Lesson video

Hi there, I'm Ms. Chu, and in this lesson I'm going to be supporting you through an editing lesson because we are going to be editing paragraphs of a narrative in "Whale Rider." So when you are ready, I think we should get started straight away.

Today's lesson outcome is, I can edit the opening and build up of a narrative in "Whale Rider." Here are the keywords for today.

I'm going to let you read through the keywords and their definitions now.

(no audio) (no audio) In this lesson, we are going to be splitting it into three parts.

The first part is editing punctuation.

The second part is editing sentence structure.

And finally, we're going to be editing language.

So let's start with the first learning cycle, which is editing punctuation.

Editing is the process of making any changes needed to improve our writing.

When you edit, you decide what you will change and what you will keep the same.

Even really successful writers need and want to edit their work.

Editing doesn't mean rewriting everything again.

It is about making select corrections and improvements.

True or false? When editing writing, you only correct misspelt words.

Pause the video and have a think about whether this is true or false.

(no audio) Okay, so the answer is false, of course.

Editing is the process of improving the appearance of writing so that it looks better.

Editing is the process of improving the overall quality and structure of writing, not just the spellings.

Yes, that's right, B, it's the process of improving the overall quality, not just the appearance of writing.

It's not just the spellings either.

The job of an editor is to do all of these.

Check for mistakes and punctuation.

Make improvements to sentence structure.

Make improvements in vocabulary choices.

In this lesson, you are going to be an editor.

Editor, your turn, you will be editing your own writing.

How exciting.

Editing is the process of what? Rewriting a whole piece of text.

Checking for punctuation errors.

Making improvements to sentence structure.

Writing the text again with better handwriting.

Which one is editing? Pause the video and have a think.

(no audio) Okay, so what is it? It's checking for punctuation errors, definitely.

And making improvements to sentence structure.

Well done.

It's not about rewriting the whole piece of text, that would take way too long.

And it isn't just about the appearance of your writing.

Editing for punctuation errors means finding mistakes with capital letters, full stops, question marks, commas and direct speech punctuation.

We can use an editing checklist to help ensure we are accurately correcting all of our punctuation errors.

Have we checked for these missing or incorrectly used capital letters, missing or incorrectly used question marks or missing or incorrectly used commas? Let's check for missing or incorrectly used capital letters.

"with the wind in her hair, paikea rolled down The hill." I think I can spot a few missing or incorrectly used capital letters, can you? Let's have a look now.

"with the wind in her hair," with needs to start with a capital letter.

It's the beginning of a sentence.

And Paikea needs a capital letter because it is a proper noun.

It's the name of the girl, our protagonist in the story.

And I noticed that "The hill," the, was with a capital T and we don't need a capital for that, so we've crossed that out and changed it to a lowercase T.

There we go.

Let's talk through again.

Missing capital letter at the start of the sentence.

Missing capital letter for a proper noun and incorrect capital letter.

So have we checked on missing or incorrectly used capital letters? Yes, we have.

What are two uses of capital letters? They are used to begin all conjunctions.

They're used to begin proper nouns.

They are used at the beginning of sentences or they are used to begin adjectives.

Pause the video and have a think about what the answer could be.

(no audio) Okay, get ready to point the right answer.

Yes, they are used to begin proper nouns and they are used at the beginning of sentences.

Let's check for missing or incorrectly used full stops.

"The dutiful granddaughter.

Stop.

Sang a melody" Couple of mistakes there.

There's an incorrect full stop after granddaughter, that does not need to be there because my sentence hasn't finished and there is a missing full stop at the end of the sentence.

So actually that full stop that was in the middle needed to have gone on the end.

Have we checked for missing or incorrectly used capital letters? We've done that one.

Have we checked for missing or incorrectly used full stop.

Yes, we can tick that one off now.

Where are full stops placed in a sentence? Is it after a fronted adverbial, at the start of a sentence, at the end of a full sentence or at the end of a question? Pause the video and have a think about what the answer could be.

(no audio) Okay, so the answer is, it is always at the end of a full sentence.

Well done.

Let's check now for missing or incorrectly used commas.

"Bravely she sat on the traditional wooden bench." Now I noticed as I was reading that, that there was a missing comma after the fronted adverbial used at bravely.

