Hello and welcome to the lesson.

Thank you for joining me today.

I'm Mrs. Butterworth, and I'll be guiding you through the learning.

Now, today's lesson is all about refining and improving essays.

Now, I'm sure for some of you, this does not sound like a lot of fun.

You just want to write your essay and forget about it.

However, using those essays and thinking about how you can improve and rewrite them not only helps the essay that you have done but also future responses.

I promise, it's such a useful thing to do.

So by the end of this lesson, hopefully you'll have lots of strategies and lots of ideas of how to improve your essay, but also how to use that for future responses.

So shall we get started? So by the end of the lesson, you will have created and used specific feedback to improve your essay.

So before we delve into the lesson, let's look at the keywords that are going to help our understanding.

These are establish, elevate, cohesive, and sustain.

So establish means to set up, create, or introduce.

So you establish something.

Elevate, so if you are elevating something, you are making it higher.

In the case of writing, making it better.

So today, we are focusing on elevating our written responses using specific strategies.

Now, the word cohesive.

So in writing your structure is cohesive if it has a clear introduction, middle, and conclusion.

So a cohesive structure means it's easy to follow, it makes sense, and it has that clear introduction, middle, and conclusion.

And if you in.

And the word sustain in writing means to effectively develop and continue to build on ideas.

So you may hear people talk about sustaining an idea for an essay, so that means you start an idea in the introduction, and you are able to sustain, develop the argument through that response.

So the outline of our lesson looks like this.

We're going to begin by creating feedback for essays.

So thinking about a success criteria and creating a checklist.

And then we're going to think about how we can then use this feedback to rewrite our essays and make them even better.

So let's start by creating feedback for essays.

So before we begin, I just want us to think about what you do when you finish an essay.

Now be honest, what do you do? So I'd like you to pause the video and discuss.

After you have finished an essay, what do you do? Pause the video now.

There were some very telling answers happening there, and you know, I'm not surprised that some of you just want to put it aside and never look at it again, but let's see what our other people say because hopefully we can sort of start to convince you that re-looking at your essays is a fantastic idea.

So yet some of you said, "Try and forget about it and just wait to see if it's good or bad." Yeah, you just wanna get your feedback and know if it's good or bad.

Aisha says that she looks at feedback and try and remember to do this next time, and that's not a bad thing to do actually like remembering those feedback points and then using them to improve an essay next time.

And here, Jacob says, "I use feedback but also look through myself and rewrite sections to make them even better." Well, that is fantastic, and I think that is the most ideal response in terms of using that feedback to actually improve an essay and make them even better.

So I just want to say that writing an essay itself can feel really daunting.

I understand that.

But the more feedback you get, the easier you will find it, I promise.

So actually spending some time reading any feedback will just really help you to improve those essays.

And I know it's daunting, but we can do this.

And making sure that you look at that specific feedback is a really great habit to get into.

So no more just writing those essays and forgetting about them.

And being able to reread and improve your essays independently is a really useful skill to practise.

And this is what we're going to think about today, so how we can independently reread and improve our essays.

So if we think about a developed and cohesive essay, this will do the following.

It will establish a clear argument.

It will build on a thesis, so it will build an argument further.

And then, it will also sustain an argument.

But how do you know if you've done this? So looking through your essay, what would tell you that you have a cohesive response? So if you've established a clear argument, you will have included an introduction, and your introduction will also contain that all important thesis.

And then in the building part, have you included topic sentences that link to your thesis? So is there a sense that everything is building from that introduction? And have you included main and supporting quotes to build on your thesis? And then have you sustained your arguments? You'll need to look for things like have you explored different parts of the text? Have you analysed methods and considered the writer's intentions, and have you included context? So all of these things will help you to see if your essay is cohesive, well-written and includes all the things that it needs to.

So let's see what you remember.

To establish your argument, you should have A, B, or C.

Absolutely, there were two there, an effective introduction and a clear thesis.

