's an idea that this second entrance, the second vital entrance, might also be blown in and blocked.

So, we know this is a piece of nonfiction, but Owen is trying to convey, I think here to his mother, look, I was scared.

I was scared that the other entrance, might be blown in and blocked.

And there was a chance that that could happen.

And he conveys that through this very short phrase, so far, the other remained.

Now two pupils.

See, okay, we've learned what fronted adverbials are, and we've seen examples from Jun.

We've also seen examples from at Wilfred Owen.

Let's have a go at using fronted proverbial in my own recount letter.

And we've got Aisha.

She says, exhausted, hungry and half mad with shelling, we dragged ourselves back to the safety of the trench.

And Sophia says, following the bombardment, we crawled back through the barbed wire of no man's land.

I'd like you to discuss which do you feel is more powerful and why, pause the video and discuss this question now, a lovely discussion there, about these students use of fronted adverbials.

Now, lots of people said, look, Aisha's does seem stronger.

We've got exhausted, hungry and half mad with the shelling that is incredibly atmospheric.

It really conveys how these soldiers dragged themselves back to the safety of the trench.

That really adds something to that verb dragged.

But others saying, "Well, Sophia, not all of the letter can be full "of atmospheric details." Sometimes we need to give some clarity to the reader.

So, following the bombardment, it is an accurate use of a fronted adverbial.

And maybe that is useful at this particular point in Sophia's letter.

So, what I really like about the discussion is you're starting to think about, "Well, Aisha and Sophia, "they chose these particular fronted adverbials "at this particular point." And writing is all about choice and thinking, "What am I going to choose to write to craft "at this particular moment?" So, whilst there was some really powerful language in Aisha's, and we definitely, definitely should celebrate, it really depends at what point she wants to bring in that fronted adverbial and Sophia's slightly more to the point, following the bombardment could be particularly useful in her recount letter.

So, the key thing to take away here is the idea of choice and you should be choosing, carefully choosing when you want to use your fronted adverbials and how.

Now, the examples we looked at, show there are a range of ways to include fronted adverbials.

We looked at so many different ways to include fronted adverbials.

What they have in common is the punctuation though.

So, if we look at this first example from Owen, dim through the misty pains and thick green light as under a green sea, comma, I saw him drowning.

Use a comma to separate the fronted adverbials from the independent clause.

So, the independent clause section of the sentence that makes sense by itself, I saw him drowning.

Definitely makes sense by itself.

We've got a subject I and we've got a verb, a main verb.

So, and so that is the independent clause and it is separated from the fronted adverbials by a comma.

Let's look at the next example.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight, he plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

So again, we have that comma to separate the fronted adverbials from the main claws, he plunges at me.

If we look at Jun's example at dawn comma, I heard a remarkable sound, the melody of bird song.

So, I heard a remarkable sound, that is that independent claws.

And at dawn is the fronted adverbial separated by a comma.

Aisha's example, exhausted, hungry and half mad with the shelling comma, we dragged ourselves back to the safety of the trench.

We dragged ourselves back to the safety of the trench.

That is the independent clause.

We've got subject, we, verb dragged, main verb dragged.

And that is separated from the fronted aerial with a comma.

And finally following the bombardment, comma, we crawl back through the barbed wire of no man's land.

We crawled, that is the subject and the main verb.

And then we've got that fronted adverbial, following the bombardment separated by a comma.

So, lots of different ways to include fronted adverbials, but what they have in common is the punctuation that comma, separating the fronted adverbials from the independent clause.

Now, check for understanding, before we go into creating our own fronted adverbials, which uses a fronted adverbial correctly.

A, desperate for shelter, I rolled into a shellhole.

B, desperate for shelter, I rolled into a shellhole, or C, I rolled into a shellhole, desperate for shelter.

Pause the video and select your response now.

Well done if you selected B, desperate for shelter, comma, I rolled into into a shellhole.

So, we've got that fronted adverbial there, desperate shelter.

That is what they did is they rolled into that shellhole.

C is has not got a fronted adverbials, because we start off with the independent clause.

I rolled into a shellhole and A needs a comma between the word shelter and I, in order for the punctuation to be correct.

Another check for understanding, this one a little bit harder.

So, here's a sentence from a pupil's recount letter.

Redraft it so that it includes a fronted adverbial.

So, I tried to orientate myself in the darkness.

Lovely sentence there.

But I would like you to include a fronted adverbial in that sentence, pause the video and complete this check for understanding now.

Welcome back, lovely to see people applying all that knowledge from earlier in this landing cycle to a sentence here, I tried to orientate myself in the darkness.

Now here is Sophia's example.

She wrote lifting my head from the dank, soft mud, I tried to orientate myself in the darkness.

She got a fronted adverbial, lifting my head from the dank, softer mud.

And she's got a correct comma.

She has comma after mud.

I would like you to identify where you have met the checklist in your own sentence, where you've included a fronted adverbial.

Pause a video and identify where you've met the checklist now.

Beautiful to see people underlining or noting where they've got that fronted adverbial, a few people adding in that comma that is part of the writing process, that editing.

So, well done for doing it at that point.

And now we've got a beautiful sentence where we've got a fronted adverbial, before the independent clause.

Now, I'd like you to continue Jun's recount letter.

We had this lovely paragraph that he wrote and then we improved it by altering, adding to creating that rhythm.

And I'd like you to write two more paragraphs.

Now, you do not need to use fronted adverbials in every single sentence, but I would like you to use at least two fronted adverbials.

So, we're gonna continue Jun's letter.

We're gonna have a real focus on those fronted adverbials.

Choose wisely where you want to include them.

As I say, it doesn't need to be every sentence.

Pause the video, grab your pen, your laptop, whatever it is you're writing on.

Have that at first improve paragraph in front of you and continue the letter.

Pause the video and complete the task now.

Welcome back, what beautiful recount letters have in front of me with some amazing rhythm.

So, really carrying me along in these paragraphs, making me pause where you want me to pause, making me dwell on certain things, creating pace, creating tension.

And then these fronted adverbials, these fronted adverbial, which locate me in a particular place or tell me something about how the verb was done.

But also just like Owen creates tension, just like we looked at the examples from Aisha and from Sophia.

This tension is created within these sentences with those fronted adverbials.

So, I'd like you to consider Sophia's earlier example, lifting my head from the dank, soft mud, comma, I tried to orientate myself in the darkness and we know she's got fronted adverbial there and we know she has her correct comma.

So, in your paragraphs that you have written to continue Jun's recant letter, I'd like you to identify where your fronted adverbial are.

Just ensure that they meet that checklist.

Pause the video and complete the self assessment now.

Welcome back.

Lovely to see people not just reading through and looking for those fronted adverbials, but actually checking all of those paragraphs, making sure that punctuation, that rhythm is there.

And then some really clear self-assessment with those sentences with those fronted adverbials, making sure the comment is in the correct place.

And just ensuring that those fronted adverbials, really add something attention to the sentence where you've included them.

You've now got three amazing paragraphs of these recount letters where you've got fantastic rhythm and included fronted adverbials accurately.

In summary, rhythm is the beat, flow or pattern of a piece of musical writing.

Writer's great rhythm by using a variety of sentence types and punctuation.

Fronted adverbial are words or phrases at the beginning of a sentence which describe the action that follows.

Fronted adverbials can help organise writing by explaining how, when or why something happens.

Fronted adverbials can help create tension.

It has been such a pleasure to review and refine some writing with you today and I look forward to seeing you next time.