So we need a comma there.

And also we need a comma between traditional and wooden because there are two adjectives to describe the bench.

It's an ENP, it's an expanded noun phrase.

And we always separate our adjectives in an ENP with a comma.

So we've done the first two bullet points and now we've finally done the third one.

We have checked for missing or incorrectly used commas, yes.

Let's check for missing or incorrectly used comm again.

Let's look at this other sentence.

"As she stared up at Koro she longed to be the next leader." What do you think could be missing here? Yes, there is a missing comma after an adverbial subordinate clause.

"As she stared up at Koro.

And that's where our comma goes to separate our subordinate clause from our main clause, which is, "She longed to be the next leader." So yes, we have checked again for missing or incorrectly used commas.

So we can tick that one off.

When are commas used? Between two adjectives in an ENP.

After an adverbial clause when it comes first in a complex sentence.

After a fronted adverbial or after a verb.

Pause the video and have a think about what the answers could be.

(no audio) So hopefully you've had a really good think.

Do you remember me saying that we need a comma between two adjectives in an ENP? You do? Well done.

We also need a comma after an adverbial clause when it comes first in a complex sentence and we need a comma after a fronted adverbial too.

We are now onto task A.

You are going to edit your opening and buildup looking only at punctuation please.

You need to check for all of these things.

Capital letters, full stops, question marks and commas.

Good luck with this task.

(no audio) Okay, well done on editing the first two paragraphs of your "Whale Rider" narrative.

I would like you to help me to check for missing punctuation in my opening.

Okay, "One bright sunny day a young girl rode on a bike with her grandfather towards the sparkling sea.

with the wind in her hair carefree Paikea stared up lovingly at her grandfather while he looked out at the breathtaking landscape.

It was his home.

thoughtfully she caressed the smooth exterior of his shell necklace and she felt the calling of her ancestors." Thankfully, I think I could only see two missing capital letters there.

Som can you see where they are? Can you spot them? Yes, so I needed to start my, "with the wind in her hair," with a capital letter.

So with needs a capital letter and thoughtfully also needs a capital letter.

That's great, I don't think I can see any other missing capital letters.

And then what about full stops or question marks? Well, there aren't any questions here, but I did notice that at the end of she "And she felt the calling of her ancestors," that was missing a full stop there.

So we need to just check, make sure there's a full stop.

Now I've put it in, so that's great.

The next thing is the missing commas.

So after, "One bright, sunny day," after bright, I need a comma there to separate my adjectives for my ENP, "Bright sunny day." And I also need a comma after, "With the wind in her hair." That's my fronted adverbial there.

So I need a comma and I don't think there's any other missing commas.

So that's great, I can tick that one off.

Let's have a look at the second paragraph here.

"with expression the dutiful paikea sang melodically as she led the group of boys and men everyone sat down courageous Paikea knew she was not allowed to but she sat defiantly in the front row.

with a furrowed brow Koro rose up and demanded, 'You're a girl.

Go to the back!' after hesitating, she slumped off feeling defeated what can I do to prove myself she thought to herself." Ooh, quite a few more missing punctuation in this paragraph here.

So I need a capital letter to start my sentence with.

And also I missed a capital letter for Paikea, so I need to change that.

And then I did it again later on, "With a furrowed brow." We need to start with a capital letter there.

And after my direct speech, I need a capital letter for after.

Great.

So I can tick that one off.

And then what about full stops and question marks? Well, I need a full stop after, "As she led the group of boys and men." Full stop.

So because I've put a full stop there, I then have to change, "Everyone sat down." I need to change everyone to start with a capital letter and then because I put a full stop after down, courageous also needs a capital letter.

And if you go further on at the end, "After hesitating she slumped off feeling defeated" We need a full stop there.

And then we've got capital letter for, "What can I do to prove myself," is a question.

So I need a question mark at the end of that.

That's great.

So I can tick that one off.

And then finally my missing commas are mainly after my fronted adverbial.

So, "With expression," comma "With a furrowed brow," comma, "After hesitating," comma, So I missed all my commas there, but I've also missed a comma before, "But." "Courageous Paikea knew she was not allowed to," comma, "But she sat defiantly in the front row." So I need a comma before my coordinating conjunction, but, and I think that is it in terms of commas.