So a bit tricky that one 'cause there are actually two points there.

So you need to make sure you have an effective introduction and a clear thesis when you are checking your work.

Now, we have established what makes a developed and cohesive essay.

We can use this information to create a checklist.

So now, I want you to think, what elements should be on a checklist in order to help you assess your essay? So pause the video, you've got plenty of time to discuss this, or you could just jot some ideas down or think quietly to yourself.

Okay, pause the video and off you go.

Okay, thank you, everybody.

Should we share some of those ideas and start constructing our checklist? Okay, so some of the things that you may have are that it includes an introduction with a thesis.

So yeah, this is a really important part of our essay.

So this should definitely be on our checklist.

Is there a continued focus on purpose and writer's attention? So little things like have you used the writer's name? Have you talked about why that writer has made particular choices? So in this case, it would be Edmundson.

Do you have topic sentences, and do they link to and develop the thesis? Do you have main and supporting quotes within your response? Is there an analysis of methods? Are there references to different parts of the text? And finally, does it include context? So there's a big checklist here and a lot of things that we need to consider when we are looking at our responses.

So now, we have thoughts about all of those things.

This will become your checklist to help you revise and elevate your responses.

So thank you for your contributions.

So let's look at the first part of Andeep's essay.

Thank you, Andeep, for volunteering your essay.

So it is based on the question, how does Edmundson explore the theme of hope? So this is what Andeep has written, "Edmundson's 'Small Island' was first performed in 2019 amidst the Windrush Scandal, making its impact culturally important.

Hortense and Gilbert are central characters.

Arguably, they are the best examples of the theme." So what I have done here is I have given you the most relevant parts of the checklist to see if he has it successfully established an argument.

So if you remember, our checklist was quite long, but I've just included the parts that will deal with the first part of a response.

So using this checklist, I would like you please to give Andeep a what went well and an even better if.

So pause the video, so you've got time to consider what Andeep has done well and what would be better.

Off you go.

Excellent.

Well done for using that checklist to create some really specific targets.

So let's look at the feedback.

So does Andeep use context? Actually, he does.

And it's really lovely that he refers to when the play was first performed, this idea of the Windrush Scandal, and how it's culturally important.

So he's absolutely used context there.

But he has included context, but his thesis is undeveloped and doesn't refer to the writer's intention.

So Hortense and Gilbert are central characters.

It's kind of stating the obvious.

It doesn't set up an argument.

It doesn't tell us anything specific.

And then arguably, they are the best examples of the theme.

It doesn't really say how.

It doesn't really set up what Edmundson is trying to do.

So it's not really specific enough in terms of the question.

So this is the what went well and the even better if that we have given Andeep from the checklist.

So what went well? Your introduction has included context.

So we've got that tick there.

But even better if you developed your thesis by linking to the writer's purpose and intention.

So you can see how you can use the checklist to really specifically check through your work and then generate specific targets and feedback.

Okay, so A, B, or C, which one of these is the most effective thesis? Off you go.

Yes, absolutely, C.

So let's read it through together, "Levy uses the character of Hortense to expose the exploitation of colonial ideologies in presenting unrealistic expectations of migration." Wow, what an amazing thesis.

So there's a link to the writer, so "Levy uses," so the writer is mentioned by name and her purpose is talked about as well.

So this idea that she wants to reveal the colonial ideologies and the expectations linked to these.

And also, it specifically talks about the character and what their purposes in the text.

So it's a really well-developed effective thesis.

So Alex begins to build his argument on the theme of hope.

So we've looked at the first part of an essay, we're now going to move on to the second part of an essay, so kind of the middle part.

So let's just read Alex's response, "Edmundson foregrounds Gilbert's experience of migration and the hope linked to the Mother Country.

Gilbert portrays an idealistic view of Britain in his description of a fairytale castle and his continued reference to opportunities.