So yeah, I can tick that one off now.

Let's now move on to the second part of our lesson, editing sentence structure.

When we edit sentence structure, we make changes to the way sentences are constructed to improve text flow.

We can use an editing checklist to help ensure we are accurately improving our sentences.

Have we re-read each sentence aloud to check it makes sense? Has an appropriate conjunction been used to join two clauses and have a variety of sentence types been used? True or false? When editing sentence structure, do not read each sentence aloud to check it make sense.

Pause the video to have a think about whether this is true or false.

(no audio) Well, yes.

So this is false.

We say sentences aloud to check for missing words and to check for sense.

That's the one.

Reading aloud is only for reading lessons.

No.

Let's check the sentence structure in an example using the checklist on the right to help us.

"Courageously Paikea know she was not allowed to She sat defiantly in front row." Okay, let's just have a check at what we need to do.

Have we re-read each sentence to check it makes sense? Has a conjunction been used to join two clauses? We haven't done that one yet.

We haven't checked for that.

And has a variety of sentence types been used? So let's go through it.

"Courageously Paikea know she was not allowed to." So, "Paikea knew she was not allowed," comma, "but she sat defiantly in the front row." So now I have used, I have re-read, yes.

And now I have used a conjunction.

I've used the coordinating conjunction, but, to join my two main clauses.

The tense was inaccurate.

So I've changed know to knew and there was a missing word that I've inserted so, "defiantly in the front row." And I've already said that my comma, but, is my coordination conjunction.

So now I can tick that second one off in my checklist.

Okay, let's have a look at this example.

"With the furrowed brow, Koro rose up.

He demanded, 'You're a girl.

Go to the back!'" Okay, let's have a look at our checklist.

So have we re-read each sentence? Yes, I've just done that.

Has the conjunction been used? Let's see, "With a furrowed brow, Koro rose up," and we could say, "and he demanded, 'You're a girl.

Go to the back!'" Okay, so we've now inserted a coordinating conjunction, and, to form our compound sentence.

So yes, now we can tick the bottom one off because we've now used a variety of sentence types, not just simple sentences, but we've now got a compound sentence.

Which of the following sentences makes sense? One bright, sunny day, girl rode down a hill.

One bright, sunny day, a fearless girl rode down a hill, one bright, sunny day rode down a hill.

Pause the video and have a think about which of these sentences make sense.

(no audio) Okay, so the answer is B.

One, bright, sunny day, a fearless girl rode down a hill.

Well done.

Task B.

Now you are going to edit your opening and buildup looking only at sentence structure.

Check for all of these.

Each sentence makes sense.

A conjunction has been used.

A variety of sentence types has been used.

Pause the video and give this task a very good go.

(no audio) Here is an example of some successful editing.

Can you use the checklist just to help me make sure I've done everything? One, bright sunny day a young girl rode with her grandfather towards sparkling sea.

With the wind in her hair, carefree Paikea stared up lovingly at her grandfather he looked out at the breathtaking landscape.

Thoughtfully she caressed the smooth exterior of his shell necklace she felt the calling of her ancestors." So we have re-read each sentence to check it makes sense and it doesn't quite make sense.

So we do need to edit.

The first thing I think I want to do is I want to edit, I want to insert, "on her bike," it's, "rode with her grandfather," I want to insert, "on her bike." I want to make it more specific, "towards the sparkling sea." And I also want to say that, "Carefree Paikea stared up lovingly at her grandfather while he looked out at the breathtaking landscape." So I want to insert my subordinating conjunction there just to show that he's doing something at the same time as what she is doing.

And then in my final sentence, I've used a coordinating conjunction, and, to join my two main clauses together, "Thoughtfully, she caressed the smooth exterior of his shell necklace and she felt the calling of her ancestors." Yes, so have I used a conjunction? Yes, I have now.

And are there a variety of sentence types to use? Yes, there are.

There's a mix of simple, complex, and compound sentences.

Now we're going to move on to the third part of our lesson, which is editing language.

When we edit language, we carefully review and make changes to words and phrases.

Editing word choices can have a significant impact on writing by improving clarity, tone, and effectiveness.

When editing, make sure you do all of these.

Check that vocabulary choices are ambitious to engage the reader and choose language that matches the text type.

True or false? When editing language you check the words are in the correct tense.

Is this true or is this false? Pause the video to have a think.

(no audio) So this is false.

When we edit language, we carefully review and make changes to all words and phrases.

Or when we edit language, we make changes to tense only.

Hopefully you know that it is A, when we edit language, we carefully review and make changes to all words and phrases.

Let's check the vocabulary choices in an example.

I would like you to use the checklist on the right to support me to check in this example.

"With expression, Paikea sang as she led the group of boys and men.

Everyone sat down.

Paikea knew she was not allowed to, but she sat in the front.

Koro was angry and shouted, 'You're a girl.

Go to the back!'" Have ambitious language choices been used to engage the reader? I don't think so.

I think that we could make it better.

Let's have a look how this could be edited to be better.

"With expression and passion, the dutiful girl," so we're gonna cross that Paikea and we're going to describe Paikea.

"The dutiful girl sang a melodic tune, as she led the group of boys and men from the village to the Marae." So we've given a bit of extra information.

Where were they from and where were they going to? "Everyone sat down.

Courageous," so we've got an adjective, "Paikea knew she was not allowed to, but she sat defiantly in the front row.

With a furrowed brow, Koro rose up and demanded, 'You're a girl.

Go to the back!'" So we've added precise adjectives.

Here are some examples.

Expression and passion.

We've got our noun phrase to describe Paikea.

We use some show not tell language.

"With a furrowed brow," shows that he was angry, so we've crossed out that he was angry.

We've used precise verbs.

So yes, we've now used ambitious language choices to engage the reader.

And the language does match the text type.

True or false? Precise and descriptive vocabulary is used in narrative writing to create a vivid picture for the reader.

Do you think this is true or false? Pause the video and have a think.

(no audio) So, this is true.

"With expression and passion, the dutiful girl sang a melodic tune," creates a more vivid picture than "Paikea sang a song." Or adjectives are used to describe nouns.

Well, yes, we know adjectives are used to describe nouns, but to justify our answer, it would be A, "With expression and passion, the dutiful girl sang melodic tune," creates a more vivid picture than, "Paikea sang a song." Task C.

Now you are going to edit your opening and build up, looking only at vocabulary choices.

Check for all of these.

Ambitious language choices and language that matches the text type.

Pause the video and have a go.

(no audio) Amazing work.

Now I'd like you to use the checklist on the right just to help me to edit this piece of writing.

"One day a girl rode on a bike with her grandfather towards the sea.

Paikea looked at her grandfather while he looked out at the view.

She touched his necklace and felt happy." Could be a lot better.

Let's have a think about what ambitious language choices we can use to engage the reader.

"One bright, glorious day," So we're describing the day, "a young girl rode on a bike with her grandfather towards the sparkling, shimmering sea." Again, using descriptive adjectives here.

"With the wind in her hair, carefree Paikea," not looked but, "stared up lovingly," it's more precise, "at her grandfather, while he," again looked, we are going to change to, "gazed out at the breathtaking landscape." Not just the view, but we're going to say it was breathtaking.

"Thoughtfully she," cross out touched, "caressed the smooth shell necklace, and," what, "a smile spread across her face." So here we have used expanded noun phrases.

So the first expanded noun phrase is, "bright, glorious day." The second one is, "sparkling, shimmering sea." We've also used fronted adverbials of manner, so, "thoughtfully" and, "With the wind in her hair." We've also used show not tell language.

So instead of saying that she felt happy, we've now said that a smile spread across her face.

So yes, we have used ambitious language choices to engage the reader and it is language that matches the text type.

To summarise, when editing paragraphs of a narrative in "Whale Rider," editing is the process of making changes to improve writing.

The job of an editor is to check punctuation and to make improvements to sentence structure and vocabulary choices.

When editing punctuation, missing or incorrectly used capital letters, full stops and commas are checked.

When editing sentence structure, changes to the way sentences are constructed to improve text flow are made.

When editing vocabulary, reviews of word and phrase choice are made to ensure appropriate tone is achieved.

Well done, you have edited paragraphs one into your opening and your buildup of "Whale Rider." (no audio).