However, we see the fragility of hope and expectations when the settings describe a grey, starkly realistic world." So again, I've given the relevant part of the checklist to match this part of the essay.

So it's a slightly shorter checklist.

So I want you to use this part of the checklist and discuss what went well and what would be even better if for Alex's response.

So use that checklist to generate that what went well and even better if.

So you'll need to pause the video now.

Okay, great.

So let's just feedback using the checklist.

So the topic sentence does link to and develop the thesis, "So Edmundson foregrounds Gilbert's experience of migration and the hope linked to the Mother Country." So there's a really key focus there.

We're thinking about Gilbert's experience of migration and this idea of hope in the question.

So it's really specific, and you can see how that topic sentence is going to help Alex develop his analysis.

And then Alex has used a lovely range of main and supporting quotes.

So we've got some longer quotes there, but we've also got some single word quotes to help bolster the argument, so excellent.

But what Alex has forgotten to do is he hasn't focused on the purpose and writer's intention.

So he doesn't talk about why Edmundson has made these choices, and there isn't really an analysis of methods.

So the effect of the language choices, the response to the language choices, so there isn't really that deep analysis or focus on the purpose and writer's intention.

So from this feedback, Alex is what went well and even better if becomes.

What went well, the topic sentence linked to thesis and a good use of main and supporting quotes, and it would be even better if you analysed methods linking to the writer's intention.

Okay, we're now gonna look at Sofia's response, and this comes from the middle towards the end of Sofia's essay.

So again, we're just gonna look at the relevant part of the checklist.

So let's read through her response together, "This is contrasted later on, where Edmundson reveals the betrayal of colonial ideologies in the description of Gilbert's room.

The stage directions describe a rat scurrying over the roof, which mirrors Gilbert's insertion into the relentless life of London.

The verb scurrying is perhaps used by Edmundson to represent the continued fight for opportunities that Gilbert faces." Wow, fantastic response, Sofia.

Thank you.

So again, using that checklist, I'd like you to discuss what feedback would you give Sofia, so you need to give her what went well and an even better if.

So pause the video so you've got plenty of time to reread that response again and refer to that checklist.

Okay, are we ready to go? Pause the video now.

Okay, so let's use that checklist to see where Sofia has met the criteria.

So she absolutely has focused on the purpose and the writer's intention because she's used Edmundson's name, "Edmundson reveals," and this is perhaps used by Edmundson.

And likewise, she's talked about the writer's intention.

So this mirrors Gilbert's insertion.

So there is an absolute focus on purpose and the writer's intention, which is fantastic.

There is definitely an analysis of methods because she references the stage directions, and she uses the term "the verb." So she's looking at those dramatic techniques as well as language choices as well.

Sofia uses the phrase, "this is contrasted later on," so this tells us that she is referencing different parts of the text.

So if you are using phrases like at the start, then later on, finally, it suggests to your reader that you are referencing different parts of the text, not just one scene or one paragraph.

You are using evidence and ideas from across the text.

And it includes context because it reveals a portrayal of colonial ideologies.

So it's very much linking to the contextual features that Levy and Edmundson are commenting on.

Now, we could say as a piece of feedback that actually perhaps Sofia could have benefited from some more quotes or more supporting quotes, although I do like her embedded use of the scurrying, but perhaps this is just something for her to think about.

So her what went well would be the analysis of methods links to purpose and context, you refer to different parts of the play, it really is a fantastic response, isn't it? And an even better is try using some supporting quotes to elevate your analysis.

So as Sofia goes on in her essay, she might want to think about using some further quotes just to develop our ideas even further.

But that was a really fantastic paragraph, wasn't it? Okay, true or false time.

When creating feedback, being vague is a useful way to create what went well and even better ifs, is that true or false? Absolutely, that's false.

And now, you need to pick A or B to justify your answer.

Yes, absolutely.

So using a checklist can help give specific feedback in order to focus on the parts that need improvement.

And I think that's a really key idea.

The feedback has to be specific.

It can't just be something like great job or write more.

It needs to be specific in order to help you to improve and rewrite your essays.

Okay, so now, it's over to you.

So what I would like you to do is I would like you to reread your own essays.

You can use the checklist to create your own feedback exactly like we have done for our pupils throughout the lesson.

And I would like you please to give yourself two what went wells and two even better ifs.

Okay, so two WWWs and two EBIs, okay? So pause the video and use that checklist to create some lovely specific feedback.

Off you go.

Okay, so let's just check that what we have done is correct.

So Aisha has used the checklist and given herself this what went well and even better if, so you can see here where she has made her ticks and where she has her crosses where she hasn't quite met the checklist.

So she has given herself this feedback, WWW: introduction is good, and the EBI: you wrote more.

Now the problem with this is despite using the checklist, the feedback is really vague, and it isn't specific enough.

So the introduction is good, doesn't really tell us what specifically went well, and you wrote more doesn't really help Aisha to navigate which way she needs to rewrite her essay.

So she's going to have another go for us, and she comes up with this.

So what went well, there was a good introduction with a thesis statement.

Quotes have been analysed including writer's methods and intentions.

Great.

And her even better if is sustained your argument using quotes from different parts of the text and included context.

So you can see how Aisha has now just used the words from the checklist to generate that feedback, making it really specific and helpful.

Now, it's time for you to check your own feedback, make sure it's specific, and will help you to elevate your response.

Okay, we're onto the second part of our lesson, which is all about using that lovely feedback to rewrite essays.

Okay, so we're going to look at Jun's response.

So let's look at his response.

It says, "Queenie's baby is described as floating, showing the uncertainty of its future.

It is left up to the audience to change their actions to ensure that the future is better than the past." Now, Jun has been given this feedback.

It will be even better if your topic sentence developed your thesis and linked to the writer's intention.

So I'd like you to discuss what help, what specific help could we give Jun to help him rewrite this section? Pause the video so you can discuss your ideas.

Off you go.

Okay, so some excellent suggestions there.

So something that came up was this idea of developing sentences is by using a complex sentence with a fronted subordinate clause.

So things like through the symbolism of, or like the character, and it just helps to make your sentence construction really specific and also develop and introduce ideas.

So we can see here that Jun's changed his response and used that, "Through the symbolism of Queenie's baby, Edmundson reveals the fragility of hope." So if we look again, Queenie's baby is described as floating.

What we have now is through the symbolism of Queenie's baby, Edmundson reveals a fragility of hope.

So it's a much more sophisticated, elevated way of writing.

The other thing that Jun can do to link to the writer's intention, he could use these phrases, Edmundson aims to or Edmundson suggests or reveals.

These are really good phrases to remember to help you always link back to the writer.

So he's now changed this to "Edmundson reveals the fragility of hope, and Edmundson suggests that it is up to the audience to ensure that the future is better than the past." So you can see that using that feedback, Jun has been able to elevate his paragraph.

So true or false time, using a complex sentence with a fronted subordinate clause is a good way to introduce ideas in a sentence.

Is that true or false? It is true, yes, absolutely.

Now justify your answer by picking A or B.

Excellent, yes.

So an example of this is in the presentation of Queenie, a comma, and remember you always need that comma after a subordinate clause.

So now let's look at Lucas' response.

This is his response, "Hortense is described as pristine and wearing white.

This is a stark contrast at Gilbert's dim and grey room." So this is Lucas' feedback.

It would be even better if you analysed writer's methods and linked to context.

So again, I'd like you to pause a video and discuss what could help Lucas rewrite this section.

Okay, are we ready to discuss these ideas? Pause the video now.

Okay, great.

So let's give Lucas some really specific ideas to help him improve.

So Lucas could try identifying keywords using terminology.

He could, and this is a really good tip for analysis, focusing on the connotations of specific words.

So let's see what that looks like.

So you can see here, he's used some terminology.

So Hortense is described as pristine and wearing white.

These adjectives have connotations of innocence and naivety.

So you can see how just thinking about those ideas has really elevated Lucas's response.

So let's look at what it was like before, "So Hortense is described as pristine and wearing white.

This is a stark contrast to Gilbert's dim and grey room." It's fine, but it doesn't really tell us anything, and now he's included, these adjectives have connotations of innocence and naivety.

It really has elevated that paragraph.

And to analyse the writer's intention and link to context, these phrases can help.

So things like Edmundson suggests, emphasises, or presents, it's almost as if Edmundson is, and Edmundson has done this too.

Again, those phrases can really help you develop your analysis.

These phrases can really help you develop your analysis in your responses.

So let's look.

Lucas tries these and his response gets even better, "So this is a stark contrast to Gilbert's dim and grey room.

So Edmundson has done this to present the duality between experience and reality for many migrants.

At this point, Hortense is still unaware of the reality of the situation." Wow, what an improvement.

So you can see how Lucas has used his feedback and those specific suggestions to really elevate that analysis.

Fantastic work, Lucas.

Well done.

So I'd like you to look at these responses from Andeep and Jacob, and I'd like you to decide which one of these responses links to context best.

So let's read them first, "Miss Jewel repeats that Hortense will have a golden life.

Edmundson uses the connotations of wealth and success," or, "Miss Jewel repeats that Hortense will have a golden life.

The connotations of wealth reflect the colonial attitudes of a shadist society." So which one of these responses links to context? Yeah, absolutely.

It's Jacob.

So it's interesting that Andy and Jacob both talk about the connotations of golden, which is great, but what Jacob has so skillfully done is he's talked about this in relation to concept, in context, which reflect the colonial attitudes of a shadist society.

So this is a really skillful thing that Jacob has done.

He's analysed specific word choices and talked about the connotations, but also linked it to the context.

So it's time for your second task.

So what I would like you to do is using your what went wells and even better ifs from Task A, rewrite and improve your essay.

Now, I've left some phrases here to help you.

So these are the phrases that we have looked at in this part of the lesson, so through the symbolism of, and like the character.

And Edmundson suggests, emphasises, presents, reveals, it's almost as if Edmundson is, and Edmundson has done this too.

And don't forget, we talked about using key terminology and talking about the connotations of words.

So if one of your targets is perhaps to develop your analysis, those are really top tips too.

So it's time to pause a video, get those targets, those what went wells, and even better ifs and rewrite and improve those essays.

Off you go.

Okay, great, well done.

It's very hard, isn't it, to rewrite something you have already written? But again, such an important skill, and I promise you the more you do it, and the more you practise, the better you'll become.

And it'll just start those changes that you make, you'll see starting to pop up in future responses.

So it is such a good thing to do.

Okay, so Izzy writes a reflection sentence that explains how she has improved her work.

So she says, to develop my analysis, I have explored the connotations of keywords and linked to the writer's intention.

Excellent.

Izzy's done a really great job today of setting herself some feedback and also really responding it.

So well done, Izzy.

So this is her reflection sentence.

So what I would like you to do is I would like you to write your own reflection sentence explaining how you have improved your work.

So you'll need to pause the video to give yourself time to do this.

Okay, off you go.

Thank you, everybody, for such hard work.

As I said, I know that that can be a tricky task, but the more we practise and the more we refine and improve our essays, the better our essay writing will become.

I absolutely guarantee it.

Okay, so let's just recap everything we have looked at.

An essay should establish, develop, and sustain an argument.

Using a checklist can help to create specific feedback.

Thesis statements and topic sentences should link and focus on writer's intentions.

Quotations should be included and analysed considering a range of methods and audience reactions and using specific sentence structures and phrases can help to rewrite essays.

Thank you again for doing such great work on a very tricky lesson, and I look forward to seeing you all again soon.

Goodbye.